hows everybody doing, i know this is kind of late to be asking for common app help, but two things concern me 1. does this essay make sense and is it something unique and lasting or another clique on the light theme 2. length, i know 1000 words is too long for a common app essay, im trying to cut from 1400 to 800, im a litle stuck right now. Thanks so much in advance, all comments of any kind greatly appreciated.
TOPIC OF YOUR CHOICE 1,027 words
When I looked up, I had always seen a light. A sense of hope, spontaneity, an understanding of what you're doing is real. But where was that light in science? More importantly, what was its nature? I had no answers. I was hapless.
The sheer awe immersed my mind when I first saw a BK virus infected kidney. The kind of "yellowish hapless" pale engulfing the kidneys was the type of color that seemed implausible in the real world. The gashing veins and the soft tissue complexes seemed to be telling a story far beyond that of an autopsy. But what? I was simply too intimidated to progress any further.
Fast forward two and a half years to when I did lab work attempting to inhibit growth of BK virus through various drugs. I was now a junior, so much more "mature", "experienced", "eyes much more open to what reality has to offer". Hyperbole? Perhaps, but I was convinced my differences would lead to change. This time, I had a much greater background to work with. I was able to grasp the workings of the ATP-ase domain and I understood the work of the drugs that attempt to destroy them. I was no longer oblivious to the subtleties of the DNA language. I aggressively sought answers to what had gnawed at me.
I now felt a new sense of power. Not only had I become immersed in my subject, I realized the voice each drug provided. I felt the ability to relate biology to reality. I never doubted my control. Not only did I just scrutinize every drug, I was putting things comprehensibly together. I didn't just follow a set of directions when I operated the centrifuge; I was now directing the centrifuge. I learned the intricacies behind those answers. Finally, at the age of 17, it seemed like I was capable of realizing the depth of infinite possibilities. This was science coming together in different elements. When professors talked about scientists such as Albert Einstein or Charles Darwin achieving science at its true "zenith", this is what they meant. Of course I was not tweaking with quantum mechanics or battling religious groups about the presence of evolution, but I was achieving something far greater than a set of results. The lens through which I saw things was clearer. I was curious. I was a scientist. This must have been the light shining.
But how mistaken I was. The abject disappointment soon set in. When I truly analyzed the results, looked for the subtleties in the sought relationships, I became consumed by this very same BK virus. Nothing made sense. The variables, not possibilities, were infinite. How much was too much dilution factor? How many cycles on the centrifuge were too many? Something was seriously lacking. How arrogant I could have been for thinking this "zenith" was so rudimentary when it had gnawed at phenomenal minds before me? I knew better, I was "raised" better than this throughout my experience with lab work, but the allure of science had duped me. I wasn't any kind of scientist. I wasn't just hapless, I was paralyzed.
The aftermath was stark. The next month lacked a fire. I lost the ability to be surprised by anything. My work lacked cohesiveness. It reminded me of when I was in my native land, surrounded by filth with a dreary, timeless fan doing nothing to ease the heat, yet showing some form of elusive promise on top of me. I felt the same desolation.
However, I stuck to form; I was too engrossed to just leave my subject even without the shock. I still stayed in the lab for many hours analyzing through every set of data, the linear regressions, the t-values, the residuals, none of it ever left me. I was still fazed and adapted, but I retained the thought that the light never ceased to exist. However, rather than me trying to find it, I gave it the chance to find me.
As I continued to work, a latent external force seemed to pick up and guide me: tranquility. I was oblivious to it for a while, and its effects were gradual, but this calm that came from my empirical work soon took over. It wasn't a satisfaction but it can't be fully translated. However, in this state, I wasn't seeking relationships between different forms of science; rather I allowed them to engulf me. I was at ease, I was accepting; I was accepted. I let the forms around me dictate what happened. I wasn't waiting. I allowed myself to be paralyzed by the unknown in the results. I still sought to eradicate its existence, but for the first time in my life, I felt the unknown. I didn't just acknowledge it; I felt its harmony, rhythm and ambiguity. This was science. This was the light; it wasn't a form of hope like it had been before, rather a wave of harmony that comes from grimacing right at it and seeing all the rays burst out in all directions and knowing there is a form of prosperity staring at you all the time.
