Common App. - Person who has influenced me, describe influence [Steven]

As I walked into the room, all I could hear was a loud, painful cough. Lying in the hospital bed was the young man who had influenced my life in so many ways. His name was Steven. He was my close cousin who was diagnosed with Leukemia at the young age of 14. At the time I was only 10 so I did not realize how serious it really was, but as I grew older, I started to understand the situation he was in.

As I walked into the room, all I could hear was a loud, painful cough. Lying in the hospital bed was the young man who had influenced my life in so many ways. His name was Steven Quach. He was my close cousin who was diagnosed with Leukemia at the young age of fourteen. At the time I was only ten so I did not realize how serious it really was, but as I grew older, I started to understand the situation he was in.

When I was younger, I knew that I could always go to Steven for anything whether it was comfort, advice, or support. Every day during the hot and humid summers, I would go over to Steven's house. Each visit I was always filled with excitement and I looked forward to a fun day with him. We did everything together whether it was going to the park, playing basketball, or just simply spending quality time together. He would teach me right from wrong, good from bad, and all the wisdom that makes a person a better individual. Although I did not have any siblings, I considered him my brother. Through my eyes, he was the perfect role model as a relative. Within his presence, I became more compassionate and outgoing rather than the timid individual I once was.

Steven has always been there for me and seeing him painfully struggling brought tears to my eyes. I knew that he only had a few days left to live and I was sure that he was aware of it. However, Steven greeted me with a smile, conversing with me as though he never had Leukemia. I even managed to get a laugh out of him. He was so happy to see me along with the rest of my family. I asked myself, "How could he stay so positive when he was dying?" My life has always been surrounded by love and happiness yet there were times where I thought my life was never complete. I was wrong. After witnessing Steven's smile, I realized that my life is in fact complete.

A couple weeks before my sophomore year of high school began, Steven passed away after battling Leukemia for five years. Although his death deeply saddened me, I have to come to appreciate his struggle and his attitude towards life. His will to stay positive even with a fatal sickness is a huge inspiration to me. Having an opportunity to have a cousin like Steven in my life is unforgettable.

During my freshmen year in high school, I was the person who was never involved. I never really spoke to anyone and attending school was just "an every day thing". However, when Steven passed away, I became motivated to make the best of what I have in my life. Knowing that he never got to experience high school or college, I took advantage of the opportunity I have to go to school, make new friends, and participate in the school community. Throughout my high school career, I have made many friends, actively participated in the school community, and challenged myself with difficult courses. In doing so, I have become so much more satisfied with myself. This year when I attend college, I will be bringing with me the same motivation so that I can pursue my dreams and live a successful life, something that Steven would be proud of me for.

I have not completed the essay yet. I still have a closing paragraph to write but any feedback/help would be great!
I would appreciate it if anyone could critique my essay and help me make it better.

all numbers are supposed to be written in words so 14 is fourteen
a comma after ten is needed
the last sentence of the introduction is a bit vague. maybe u could break it down into 2 sentences:At the time i was only ten, so i did not realise the seriousness of his situation. But as I have grown older, I have come to appreciate his stuggle.

its just a suggestion

Steven must be a being with some impressive wisdom and courage. I hope I can be like that when my time comes. Well, how are you going to end the essay? I think you can use a conclusion paragraph that evaluates your own thinking; you don't have to assert anything necessarily, but instead you can speculate about the ways in which this experience may have affected decisions you have made. Sometimes it is hard to know just how an experience affected us, so we need to analyze out ideas and interests and think about how they reflect the change that happened in you because of the experience.

As I walked into the room, all I could hear was a loud, painful cough. Lying in the hospital bed was the young man who had influenced my life in so many ways. His name was Steven Quach. He was my close cousin who was diagnosed with Leukemia at the young age of fourteen. At the time I was only ten so I did not realize how serious it really was, but as I grew older, I started to understand the situation he was in.

Very good opening paragraph

When I was younger, I knew that I could always go to Steven for anything whether it was comfort, advice, or support. Every day during the hot and humid summers, I would go over to Steven's house. I looked forward to each visit with him since they were always full of fun and excitement. We did everything together whether it was going to the park, playing basketball, or just simply spending quality time together. He would teach me right from wrong, good from bad, and all the wisdom that makes a person a better individual. Although I did not have any siblings, I considered him my brother. Through my eyes, he was the perfect role model. as a relativeWithin his presence, I became more compassionate and outgoing rather than the timid individual I once was.

Good examples of how he influenced you.

Steven was always there for me and seeing him painfully struggle brought tears to my eyes. I knew that he only had a few days left to live and I was sure that he was aware of it. However, Steven greeted me with a smile, and conversed with me as though he wasn't battling Leukemia. I even managed to get a laugh out of him. He was so happy to see me along with the rest of my family. I asked myself, "How could he stay so positive when he was dying?" My life has always been surrounded by love and happiness yet there were times where I thought my life was never complete. I was wrong. After witnessing Steven's smile, I realized that my life is in fact complete.

Very Moving.

A couple weeks before my sophomore year of high school began, Steven passed away after battling Leukemia for five years. Although his death deeply saddened me, I have to come to appreciate his struggle and his attitude towards life. His will to stay positive even with a fatal sickness is a huge inspiration to me. I will never forget the opportunity I had to have a cousin like Steven, no matter how short our relationship was.

During my freshmen year in high school, I was the person who was never involved. I never really spoke to anyone and attending school was just "an every day thing". However, when Steven passed away, I became motivated to make the best of what I had in my life. Knowing that he never got to experience high school or college, I took advantage of the opportunity I had to go to school, make new friends, and participate in the school community. Throughout my high school career, I have made many friends, actively participated in the school community, and challenged myself with difficult courses. In doing so, I have become so much more satisfied with myself. This year when I attend college, I will be bringing with me the same motivation so that I can pursue my dreams and live a successful life, something that Steven would be proud of me for.

Good Essay, it was very deep and moving. Im sorry for your loss. One piece of advice I want to give you though is to make sure you use the past tense when you refer to the past. Theres alot of times where you are using the present tense, when refering to past experiences.