Common app essay "My mother's Hardships and how it helped me grow as a person"

Can anyone give me some advice on my common app personal statement essay wherever you see a problem please quote it and then answer

In 2015, my mother was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, a medical emergency that almost took her life. I was only 10 years old. I would sit with my sister as we comforted each other, thinking about what we would do if she wasn't in our lives anymore.

I met her at the hospital 3 days later. She looked in pain. She Required a ventilator machine to breathe and had needles in her arm for nutrients. I looked at her face, there were dark lines around her eyes, but she still smiled. I cried as we hugged, I never want her to suffer as she did back then. Thinking about it now still brings a tear to my eyes.

The hospital discharged her a few days later but we all had a long journey ahead of us. My father had quit his job to look after our mother. We could no longer afford a home, so my uncle offered to let us stay at his place. His wife took care of us like she would her own children. She would also cater to my mother's needs. She was on bed rest and the doctor gave her steroids for muscle growth and over the next five months her entire face changed. Seeing such a rapid change was terrifying but I was just glad that she was getting stronger. Slowly and gradually with the donations from family and family.

the support from baba and my mother's resilience has influenced me to push myself to support my parents in their senior years when they can no longer be self-reliant. The importance of my duty as an elder brother and as a son and a passionate resolve to help people going through tough times like I did. I think about all this and all I can say to myself is that "Abdullah, you need to be strong for the people you care about."

My high school journey has been a fast one and I am going to start a new chapter of my life soon. But every time I discuss going to college in the US with my mother her face seems sad. As if she is not ready to let her baby spread his wings yet. I cannot imagine the suffering she has endured in her life as an orphan from a very young age. She looks for love in the form of her children, we are her light in this world. And I plan to illuminate the horizon for her. Her struggle against Myasthenia Gravis in 2015 has helped me grow as a person as I have realized my love for helping people and it has made my bond with my mother much stronger.

The essay is too focused on your mom and how it affected or pushed other relatives to help you. That is not the focus of the essay. The reviewer would want to know about how the illness of your mom pushed you to be a better person. However, you only discussed that in the last paragraph of the essay. That is unacceptable as the focus of the essay should be on you, not your mother, not your relatives. You have not properly focused the essay on the required information. So you will need to go back and write an essay that ties together the illness of your mother, and how it forced you to grow up and become a focused individual instead.