Finally, things changed. Those variables suddenly ceased to exist. Things started co-existing. Finally, my results were tangible and could lead to something really significant. The idea of zenith was superficial, we create the apex in science, not the subject, but the calming presence told me all I needed. The truest bliss was with me this whole time; it just needed its natural environment to be revealed.
It would be a mistake to look at this as a significant moment that changed me. That is creating a limit, destroying the spontaneity. Rather, this spontaneity must begin to now lead me.
In many ways, a framed mindset, even a hypothesis, can be dangerous. It tries to create a message behind curiosity and thought. It tries to limit naivety; perhaps my greatest asset. The ability to concede with this paralysis, to keep the unknown alive in me has been my proudest accomplishment. I have let that light I know keep shining; its presence even when clouded is nature's greatest purity.
I was hapless.
The sheer awe immersed my mind when I first saw a BK virus infected kidney. The kind of "yellowish hapless"
don't use two haplesses so close together!!
Is hapless your favorite word??? three haplesses in one essay!!
Anyways...the essay material is very good...
The only negative I can think of is that it is a bit too long...it does get a bit dry and then you pick the reader back on the essay!!...but I doubt if you can shorten the length!!
Good...needs a bit of final tweaking!!!
Oh and could you help me on mine???...
i didnt realize i used hapless three times, thanks for pointing it out, it is one of my favorite words though, so yeah its sometimes easy to get stuck w/ it, i will check yours out, any suggestions for making it shorter?
I love your writing style, the conciseness of every sentence. It gives that spontaneous, lively feeling, as if you were next to me and talking to me.
However, I see how that can be the reason you seem to have trouble with the length of the essay. You need more complex sentences (especially in the third and in the seventh paragraph) in your essay.
Also, there are too many abstract vocabularies, that could make your essay seem too flowery.
thanks what do you mean by more complex sentences? I've never heard anybody say i need more complex sentences, less complex if anything, but that is interesting. Also, what do you mean by abstract vocab being too flowery, you talking about words like paralysis, tranquility, spontaneous, or do you mean phrases like latent external force and framed mindset and apex of science?
The essay is very good. I can definitely feel what you're writing... and your style and character is there. Make sure to make it flow smoothly.
From what I heard, many colleges would prefer essays around 600-700 words.
Sorry if I hadn't made that clear. I didn't mean complex literally as in complicated. I was rather referring to the grammar, like compound sentences complex sentences. And for the flowery language..
As I continued to work, a latent external force seemed to pick up and guide me [...] [...] knowing there is a form of prosperity staring at you all the time.
This paragraph could be a good example.
Also, what do you mean by abstract vocab being too flowery, you talking about words like paralysis, tranquility, spontaneous, or do you mean phrases like latent external force and framed mindset and apex of science?
I would consider both "abstract." You do have a lot of real-life details in your essay, but there seems to be an overflow of the abstract language.
thanks alot for clearing it up, i agree w/ you sportybluei but i do think some of this kind of language is necessary, its the power of words like paralysis and spontaneous and tranquility that kind of give the essay its distinctiveness. I especially feel tranquility is needed and i dont know how else to express paralysis and spontaneous. Would you agree? External forces, latent, apex of, prosperity, thats all easy to remove though. I actually felt the para you highlighted was my best in the essay, are you saying that the sentences are too long or are they too short. You seemed to contradict yourself a little(or i could have misinterpreted), you liked the concise, but said i needed more complex sentences? As a side note, did my idea of light in that last sentence of para 7 make sense?
My number one concern though is that some of this essay kind of requires abstract langauge in my mind because of the theme of relating to something greater and allowing other greater forces to take over. That in itself is kind of abstract, so the main question to you is are you just against the words tranquility, paralyze and spontaneous in general or is it something specific w/ the essay? Because i like those word choices personally.
wow twizzlestraw, even though what you said was pretty basic, it made so much sense, you did give me a much better idea of how to cut out ideas, thanks alot, amazing how sometimes you spend so long looking for a way to do things and it takes someone else so much less time yet they come up with a much better answer than you do. Did you specifically like my idea of hte desolation and the fan? I will def. look at yours, just give me a little time. Thanks
thanks alot, but what do you really mean by pseudo deep? i understand what the phrase means, but i dont really get what your applying it to here? Also, my point was that by allowing myself to be paralyzed i gained the most, in essence that was naievety, not knowing and allowing the unknown to control, but do you think i should expand on that because obviously it doesn't seem very clear?
