Common App Essay ( The one with unlimited words )

Im looking for a better beginning and solid conclusion.My brain just froze towards the end :(

Also any other comments are welcome :)

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Till last week, I had one focus - to make it to Carnegie Mellon, score well on my finals and maintain my extracurricular interests.
I still hold on to that dream, but with a difference.
From an "I, Me and Myself" approach to life, a sudden twist of fate put things in a new perspective. While I had always appreciated the good things of life, I had also taken them for granted. No, I'm not talking about material pleasures. I'm talking about the most important issue: family.

Since childhood, I have had one grandparent. Simple, adoring, lovable and always around. Till the time she fell prey to a deadly eye disease: Endophthalmitis. Endophthalmitis is an inflammation of the internal coats of the eye. It is a dreaded complication of all intraocular surgeries, particularly cataract surgery (which she had undergone six years ago) with possible loss of vision and the eye itself.

Overnight, she went blind and my world changed.

From her preparing tea for me late at night while I pored over differential equations, the situation got reversed. Now, it was the whole family monitoring her every move, her every need. Even I fell into a pattern. Fifteen minutes of Linear Programming. Eye drops. Thirty minutes of Macroeconomics. Amycalin shots. An hour of Business Studies. Oral Ciplox.

Strange as it may sound, even these dark days have had a bright side to them. In all of my 17 years, I have never seen my family bond as much as in this past week. Caring, sharing, laughing and yes, even crying at every step of her recovery. It has strengthened our confidence in each other. We know that each of us will be there for the other, in times of need. Most importantly I have found a new hitherto unknown source of strength, a wellspring of trust when I least expected it.

There is a 10% chance of recovery from Endophthalmitis, so I have heard. Though slowly, my grandmother is recovering from this disease. I do not give fate complete credit for this. I believe we owe it to the unstinting, untiring effort of a family united.

This incident has changed my outlook on life. I found out the strengths and support , relationships in my family have. I face life's challenges with renewed enthusiasm and confidence.

Good essay, very good. I dare say it's one of the best ones I've read today.

Anyways, hmm...
You could make your intro stronger by putting more of a focus on how you were all about yourself.
e.g.
"Till last week, I had one focus - to make sure - I make it to Carnegie Mellon, I do well on my exams, I maintain extracurricular interests, I, I, I...

I was all about myself.
Then, from an "I, Me and Myself" approach to life, a sudden twist of fate put things in a new perspective."
Good Luck

Thank you so much :D

I was reallly worried about not having a strong focus / giving out unnecessary details.

ANY suggestions for a better ending ?

"I had one focus - to make it to Carnegie Mellon"

I'm not sure if this will look good to other colleges.

When you say "till" do you mean "until"?

"I'm talking about the most important issue: family."

Family is not an "issue" is it?

Since childhood, I have had one grandparent. who was simple, adoring, lovable , and always around.

"From her preparing tea for me late at night while I pored over differential equations, the situation got reversed."

This is an incomplete sentence.

You have some wordy and awkward sentences that I don't know how to fix without changing the style.

im going to change the name of the college for each application i send.. carnegie mellon was only an example. appreciate the rest of your tips this was only a first draft :)

do react to my next post.(which will hopefully be the final one)

"From her preparing tea for me late at night while I pored over differential equations, the situation got reversed." - any rephrasing suggestions?

about till and untill, doesnt till sound sharper yet convey the same meaning?

I think using "until" shows you have a better mastery of English. Also until is more formal than "till" which is probably better for the essay.

I don't think "the situation got reversed" is necessary because you later state "Now, it was the whole family monitoring her every move, her every need."

Now, just rephrasing this part "From her preparing tea for me late at night while I pored over differential equations" should be much easier.

Until she fell prey to a deadly eye disease: Endophthalmitis. Endophthalmitis is an inflammation of the internal coats of the eye.

. In all of my 17 years, I have never seen my family bond as much as during this past week.

There is a 10% chance of recovery from Endophthalmitis, so I have heard. Slowly, my grandmother is recovering from this disease.

Good luck in school!
(I hope your grandmother makes a full recovery!)

:)

This may be my final draft:
I have tried to incorporate some more details. Please Comment.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Until seven days ago, I had one focus - to make it to Carnegie Mellon, score that 90 plus percentile in my finals, yet perform every gig my band was offered.

I still hold on to that dream, but with a difference.

From an "I, Me and Myself" approach to life, a sudden twist of fate put things in a new perspective. While I had always appreciated the good things of life, I had also taken them for granted. No, I'm not talking about material pleasures. I'm talking about the most important one: family.

Since childhood, I have had only one grandparent. My grandmother - my Dadi. Remarkably selfless, to me she epitomised the archetypal grandmother. Simple, adoring, lovable and always around. Till the time she fell prey to a deadly eye disease: Endophthalmitis.

Endophthalmitis is an inflammation of the internal coats of the eye. It is a dreaded complication of all intraocular surgeries, particularly cataract surgery (which she had undergone six years ago) with possible loss of vision and the eye itself.

Overnight, she went blind. And my world changed.

From her preparing tea for me late at night, while I pored over differential equations, the situation got reversed. Now, it was the whole family monitoring her every move, her every need with single minded dedication. Night after night, they held vigil as eye drops had to be administered every ten minutes. The antibiotics I.V. had to be paced just so, for maximum efficacy. Sleep was not an option, amidst all this. I watched them all take turns, willingly. No matter if there were important, pre-scheduled meetings, or dinners. Right now, there was one, single priority - Dadi.

Even I fell into a pattern, when my watch came. Fifteen minutes of Linear Programming. Eye drops. Thirty minutes of Macroeconomics. Amikacin shots. An hour of Business Studies. Oral Ciplox. As I write this, it's time for the next dose.

Strange as it may sound, even these dark days have had a bright side to them. In all of my 17 years, I have never seen my family bond as much as it did in this past week. If one could will away an infection with sheer, dogged determination and exacting care, my family collectively would have done it. Prognosis, or no prognosis! Caring, sharing, laughing and yes, even crying at every step of her recovery, it has strengthened our confidence in each other. We know that each of us will be there for the other, in times of need. Most importantly I have found a new, hitherto unknown source of strength, a wellspring of trust which I'd never known existed.

There is a 10% chance of recovery from Endophthalmitis, so I have heard. Though slowly, my grandmother is recovering from this disease. I do not give fate complete credit for this. I believe we owe it to the unstinting, untiring effort of a family united.

One freak incident. But how its changed my whole outlook in life. The words uncle, aunt, mother, father, sister - and of course grandmother - have a whole new dimension to them. Making me realise that no man is an island.

Today, I stand humbled before the power of the best support system in the world : Family.

the previous one was better..!!

seriously?
so i should chuck the details?

Until seven days ago, I had one focus - to make it to Carnegie Mellon, score that 90 plus percentile in my finals, yet perform every gig my band was offered.

that sounds weird. I would keep what you had in the first draft.

I still hold on to that dream, but with a difference.

the "difference" sounds weird too. i don't really know how to fix it.

important one: family.

value might be better?

Remarkably selfless, to me she epitomised the archetypal grandmother. Simple, adoring, lovable and always around. Till the time she fell prey to a deadly eye disease: Endophthalmitis.

Maybe change the period after grandmother into a colon. and then maybe change the wording of the last sentnece? because it's a fragment, and because it sounds like after she got endophthalmitis she's no longer adoring and lovable.

Though slowly

should be "slowly though,"

you have a lot of random periods in there, so maybe read through and figure out where you can combine some sentences?