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Common App - Extracurricular - Volunteer project; improving education for poor children



hvnguyen1311 4 / 8  
Nov 29, 2012   #1
This is my first draft, please give me some corrections for grammar as well as uses of word. Thanks.

As my passion of improving education for poor children, my teammates and I decided to establish our volunteer project to universalize education as well as build up some essential facilities supported to their education. We chose a small village in Vietnam to carry out our project. But everything never comes easily. As this town town is located at remote area, there were not sufficient food and electricity; therefore, it caused some difficulties against us. However, these children were so diligent and eager to learn new things; which gave us strong motivations. We began to set up a nice classroom with new blackboard, repaired desks and several decorative posters. We assisted children how to brush their teeth as well as protect themselves. Moreover, we taught them about fundamental knowledge and skills which are definitely beneficial to their real lives. Over one week, they got accustomed of going to school every day, doing homework or playing educational games. This experience obviously enhances me to be a more responsible man who dares to dedicate his youth to society's development.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 29, 2012   #2
As my passion offor improving education for poor children

universalize education as

------------ universalize? ... I fear that this is not the most appropriate word : ( ... what do you intend to mean by this?

As this town town is located at remote area

As this town is located very remotely,

therefore, it caused some difficulties againstfor us.

However, these children were so diligent and eager to learn new things, which gave us strong motivations.

Pay attention to punctuation!
I think you need to add more spice into this essay : ) It is always better if you include the prompt also because then we know what exactly they want from you. So we can align our feed backs with the prompt.

However, I feel you need to discuss how this volunteer project help you personally, how it helped them and the challenges you faced in a more effective way... Why not re-do this and post it again?

: )
OP hvnguyen1311 4 / 8  
Nov 29, 2012   #3
Thanks for your helps. I think I should do a new version for this essay.


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