I'm a little picky when it comes to people being philosophical in their essays. Basically I don't think some of these ideas are that deep/interesting/thought provoking.
I mentioned some of it. The absence of light in science - how? But this is para's filled with them:
As I continued to work, a latent external force seemed to pick up and guide me: tranquility. I was oblivious to it for a while, and its effects were gradual, but this calm that came from my empirical work soon took over. It wasn't a satisfaction but it can't be fully translated. However, in this state, I wasn't seeking relationships between different forms of science; rather I allowed them to engulf me. I was at ease, I was accepting; I was accepted. I let the forms around me dictate what happened. I wasn't waiting. I allowed myself to be paralyzed by the unknown in the results. I still sought to eradicate its existence, but for the first time in my life, I felt the unknown. I didn't just acknowledge it; I felt its harmony, rhythm and ambiguity. This was science. This was the light; it wasn't a form of hope like it had been before, rather a wave of harmony that comes from grimacing right at it and seeing all the rays burst out in all directions and knowing there is a form of prosperity staring at you all the time.
Different forms - huh?
The last sentence also makes no sense. Wave of harmony?... grimacing right at what?... form of prosperity? These are vague at best, and boring at worst.
As to your point about gaining something from paralysis - that's not "naivete". Just like not finding light in science isn't "hapless". Words are important, choose them wisely. You're playing with an interesting ideas here: knowledge from ignorance, power from submission but you haven't expanded on it enough to conclude anything. Don't resort to empty, meaningless statements.
I have let that lightI know keep shining
The "I know" doesn't fit
thanks i see what you mean, lots of empty statements, so you think the whole idea of light just isn't a good idea, or could that be just because you said you generally don't like these philosophical type discussions and maybe the people who read this won't think anywhere close to that? But are you saying i should structure my essay about knowledge from ignorance and power from submission and use my examples to build around those themes? Sounds like a decent idea, just don't know what kind of examples i'm going to use to help prove that. Part of hte idea of gaining is thorugh tranquility, allowing science to come to you, part of it isn't i didn't do anything special, it was just accepting the unknown which was diff. yes, but that's one of those things where i dont see how you can really use examples to convey that. Those empty statements you metnioned, and i do agree many of them are empty, were my examples, because frankly i dont know how you portray tranquility in real life? Any thoughts or suggestsions? thanks alot for this advice though monkey66 really apppreciate this real, constructive criticism, means alot.
Thank god, I thought I was being too harsh.
So basically, I love philosophical essays but I'm just picky. now a few clarifications:
1. I think your overall structure is GREAT. There's a real sense of evolution and thought here
2. You are playing with some very interesting ideas and you definitely have a fairly unique view of things.
BUT
Your essay just needs some more development. Let me just sketch out what I see is the main narrative thrust
1. You find "light" in subeject (I like this idea, keep it)
2. BUT science doesn't have that light - give an example of what you mean. did you feel science was too abstract, too pointless, too structured? And then say how you felt - probably not hapless but maybe frustrated or bored even with science
2. Research --> Real science --> Sense of power
3. BUT it didn't work as planned --> Data didn't make sense
4. A paradigm shift - this is IMPORTANT. I get the sense of what happened but you need to really hit this one out of the park. So go back to basics and just write in plain language what the change was, then gussy it up
5. This new paradigm will guide you - Is this really naivete?
So basically I think 1,4,5 need to be fleshed out. Just what I think
"The idea of zenith was superficial, we create the apex in science, not the subject, but the calming presence told me all I needed."
Zenith/Apex vs subject - What's the relationship?
i dont know if i felt a sense of power in step 3, more i just realized what i truely had and what science was and that helped me get significant findings? Make sense, or is that part of what power is? Any ideas for suggesting how science doesn't have light, i was thinking in my intro just being like; i always saw light in all my subjects, so i started to look for it in science when i did my research, and not make it seem like a mystery as to why it wasn't there, rather finding out where it was. Sound like a good plan? I think that might simplify things.
so im sensing that the idea of how this changes me and how i felt power really needs to be hammered out. The only problem as i mentioned above it is its hard to describe concretely, thats prob why i used so much abstract and empty langague. Tranquilty itself isnt some like measurable thing, you kind of have to describe it and when you do that you tend to come up w/ empty statements. so is there a way of getting around this, showing this tranquility more concretely? know what i mean?
