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Common App: Personal essay - Idealistic me



vabhu12 2 / 1  
Dec 18, 2017   #1
I need to cut a few words, please help decided which parts to leave out.

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

one of my proudest moments



As I sat outside the vice principal's office, my mind thought all of his possible reactions to my proposal. This was my third appointment with him regarding the implementation of a a better waste management system, and hopefully the last.

"Why am I still trying?" I thought as I reminded myself of all the seniors and classmates that had warned me about the rejections of all the previous proposals. Residing in a small remote area of Jakarta, our school is very far from most waste banks, making it difficult for us to come up with a cost efficient way of managing the school waste.

"Aradhya, you may come in now."
Taking in a deep breath, I tell him my idea.

"Oh no, he's going to say no and reject the entire proposal." I think to myself.

"Hmm. okay, fine. I'll approve, but only because we have already recovered all of the costs from the production already. Good Job!"

This was probably one of my proudest moments. My heart was about to explode; the proposal got accepted!

People always say I'm a bit too idealistic - I guess it was my idealism that decided to work on another proposal despite knowing that all the previous ones had been rejected. I was set on at least giving it a try, and I had come prepared. Even before making my first appointment with the vice principal, I had already talked to the management head of the school and the head of the cleaning department to try understand possible issues that could arise due to the change. I worked with the management to convince the trash collectors to send the waste items to proper waste banks instead of landfills. All the previous proposals had asked the waste banks to send their own trash trucks, which required the school to collect 1 ton of waste per day or store waste until we managed to collect 1 ton of waste. Hence, even though the school would need to pay a higher price for sending waste to different destinations, convincing the existing trash collectors was crucial, this way, the janitors would not have to go through the extra trouble to store the waste; there wouldn't be much change in the existing system, making it easier for the school.

In the first meeting with the vice principal, I could tell he was impressed but not convinced. I reassured him that I am taking this project seriously, and that I will take care of all the logistics.

Although he didn't approve the proposal in the first time, he was willing to help me improve it. He advised me to talk to the finance and the primary department regarding all the costs. After a few discussions with the finance department, I found that the amount we needed to raise was much more than what I had imagined.

This was going to be problematic - from the very start I knew that I had to make sure that the new waste management system would have to cost efficient, if not it wouldn't get approved. As I walked out of the finance department, I noticed some of my friends selling the school's new production tickets and that's when I got the idea of using the extra money earned from the production for this new project of mine. If I managed to help the school sell some tickets, I could ask the school to allow us to use the money earned from the tickets on this project.

I knew that the chances of this idea getting approved were very low, even my friends kept telling me that this wasn't going to work. Despite all of the above, idealistic me decided otherwise.

Earlier, I used to think being idealistic was weakness, but now I know being idealistic is actually a strength. Even though, this project is still at its earlier stages, and I'm sure there will be more problems to be faced in the future, I now have the confidence to face them.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15386  
Dec 18, 2017   #2
@vabhu12 the dialogue and interaction at the start of the essay is totally unnecessary. You are writing an academic essay, not a creative essay. So you have to get to the point sooner rather than later in the presentation. If the reviewer thinks that you are wasting his time with the opening presentation, he is going to move on. He doesn't have the time to waste wading through your introduction because he has a hundred more essays to get through in one day. It would be better if you just incorporate that discussion into the actual essay discussion presentation that you wrote. This essay definitely represents a period of personal growth. If you want to keep the dialogue, then use it at the end of the essay. Make it shorter and less suspenseful. Discuss the essay in a manner that showcases the series of failures until you came to the realization of your mistake in the presentations, how you corrected it, then close with the dialogue about how the last meeting went. Only this time, open with a hopeful note and just go directly to the statement of approval from the principal and your response to it. That should close the essay in a more interesting and engaging manner.


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