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Common App: Evaluate a significant experience -getting lost in an airport


missioncontrol 1 / 1  
Dec 22, 2009   #1
I'm in a rush since i've got only 10 days left...and I know i have A LOT OF grammatical mistakes! Tons of Chinglish too.. But Please do help me with grammar, structure or anything else, Thank you so much!

IT WAS OVER. As we made our farewells to the city and walked into the San Francisco Airport, I reluctantly thought. At the age of 12, I signed up for this oversea youth summer camp in hope of proving my courage and adaptability to my parents. It was the last day of the camp and we were going to transfer in Los Angeles and then fly back to China .But when I entered the airport, I had absolutely no idea that the real adventure was just about to begin.

I couldn't help yawning while we were waiting for the security check. The night before, some guys held a Goodbye-America-Party in our hotel. Too young to realize the aftermath of staying up all night, I joined. In the airport, I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I unconsciously tottered away from my group, flopped down on the lounge beside and soon dropped asleep. It was a fabulous sleep until I suddenly woke up, glanced around and found myself alone in the lounge, half an hour late for the flight.

Instinctively I dialed my dad without realizing it was midnight Beijing time. I was just on the point of listen to my dad's emergency airport-survival-101 when the phone card, all of a sudden, ran out of money.

That moment of fear loneliness sobered me. If I couldn't catch this plane to Los Angeles, not only would I miss the plane to China, but an expired visa would also make my extended stay illegal. The feelings of being left behind were dreaded, but stand still and cry would be the last thing I do. I grabbed my baggage, took a breath and rushed to an airport receptionist at the check-in counter. Then the problem came. To explain the situation was far beyond the beginning ESL level, so the "How are you? I'm fine thank you and you" wouldn't work.

I tried to recapture the words I have learned in the camp and pulled them out of my head.
"Excuse me I need help, I got lost with my group!"
"So you must be Miya. Your teacher was looking for you a while ago. Where have you been?"
Being assured that they weren't intending to abandon me, I was immediately released.
"Um...I ... fall asleep".
"You shouldn't be. You missed the plane."
"Sorry... but can I go on the next one then?"
"Well... Okay...the next flight to Los Angeles is in an hour. May I see your passport please?"
The pressure disappeared. I was glad that I asked; if I didn't have the courage to take the step, it would make a completely different story.

The receptionist, fortunately, was nice enough to reissue my plane ticket free of charge. I spent my next few hours in the terminal because this time, the plane was late. It made me realized the importance of punctuality, needless to say that I became a rules-follower and have rarely been late for anything since then.

The plane finally arrived at Los Angeles International airport. I didn't know what was going to happen next, but five hours of waiting alone allowed me to think logically and optimistically with a certain belief that supported me throughout the rest of the day: no matter how hard the challenge might be, there is always a solution. Four years later when I moved to Canada and once again had to challenge my English and flexibility alone, it was the same belief that carried me through. Somewhere deep in my mind, I see the results coming, all I have to do is to embrace the excitements, feel the pain, figure out the solution and pick up every tiny little pieces of that progress, as if I am a fiction writer.

I eventually made it. On my way out to the departure gate, I saw my teacher, who was going to fly back to find his youngest student, standing straight at the door, astonished. IT WAS OVER. And I knew from then on, I would never be afraid.

Miya Gu
appletree12 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
there are many grammatical errors

Firstly," I signed up for this oversea youth summer camp in hope of proving..."
-I participated the oversea youth summer camp to prove my courage and adapta...

would be better.

"It was the last day of the camp and we were going to transfer in Los Angeles and then fly back to China ."

Here, -In the last day of the camp, we were going to transfer in LA and then fly back to China.

"while we were waiting for the security check"
-just "waiting for the security check" is better.

etc.

overall, I think you should read aloud to check grammatical errors and revise the essay again. I hope this would help!

:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 24, 2009   #3
As we made our farewells to the city and walked into the San Francisco Airport, I reluctantly thought (choose a different verb for this spot).

Too young to realize the aftermath of staying up all night, I had joined in the conversations that lasted until dawn.

Alright, the notion I want to express to you is that this experience is not worthy of representing your intellectual potential. It must have been an unforgettable experience, but if you want to use it for this essay you need to do it in a way that makes it represent a THEME for the essay. It needs to be an example to show a theme of... well, what is the theme? What makes this meaningful? Is it meaningful because your experience at age 12 made you realize the importance of being prepared? Establish the essay's theme at the beginning of the essay.

:-)


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