Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Wide Eyes and Dropped Chins
"What is the circumference of this circle?" Mrs. Ryan asked a fairly simple math question, but as seconds rolled by she was met with only blank stares from my classmates. I wondered why no one jumped to answer a question that only required the use of simple arithmetic. Nonetheless, I also remained silent. I sat, twiddling my thumbs in an effort to suppress the urge to reveal the answer as if it were locked up in a safe to which only I had the key, but my anxiety grew as the silence became increasingly unbearable. The answer had to be revealed! I could no longer hold it in, and I finally exclaimed, "Two pie!"
At once, the entire class turned to face me with wide eyes and dropped chins, and one student uttered the words, "She spoke."
Six years later, I smile as I recall this once humiliating incident. Little did anyone know that speaking, through the form of spoken word poetry, would become one of my greatest interests. I was first introduced to this type of poetry through an English class assignment in which I wrote and performed a poem for my classmates. My performance was a success. However, the success of my first poem came not from my skill as a poet, but from what was sparked by the experience itself.
The positive feedback I received from my class performance empowered me to feel free to express myself. However, this freedom was not free. The cost was stepping outside of my comfort zone. In my first poem, I spoke about my differences, sharing what I would not have otherwise been given the opportunity to share publicly, and the applause that followed encouraged me to want to continue speaking about similar topics. In this special way of articulating my thoughts, I am gifted with the ability to bring to life every emotion I feel, without shame for feeling the way I feel. Much like the music I create with a violin in my hands, the poetry created with my words and mouth has a meditative quality. In it, I find comfort in expressing myself.
Even better than knowing that I have the freedom to speak is knowing that people are also willing to listen. I was pleasantly surprised when one of my classmates came up to me after my performance to tell me that my poem was inspiring. Her receptiveness to my poem showed me that even though she could not relate to the differences I spoke about, she could relate to the way I was confident in those differences. The smile that became frozen on my face after my first performance came from realizing that I could impact others through the words that I spoke. By not being afraid to get my voice out there, I could impact people both inside and outside of my classroom.
In the course of attending local open mic poetry nights, I have opened myself to new ideas, while also reacquainting myself with familiar ones spoken in a new light by poets of different cultures and backgrounds. The information transmitted through an eclectic array of poets is hard to find anywhere else, and I am eager to both learn from and contribute to the diverse teachings. I feel at one with my community when I hear their stories, relate, and can tell my own.
As my voice is strengthened through poetry, I can use this power to not only speak poetically but to also speak confidently in everyday life. Poetry has replaced my fear with a love for speaking. Now when I speak through poetry, I actually want people to react the way my sixth grade classmates once did: with wide eyes and dropped chins, only now not because of the act of speaking, but instead because of the content spoken.
Olu, while I can understand the development of your voice through poetry, I am not sure what the relevance of the incident you told at the beginning is. You need to create a clearer connection between "She spoke." and the reason for the wide eyes and dropped chins in class. Why were you silenced in class before? Before we can understand the significance of that comment from your peers, we first need to understand why they would be amazed at having heard you speak in the first place.
You need to explain the background of your silence in class before you can get the reviewer to appreciate why your love for poetry reading became significant to you. What were your fears about speaking? Why did you prefer not to be heard? How did you learn to finally speak for yourself in public? What lessons have you learned from speaking up? Don't focus on the relevance of poetry reading alone. Go beyond that. Connect it to your development as a person in private. Did the confidence you gained from the public reading activities help you learn about yourself? Why should we care that the eyes went wide, chins dropped, and that these poetry nights are something that should be noted in your application? You are speaking of a background, incident, and talent all at once. So make sure to develop all those aspects equally throughout the essay.
Thankyou. This is a rough revision. I am not sure if this is good.
"What is the circumference of this circle?" Mrs. Ryan asked a fairly simple math question, but as seconds rolled by she was met with only blank stares from my classmates. I wondered why no one jumped to answer a question that only required the use of simple arithmetic. Nonetheless, I also remained silent because I was too shy to speak up. I sat, twiddling my thumbs in an effort to suppress the urge to reveal the answer as if it were locked up in a safe to which only I had the key, but my anxiety grew as the silence became increasingly unbearable. I wanted to answer question but feared that my voice would crack or that I would do something to embarrass myself if I did. But the answer had to be revealed! I could no longer hold it in, and I finally exclaimed, "Two pie!"
At once, the entire class turned to face me, the girl who never spoke unless directly spoken to, with wide eyes and dropped chins, and one student uttered the words, "She spoke."
...