Also i want to clarify this; do you understand what my idea of light was in the last sentence in para 7 which you highlighted, the one about prosperity and staring at it and seeing it? Or is that just too vague and do you have any ideas how i can use that in my essay for this development we want?
i do see what you said, i didn't really go too hard in checking hte strucutre vocab and grammar type stuff, so thats part of the reason why the word choice here is awful and really makes it harder for you to understand what im saying. sorry about that.
zenith vs. apex: i basically trying to say the same thing, that your reaching science at its peak, your subject or whatever your studying and doing at its peak. subject just means science or what im investigating in the lab, usually the later but it depends on the context in this essay.
one more thing when you say you like my evolution and thought does that just mean the idea that being passive and paralyzed is what i gained from this ex after trying to seek relationships? Because my development obviously needs work, so im just a little confused, whats good, what can we work w/ here because i dont want to complelely scratch whats good and what makes this essay when i redevelop things.
ps; never worry about being too harsh, after all your probably never going to meet me, we're just two people talking on the internet so i really dont take any of this personally. Even if somebody says your being too hard, that should just want you to be even harder, a person like me gains nothing from somebody just padding hteir essay with complements. that's what happened for my early decision essay and it was just god awful, probably the reason i got rejected. It was a hundred times worse than this one if thats even possible. so thats why i really appreciate this kind of insight, thanks a lot
No, I love your word choices, and the general spontaniety of your essay. I also like your simple straightforward, dreamy writing style. But I was just giving a suggestion to shorten your essay, but tying your sentences up, because you seemed to be describing every single thought that goes through your mind, which overlaps at times. You can still have what you want to say in the essay by definitely shortening the essay. Paralysis spontaniey tranquility are abstract terms, but they are the main ideas of your essay, so I'm not saying you should delete them from your essay. :)
thanks the consensus i've been getting amongst my english teachers who read this was that the light idea was confusing, the intro was very confusing especially and it made the overall essay far more confusing. I don't want to spend too much text w/ describing the light itself, i want the reader to kind of witness it, and yeah i do see the problem i have, i have abstract words but in my case they may be necessary, even those who said my essay was confusing admitted that, but it still gives off a confusing, awkward vibe. Any other thoughts? Thanks alot everybody.
bump... anybody? I'll definitely do the favor back and read yours if you look at mine. thanks
REturning the favor :)
Well, I am confused. I could not exactly follow your essay even though I read it very slowly and carefully. Being a student of Biology, I still stumbled upon some technical words. Your essay lacks cohesion and a good singled-out idea. Its risky as it gets more philosophical. A Upenn admission officer advised us once "Dont use an abstract essay unless you are damn sure of it. MOst of the times, they just tend to confuse us and lead us nowhere. We rather like to read stories told simply. We wont have time to ponder upon a single essay trying to figure out what the writer must have meant."
Sorry. I had to honest :(
thanks wanderer, don't worry about being too harsh, appreciate the real advice. Interesting quote by the UPENN adcom, i know it sounds kind of obvious, but i yeah, i definitely and revamping this essay. My idea was to get rid of this whole light idea, but i was wondering what should my intro be, how should i introduce this topic? Should I just get rid of the reference to two and a half years ago? Where specifically does anybody have any suggestions as to what i can shorten/cut out? Thanks alot
Simrath...revamping it is a good idea...but don't lose the essence of the essay!!...I told you it was long...but the concept works!!
The light thing is too philosophical!! And the fact that you are starting with the light does not bode well!!
I'd say lose all the philosophy...be straight to the point...be concrete rather than abstract...and still don't lose the personality!!
Damn that just sounds like empty words...but I truly mean what I said!!...I cannot tell you what 'exactly' to cut...or keep...you'd have to see what is more important for you!!
Simrath...I know you have a lot on your plate but could you check out my Activity esaay...it is just 150 words...whenever you are free!! (btw ironically...I am a bit abstract in that essay) :D.I too am applying to all the colleges you have listed!!
thanks akshat, i'll take a look at your essay now, i'll have my updated version by the end of the day, could you take a look at that, i know your busy so you don't have to give an in-depth analysis, just general impressions if there is a significant improvement? I am dropping the light idea for good. any comments by anybody greatly appreciated.
