Common app supplement Essay: Harvard University Supplement essay

DESCRIBE ANY BOOK ,EVENT THAT HELPED YOUR INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT.
Few days earlier i posted an essay no one gave me any response of my good.Please can't any one help me this time.

I always stood as a flickering light of firefly in the dark night. During insurgency it was a benediction as doing something without doubt would get you killed. One day armies will come and indoctrinate that revolutionaries were doing wrong a next day revolutionaries will give the other end of story. Even if the situation I was born in badge me with this nature of doubt, I blame some of this to my extended study in my philosophical interests.

"Two roads diverged in the woods and I travelled the one less travelled by" But how can a traveler draw map of the journey when he has travelled just one of the roads. My intellect is a refuge of the Hindu "Bhagvad Gita" and "Thus spoke Zarathustra of Fredrick Nietzsche". These contradicting philosophies have given me freedom of varying from being attachments-free Karma-yogi and agnostic self-centric envious man. I fear that my intellectual is driven by the delusion and I will reach nowhere close to the destination. But Fear is an art of survival in a war torn village. It was my fear that kept me alive by touching anything I see anywhere. And my weary feet gets a strong stone to land when I remember "Appo Diyo Bhava: Be thy own light": last lines of Buddha. Even Buddha died giving a different teaching in his death-bed than finding from his enlightenment. So, my frailty has no meaning of wobbling and shivering at an un-travelled journey.

Peace is what I have been seeking all my life: A peace inside me and a peace outside of me. But every day I feel like I'm farthest from my destination. In this hopelessness, Infinite possibilities and infinite ways come to me and all show me a delusional utopia. But Zarathustra reminds me that Chaos will give birth to a star and I hope "super-man" which he have promised is able to bring the peace in the hollow slums inside me and in the void chaos outside me. His "Super-man" is lot more similar to my far-fetched dream, both originate after chaos just difference is one evolves inside man and other evolves outside.

But at the end of the day, I'm just a teenager and my driving wheel of thought is handled by this "I'ness": I will do this for them and that for others with my own capital utopian "I". Involuntarily, I make myself same as those authorities whom I have hated all my life. In the midst of the violent abrupt of thoughts, I stumble upon lines of Krishna "To action alone hast thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction ." This act of altruism overcomes my own selfish alter-ego hidden in the shroud of my intellectual virtue and lends silence in my head.

My destination might be farther than I have thought but while I tremble, stumble and fall, May Zarathustra reminds me of the pristine Envy that I have to own up to. And if I reach the farthest destination where this frail body can reach May Krishna reminds me of that nothing here is going to be forever and may equanimity be in my work and my fretting self. Let my belief vanishes from the dark cloud of thoughts and in the road I see only: myself and my destination.

Hi Thapaliya, I would like to give you some insights about your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- During insurgency, (comma needed) it was a benediction as doing something...
- ...revolutionaries will give the other end of story.alternative/another ending . (choose one from the options)

2nd paragraph:
- ...the one less travelled by" ButHowever, how can a traveler draw map of the journey... (never write "but" in the beginning of the sentence. It makes the essay less formal)

- ButNevertheless, Fear is an art of survival... (same issue as above)
- AndIn addition/Moreover/Furthermore, my weary feet gets a strong stone to... (choose one of them, "And" in the beginning of the sentence also makes your essay less formal.)

- SoThus , my frailty has no meaning of wobbling and shivering...

Last paragraph:
- I'mI am just a teenager... (contraction should be avoided)

Overall, most of the mistakes were about the use of FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). You are suggested to avoid using them in the beginning of the sentence. Those are coordinating conjunctions not cohesive devices. However, I reckon that the content have already answered the prompt properly. The ideas are also well-developed. Only minor grammatical mistakes that have been found. Therefore, you only need 1 or 2 more revisions. Good luck in doing that :)

Hi Sambhab, sorry if you posted an essay a few days and no one reviewed the essay,its not that we don't review them, believe me, we make sure that each and every writing article is reviewed and in our reviews, we make sure that we provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback in order to strengthen the essay.

Moving forward, as much as this essay is all about how you developed your intellectual skills, that doesn't mean that you have to write it in a way that a regular reader would understand. I, for one, had to check on the dictionary, every time I come across a sentence that is not so clear to me, in this case, I must admit its a little bit taxing and this is not how its suppose to be.

What I mean is, though the essay is asking for intellectual development, you still have to make sure that what you wrote will be understood by your readers, this way, their will not be any misleading of information and in the end you will be able to convey the message to your readers.

Further to your, I suggest that you avoid using the words, "but", "and" and other words that are usually use in the middle of the sentence as linking words and not in the beginning of the sentence.

There you have it Sambhab, there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay and I hope you follow through with the modifications.

Hi Sambhab! Here's my feedback on your essay:

I think the reason your essays aren't getting lots of critiques is because they are kind of hard to understand. I am a native English speaker, graduate level student and self proclaimed writer and grammar nerd; Still, it took me a few reads of your essay plus the help of the internet to figure out what you are trying to say here in this essay. Your writing has a certain prosaic, almost poetic feel to it. This is beautiful, but not really appropriate for an entrance essay.

Your writing just seems too complicated and in your first paragraph alone there are still parts of it that I don't understand. You use huge words and your sentences tend to ramble and run on. Also, you talk a lot about certain books, quotes, ideas from those books, but you on't really explain them very well. So anyone who hasn't read Nietzsche isn't going to know what you are talking about if you don't explain it properly.

My suggestion would be that if these books are books you want to discuss for this essay, you should ensure that your writing is more formal, academic, and easily understandable in both your writing and explaining the writing of others. You don't really explain how these books helped you develop intellectually.

There you have it; there's my feedback. Take care!

Edit: I had written this much earlier but forgot to post it. I just want to say that I agree wholeheartedly with Ivy's feedback.