Olu, the problem with the essay lies in your introduction paragraph. YOu can't just present that information and then suddenly shift to the idea of poetry making you comfortable with speaking out. You need to create a foundation for that information. let people know your background that would show the relevance of poetry in your life before you launch into the concentrated aspect of your essay. Maybe you can come up with a revised introduction similar to this:
I grew up without a voice because I feared using my voice. I was never sure how people would respond to my thoughts, my words, my meaning. So, in the face of uncertainty, I always opted to be the quiet one, be it in a social setting or in class. My quietness overpowered my intelligence at times because I did not want to be accused of showing off or bragging about my abilities in class. That is why during one pivotal day in Math class, when I decided to finally use my voice, I left my teacher and classmates dumbfounded.
"What is the circumference of this circle?" Mrs. Ryan asked a fairly simple math question, but as seconds rolled by she was met with only blank stares from my classmates...
Do you see how that simple introduction that I created in the beginning helped to ease the reader into the topic and anecdote that would help them understand the reason for your being? That is the kind of hook that you need in order to properly lay the foundation for your essay discussion. Feel free to use the introduction I created with the rest of your essay which, by the way, is good enough to use at this point :-)
Thank you. Please tell me your opinion about this.
I grew up without a voice because I feared using it. I was never sure how people would respond to me and my thoughts, so in the face of uncertainty, I always opted to be the quiet one, be it in a social setting or in class. When a teacher asked a question I knew the answer to, I feared to answer. Sometimes no one would answer, and as seconds rolled by she would be met with only blank stares from my classmates. I would twiddle my thumbs in an effort to suppress the urge to reveal the answer as if it were locked up in a safe to which only I had the key. One day, however, my anxiety became too great to fight back my tongue. The answer had to be revealed! I could no longer hold it in, and I finally exclaimed the answer.
....
Much better Olu, in fact, after another, very slight revision to your content, I think that we can agree that your essay will be in its final form and ready for submission. It's just a slight correction that has to do with continuity and grammar. Here it is:
Six years later, I smile as I recall this once humiliating incident. I have come a very long way since the day I exclaimed the answer to the equation in Math class. I thought that I would be limiting my voice to certain discussions or forced circumstances for a very long time. Then I was introduced to the beauty of spoken poetry and, quite unexpectedly, I had found a way to use my voice to make myself heard by those around me in a way that I felt comfortable doing.
Little did anyone know that speaking, through the form of spoken word poetry, would become one of my greatest interests. I was first introduced to this type of poetry through an English class assignment in which I wrote and performed a poem for my classmates. My performance was a success which came not from my skill as a poet, but from what was sparked by the experience itself.
Now, just slide this revised portion into the essay at the right portion and the essay will finally be ready to submit. That is unless you think there is something else that we need to address in the essay, but I strongly doubt that :-)
How's this? I had to shorten it to stay within the word limit.
...Immediately after I did, the entire class turned to face me with wide eyes and dropped chins, and one student uttered the words, "She spoke."
Six years later, I smile as I recall this once humiliating incident. I have come a very long way since the day I exclaimed the answer to the equation in Math class. I thought that I would be limiting my voice to certain discussions or forced circumstances for a very long time. Then I was introduced to the beauty of spoken poetry and, quite unexpectedly, I had found a way to use my voice to make myself heard by those around me in a way that I felt comfortable doing.
I was first introduced to this type of poetry through an English class assignment in which I wrote and performed a poem for my classmates. At first, I was a bit unhappy to have to speak publically, but when I dove in, I fell in love with the art form. In this special way of articulating my thoughts, I am gifted with the ability to bring to life every emotion I feel, without shame for feeling the way I feel. The positive feedback I received from my class performance empowered me to feel free to express myself. No one was laughing or whispering into each other's ear as I performed. It showed me that I could feel comfortable speaking out publically and that no one would judge me for doing so...
It sounds great Olu. I do believe that if you put the different pieces of the essay together, you will finally have your response in polished form. Now, you might need to do some last minute checking for grammar problems and spelling issues. Don't neglect to do that. Of course you will also need to do a final read through of the essay that we have developed together. Make sure that you are satisfied with the content of the essay and that you do not want to make any more adjustments or additions to it. Once you are settled and confident that everything is fine with the essay, you can prepare it for submission along with the other application requirements.
Good luck with your application. I am sure that you will have a very good chance of getting into this university. You have completed a very interesting essay that has portrays your character in a strong manner. All that is left now is to have the reviewer consider all of your application essays in relation to what they expect of their students. Everything in terms of your essay have been set to strengthen your application at this point :-)