I like this essay. It's very unique, and I think that will make an impression. I don't think you have to drop your light metaphor / the philosophical stuff entirely, just don't let it overpower your essay so much that the reader has to sift through it.
Transitions, I don't quite like them. It makes your essay very choppy, and it seems mechanical. If you could transition the paragraphs better, I think it would make the essay a lot more cohesive.
Rhetorical questions? I'm not a fan, but that may just be a personal preference. One or two is fine, but I feel like they become empty if you use them in succession like that. Why ask when you can just tell, you know?
But I think Monkey66 hit the nail on the head.
Don't get me wrong. Good idea, I like where I think you wanted to go with the essay, but make it more succinct and more to the point and I think you'll have a winner.
If you could take a look at mine that would be great :)
It's a bit long, try to delete some unnecessary parts
Other than that, it's great, superb flow, excellent vocab...
thanks rzj123, i think when i rewrite ill do two drafts, one w/ the light idea to a lesser extent and one w/o it at all. i will take a look at yours, i was a little confused by what you meant about the transitions? I'm not criticizing your feedback, but if you get a chance could you elaborate a little on what you mean by mechanical transitions and how to improve them to improve the co hesiveness of the essay.
I didn't get a chance to go through your entire essay in detail, but this is better for sure. What I meant about having more cohesive transitions is (and this may just be me), but I feel as if every paragraph takes upon a different perspective/tone. For example: first -> second paragraph : everything is dandy -> wait no it's not. I realize you are trying to show progression of thought, but I feel like it can be better tied together. Here's what I was able to go through in detail (of course entirely my own opinion; edit as you feel best represents your style and purpose):
repetitive / stuff that didn't make sense striked out
awkward phrasing in red
my own words in bold
thanks alot, i see what your saying, but im just having a hard time transitioning in the progression phase. Any suggestions, because i tried and i still seem to be lacking in that regard? Is the transition confusing or is just not really existent? Thanks alot
Wow lots of comments,
In turns of the writing, I think its very good.
But, yes, the length is way too long and a lot of your sentences can be more concise. Perhaps even combined.
I read it once more, and I am having difficulty find which paragraphs you can shorten down. Heres what i think.
The aftermath was stark. The next month lacked a fire. I lost the ability to be surprised by anything. My work lacked cohesiveness. It reminded me of when I was in my native land, surrounded by filth with a dreary, timeless fan doing nothing to ease the heat, yet showing some form of elusive promise on top of me. I felt the same desolation.
However, I stuck to form; I was too engrossed to just leave my subject even without the shock. I still stayed in the lab for many hours analyzing through every set of data, the linear regressions, the t-values, the residuals, none of it ever left me. I was still fazed and adapted, but I retained the thought that the light never ceased to exist. However, rather than me trying to find it, I gave it the chance to find me.
This part can be really shortened down since its just explaining the progress of how you felt, keep the parts that showed your growth but cut down the parts were you feel depressed.
Good luck with the rest of this essay!
thanks iruntheshow, i agree w/ your idea of cutting stuff down, but that was the older version, did you get a chance to look at my new updated version where i did cut that out? i know it is kind of confusing w/ all these posts. Thanks alot
Oh there was one with a "cut down" already? I didn't see it before but, now, I finished reading it.
Some grammar:
I heard the voice each drug provided and refused to ignore thisit .
All those variables in the experiment, how much was too much dilution factor or how many cycles on the centrifuge was too many, left me dominated. .
- In context, I think dominated is a bad word for this.
I didn't just acknowledge it, I was accepting of it; and I was accepted.
- You were accepted? I don't get the red part. You can change it to "I didn't just acknowledge it, I accepted it.
The concise version is wayyyy better.
