Is it boring and pointless? I wanted to get across that I'm someone who is friendly, creative, and likes challenges (even if it's simple like making s'mores), but I don't know if my essay does that. I hope it's not really cliche.
I'd really appreciate any feedback/any grammar help! you can be honest if it's bad or if it doesn't make sense. Honesty will help me a lot! Thanks!
10 p.m. I put my pencil down and got up from my desk to take a break. Looking out the window, I saw light streaming from the unfamiliar Gelb Science Building. It had already been a week at Phillips Academy, but it still felt strange to be away from home for the summer. Before my thoughts could drift any further, I heard a sigh escape my exhausted roommate Paola. I walked over to her desk where she writing her paper when she threw down her pen.
"That's it! I'm taking a break," she paused, "but you know what I want right now? S'mores. I even have the stuff to make them-it's too bad we don't have a fire." I chuckled at such a random thought: s'mores at 10 p.m.? Still, I couldn't help but nod in agreement. A nice, sweet snack would be the perfect energizer. Seconds ticked away and the more I thought about s'mores the more I craved them, but there was a problem. We weren't allowed to light candles in the dorm, let alone a fire to roast marshmallows over. How could we make real s'mores without fire? A challenge presented itself to me. Sighing, I sat back down in my chair and started searching my mind for a possible solution when, a moment later, I stood up abruptly. A crazy yet perfect answer to my problem had been found.
"Paola, we going to have s'mores. I have a crazy idea, but it's going to work!" I told her determined. She turned around unsurprised by my outburst. We had been roommates for only a week, but she was already used to my odd ideas and spontaneity. (Heck, she saw me eating a cookie with chopsticks on the second day we moved in!) This wasn't new for her and I was prepared to execute the plan that would satisfy both our cravings. Nothing could stop me now.
Trusting whatever plan I had would work, she took out a box of gram crackers, a few Hershey bars, and a bag of marshmallows from her closet while I rummaged through my own drawers for all the necessary equipment. I quickly found what I needed: a hair straightener, a fork, and some napkins. Everything else was already on my desk. I was ready to begin Operation S'more!
Paola watched curiously as I first cleaned off the hair straightener before plugging it in. While the straightener warmed, I stacked several textbooks under my short desk lamp and laid a napkin over the topmost book. A golden gram cracker garnished with a smooth chunk of chocolate was then placed on the napkin ready for melting. To melt it, I bent the flexible neck of my lamp down until the raised chocolate sat less that an inch from the scorching light bulb. The lamp was left to do its job.
Intent on my work, I turned to the straightener which had finally heated up. It was time for the last step. Picking up a fork, I speared a marshmallow and stuck it between the straightener's two ceramic clamps, letting the intense heat from the plates slowly toast the marshmallow's soft exterior. It started turning golden brown exactly as I had anticipated. Grinning at me, Paola grabbed her own fork and followed suit. When all pieces of the s'mores were ready, we assembled them together and enjoyed our sugary little dessert: overcoming the challenge made the s'mores all the more sweeter.
A minute later, we heard a knock on our door as some other girls on our floor wandered in curious about the delicious smell wafting out of our room. When they saw the little s'more factory on my desk, they couldn't help but laugh and join us. Introductions were made and what began as a quest to make a simply sweet snack became an ice breaker that brought our dorm mates closer together. Finally at eleven, Paola and I bid them goodnight and cleaned up. We still had work to do. Paola, now fully energized, was ready to tackle her speech, and I was ready conquer my next challenge-- finishing up the rest of my eighty question problem set for Pre-Calculus class the next morning. Summer was off to a great start.
I THINK with time you should write out the number (10 p.m. not ten p.m.) I'm not 100% sure though.
I put my pencil down, got up from my desk to take a break, and stretched.
I walked across the room to her desk where she sat, still hunched over her paper. She had a ten minute speech due the following day and was a little stressed.
Seconds ticked away and the more I thought about it, the more I craved s'mores (maybe say "them" since it sounds a bit repetitive?), but there was a problem: we weren't allowed to light candles in the dorm, let alone a fire to roast marshmallows over.
Besides, cold marshmallows just wouldn't cut it-we would only accept the real thing.
"Paola! We are having s'mores tonight!" I told her, excited. She turned around and looked at me unsurprised. We had been roommates for only a week, but she was already used to my odd ideas and spontaneity. (Heck, she saw me eating a cookie with chopsticks on the second day we moved in!) This wasn't new for her and I had a plan to overcome this challenge.Trusting my strange plan would somehow work, she took out a box of graham crackers, a few Hershey bars, and a bag of marshmallows from her closet while I rummaged through my own drawers for all the necessary equipment.
^^^This confused me a bit. I thought she wasn't phased by your comment? Like you said she was used to your strange comments and then said you had to overcome this challenge. If so, why would she trust your plan?
I was ready to begin Operation S'more!
You use colons in a lot of places where you shouldn't. Besides that, good essay. I get that you're crafty and take on challenges.
Good luck!
I had already been a week at Phillips Academy, but I still felt a little strange not being home for the summer.
She had a ten minute speech due the following day and was a little stressed.
Trusting that my strange plan would somehow work, she took out a box of graham crackers , a few Hershey bars, and a bag of marshmallows from her closet while I rummaged through my own drawers for all the necessary equipment
I was ready to begin Operation S'more!
On the napkin, I placed a golden graham cracker embellished with a chunk of chocolate ready for melting: it was now time for my trusty lamp to do its job.
Meanwhile, Paola started laughing at my ridiculous strategy, but I just grinned at her and continued my work, since the straightener was finally done heating up.
This is a sweeeeet essay!
:)
"she was writing her paper"
"Paola, we are going to have s'mores."
"Trusting whatever plan I had would work" might sound better with just "Simply trusting my plan,"
And instead of "Grinning at me," you should just say "Grinning"
"and I was ready to conquer my next challenge"
I think it sounds better without the last sentence, but that might just be my preference. I don't think it'll make that much of a difference.
