Here is my revised essay for the common application. This is the prompt:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. I reworked it. Any suggested revisions would be greatly appreciated.
She quickly hugs her mother goodbye and dashes out the door to join her siblings. Today is her first day of kindergarten. She proudly examines her new shoes as the school bus pulls up. She can barely contain her excitement as she enters the bus with her brothers and sister She shoos them away and sits alone in her seat. She looks forward to meeting her teacher and making new friends. It all went so terribly wrong. No one sits with her. No one talks to her. After a day of silence, one boy finally spits out, "Korean!" The class laughs. A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one that is pale, withdrawn, and upset. Dejected, she tells her mother about the nightmarish day and asks, "What should I do?" Looking into her eyes, her mother replies, "Mel, you will go to school tomorrow and tell them you are Filipino."
When I first heird this story as a child, I was shocked that my Aunt Mel's parents did nothing to intercede at school. I was full of questions. Why didn't her parents talk to her teacher? Did her mother think a five-year-old girl could handle the harsh reality of prejudice? As these thoughts lingered, I realized that Mel always recounted this memory with a smile. She went to school the next day and stood up for herself. Her experience made me see my aunt in a different light. She was strong. She was not just the perfect hunter, fly fisherman, kick boxer, runner, and rock climber I imagined but a real person who had faced real problems. As I grew up, Mel continued to be an inspiration. Like her, I learned to confront problems directly, handle adversity with humor, and not let others define me.
The transition from middle school to high school was daunting. Everything seemed bigger, faster, and harder. My shy personality became an obstacle. My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turn oral presentations into public embarrassments. Instead of giving up, I focused on becoming more outgoing. I joined the school band and became a member of several clubs like key club, HOPE (Help Our Planet Earth), and High-Q. Like Aunt Mel, I embraced my passions. I found my voice in art and the written word. Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or tantalizing story allowed me to express my hopes, dreams, and ideas. I created elaborate projects for my classes. For instance, I made a model of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, drew a periodic table of endangered animals, and wrote a short murder mystery. I felt empowered.
As senior year approached, I was pulled in different directions. My brother encouraged me to research careers in math and the sciences. My parents advocated an undergraduate degree in pre-law, economics or political science. I am an artist. Taking a page from Aunt Mel, I decided to chart my own path. I have my own vision and unique journey to follow. As I venture into a new chapter of my life, I will not forget my aunt's story. I have grown from the lost child who concerned about other's opinion to a confident adult who is ready to chase my dreams.
This is Good, Alex!
A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one
thatwho is pale, withdrawn, and upset.
When I first hear d this story as a child, ...
My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turned oral presentations into public embarrassments.there is something a bit awkward in this sentence, but I can't really say why...
Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or a tantalizing story ...
I have grown from the lost child, concerned about others' opinions, into a c onfident adult who is ready to chase my dreams.
This essay is interesting, but you should sharpen that thesis. It is about how your aunt made you tough, right? So, did you decide that you approve of how she sent you to school to tell them you are Filipino? What is the main truth you are expressing with this essay. Write a sentence about it, and insert that sentence into the essay somewhere -- like a vitamin for the essay's theme.