When I looked up, I had always seen a light.I always saw a light
OR
When i look up, I always see a light.
an understanding ofTHAT what you're doing is real.
hapless is repeated too much
take a look at my essay for michigan:
thanks rdz123, appreciate the advice, but im a little confused, it seems like you completley changed your mind which is fine im just wondering, earlier you said the revision was a def improvement but now you seem to be saying your really confused by it. You said you liked the earlier one, so i dont know. IS it really still confusing? It might be, but i tried to take out those abstract words and cut out some of those awkward phrases. that para that confused you espec. is not good, because thats the para i try to show how i changed, i think i have the same problem i had before, you cant really measure how i changed w/ the tranquility and everything, you kind of need phrases and descriptions and when that happens things get confusing. Any thoughts on what i should edit or do? Basiaclly im saying that the calmness i had allowed me to just realize that there was nothing wrong with not knowing anything and being paralyzed is not a bad thing. I am also saying that i was getting away from the idea that i had power before, i didnt want to be forcing myself to look for something and become something, i just wanted to be who i am. That would be the basic cliffnotes type summary of that para.
i dont know, i think your confusion isnt just you, i think it goes w/ others are saying and is a legit reason to change things up, i just dont know where, i was confused how you basically changed from a stance of this is much better to i am very confused. Maybe its just me mis interpreting things but i dont know man. Maybe its just this topic thats confusing, any thoughts on what i can do, anybody?
Thanks alot
btw, rzj123, i dont see your updated essay, theres still only the same essay i commented on when i see your thread, where is your new essay you want me to look at? Thanks
Hahah my bad srandhawa! First off, I really do think this essay was an improvement. The first two paragraphs in particular are where I think you really cleaned it up. With the ending, I feel like I get a vague idea of what you are saying, but when I read in depth, I can't particularly spell out for myself what each individual sentence is trying to convey. And yes, I definitely like your idea and where I think you wanted to go with this essay. I think the experience in itself is attention grabbing (working in a lab doing that kind of high-level work), and I think your chosen theme that is more than "look I accomplished this" and shows self-improvement is good. I do think you need to ease up on the abstraction and just spell it out more, and I think that's the only real fault. Also, try not to repeat yourself too much. Repetition of an idea is good for emphasis, but you say the same thing several different ways a lot. This will also help get your word count down I think. Write more like you did in your first two paragraphs. I liked those.
Also, it's the last post in my thread. It's just a revision of my final paragraph. TY :)
i will def read your essay, sorry for not finding it earlier:)
I think my main problem is that it is hard to spell out the kind of improvement im trying to show, know what i mean? You can't really measure how you were at ease, you can only show it which i think i tried, its just hard to avoid the vauge ideas? Any suggestions on how to avoid those vague ideas because the topic kind of invites them?
See it takes a very strong level of writing to be able to add "colloquial" or conversational phrases in the essay without sounding out of place or ostentatious. You do this very well though, it ultimately makes your 1000 word essay seem a lot shorter because it's very much like you're standing in front of me telling a story, than a narrator and novel type.
Of course with this process you use a lot more words, and can't tell which wordsare vague and which words are needed, delete too much and it turns into the novel/narrator. Personally I would try to give it to multiple readers and delete as much as you can, you seem to have it more succinct than when you first started anyways. Then just roll with you got in the end, it's a great essay. Most adcoms will read the whole essay, barring it's not terrible. Your intro is captivating and it smooths and flows wonderfully. Good writing has no length, most admission officers would keep reading, at least I did.
hey thanks alot batmankiller, i needed that, i was getting down on my essay really fast. Were you an adcom before, sounded like it in your last sentence? Anything in particular you think i could delete or anything that sounds vague? It's really hard for me to judge how good my own writing is and i've gotten mixed reviews.
Also, how do we change titles because i know the essayforum moderators do not like vague titles. Also, can i start a new thread w/ this essay or is that not allowed because this is now on page 2 and i feel like that will turn off a lot of pepole from wanting to turn the page and read this. Thanks alot
Nah just a high school senior, but I have spoken to adcoms before, some are representatives that came to our school and some that are just online. And TBH, I'm terrible at cutting down words, like I know when someone needs to be succinct but I"m just not good at cutting down words lol, sorry
thanks, did you get a chance to take a look at my updated essay, it was on the bottom, i edited stuff out like the light to make it clearer, i know things can get really complicated w/ such a long thread, thanks alot, good luck, we do seem like similar kinds of writers in a lot of ways, i should probably take some of the advice i gave you:)
btw, anybody know if im allowed to start a new thread on this same essay topic because it is getting really big and people are continuing to confuse my original essay w/ the updated one, i dont want to get in trouble w/ the essayforum moderators for breaking the rules and get suspended so close to the deadline when i need this website now more than ever. Thanks
