Common App: Extracurricular Activities (Volunteer at Hospital)

Hello, this is for the short answer on the Common App. Please give critical feedback!! Thanks!

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

The medical environment of Kennedy Hospital is not for the weak-willed. Surrounded by unhealthy patients and burdened families, I had the opportunity to observe the real-world problems that can exist within a hospital and the difficulties in watching indisposed individuals struggle with their misfortune. As I was encompassed by the sickness and sorrow, I realized the necessity of therapies and disease prevention. This only furthered my interest in Biomedical Engineering. Through cancer therapy research, DNA disease prevention, and artificial organs, Biomedical Engineering can give hopeless patients the promise of being cured. Uplifted by this revelation, I motivated myself to lighten the workload for both nurses and doctors in my department in order to comprehend the hardship that others are facing daily. I suddenly connected with the adults in my department and enjoyed the atmosphere, knowing that one day I could change these patients fate with time and research.

Good premise. Very well written.

You could elaborate more on your connection to the volunteer work rather than your interest in biomedical engineering. It's good that you have that link in there, but the common app is more of an exhibit of your own quirks and characteristics. Including more of your charitable persona and how the experience made you feel will give universities more insight than speaking more about your major, which can simply be selected from a drop-down list. Though don't completely eliminate the connection between your major and volunteer work--just lessen it and include more of yourself.

Also, the last sentence is slightly awkward. I would edit "I suddenly connected with the adults in my department and enjoyed the atmosphere," but the latter of the sentence is great.

I worked at U of M's hospital and I felt the same way.
It's not original, and lacks depth.
Not to be harsh, but if this is for a top 20 school then you might want to scrap it and start over.
It should be something that shows your character.

Thank you for the critique!! Here's my modification:

Loud beeping, a racket over the loudspeaker, a shuffling of footsteps. I tentatively peeked through the glass doors, hoping to catch sight of the cause of the clamor. The medical environment of Kennedy Hospital is not for the weak-willed. Surrounded by unhealthy patients and burdened families, I had the opportunity to observe the real-world problems that can exist within a hospital and the difficulties in watching indisposed individuals struggle with their misfortune. As I was encompassed by the sickness and sorrow, I realized the necessity of therapies and disease prevention. Uplifted by this revelation, I motivated myself to lighten the workload for both nurses and doctors in my department in so that I might better comprehend and attend to the hardship that others are facing daily. I developed a connection with the adults in my department and enjoyed the atmosphere, knowing that one day I could change these patients' fate with time, research and commitment.

I definitely prefer the second one! Not talking about your major enables us to connect your motivation and your volunteer experience: you were motivated because of what you saw rather than what you intend to study. Great editing!