I'm sure many of you are familiar with the prompt, but here it is again: "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story"
Ever since I can remember, trains have fascinated me. Their whizzing, clacking, humming, and choo-chooing made my heart skip with delight. As a child, I often turned my first floor into a train-yard, where I constructed my own lines out of anything that I could carry - Styrofoam boxes, chairs, cushions - and scooted around my house like an itchy baboon. To the onlooker, I was a mad-child stringing together meaningless items and squatting on top of them. For me, each box or chair was a different rail car and each pillow linked them. Pulling them behind me, I was king of the world.
So, as you can imagine, once I boarded my first real-life train, I was blown away. It was a snowy December afternoon when my grandfather, on his first trip to the US, and I climbed into a replica Orient Express. What I had imagined on those nights in the family room suddenly surrounded me. I clambered up in my seat and pressed my nose against the cool window. Up to that point what my imagination had constructed was only fantasy, but once the train jolted forward, and my grandfather steadied me, I gasped from the world outside blurring past: imagination and adventure became tangible.
Today, as I reminisce about my wonderful obsession with trains, I see how far I've traveled in my life and how much they have meant to me, in connecting me with people and in discovering new experiences. This past summer, 3,750 miles from home with nothing but a backpack, camera, and 4 years of high school Spanish, I sped towards Machu Picchu in an electric blue diesel train. Each click and clack of the track reminded me of the nights filled with imagined whistles and billowing smoke plumes, of the excitement brought by my intrepid construction and exploration. Never in my wildest dreams could I have believed that I would be racing towards an ancient Incan civilization.
My heart raced, partly from the frosty air and partly from the whole idea of Machu Picchu, and I suddenly realized that in 48 hours, I would also work in El Hogar San Francisco, a home for destitute children with disabilities.
After spending a week with incapacitated children, I would understand something special: though disadvantaged, they have a certain perspective on life that is so innocently resilient, that living and helping them with activities becomes more of a lesson for the helper than the helped. I would watch them dry dishes, sweep the floor, stack cups, wipe tables with alacrity and skill and I would learn a great deal about appreciation of life seeing the kids afflicted with cerebral palsy, club feet, and tuberculosis hobble and clean with their childish clumsiness.
I sank into my seat and looked out into the passing trees. The curves and splits of the track which wound through the valley and to our destination eluded me; but I knew what lay ahead was marvelously exciting. It dawned on me that I was once more on a train heading to yet another adventure and with each mountain folding away, I felt closer to the ancient city and awaiting children.
As I grow older and the age of locomotion dies away, I realize that trains have evolved in design and function, much like I have grown. But the excitement that comes with its power to explore the expansive, unknown world and its ability to link people have not changed. These things continue to influence me, carrying me farther into the future - both literally and figuratively. What I once built for imaginative exploration is now what takes me to thrilling places for greater things. With this in mind, I tow my experiences behind me like the trailing cars of my Styrofoam train - my imagination, grandfather, Peru- and barrel towards a horizon of endless possibility. And I gladly say,
"Full steam ahead!"
It was a snowy December afternoon when my grandfather, on his first trip to the US, and I climbed into a replica Orient Express.
Get rid of "on his first trip to the US". It doesn't fit into this sentence at all.
This is a nice story and you're definitely a talented creative writer, but I think you could do a better job connecting the train idea and the helping children idea. The story is a bit random when you say that you are going to have to work with children 48 hours after being at machu picchu.
Make the transitions a bit better and I think you have a very nice story that definitely adds to your application. It is probably good enough already, but making the ideas flow more will make the essay great.
Good advice. Thanks!
In regards to the "on his first trip", I wanted to emphasize the whole connecting with people point. ie) He came from China to visit me and we took a train ride together.
The children's story was better fit in earlier drafts, but most people who've read it have given me the same reaction to it. Any ideas on how to make it fit better, without taking it out entirely?
I see how the fact that it was his first trip is important, but you still need to say it another way. Something like "my grandfather, on his first trip to the US, joined me as I climbed onto a replica Orient Express". You can use the appositive structure that you've used, but it works best when grandfather is the subject of the sentence.
I see you say "awaiting children" when talking about going to Machu Picchu, so I think the best way to incorporate the story would be to mention you are going to visit children there, and then you introduce the story by saying something like "I reflected upon my previous work with children..." or "the prospect of working with children again brought back memories as to how amazing my previous experiences were..."
Whatever transition you do, I think it needs to involve the children at Machu Picchu first. Then, you can reference the story since it relates to what you were going to do after the train arrived.
Today, as I reminisce about my wonderful obsession with trains, I see how far I've traveled in my life and how much they have meant to me, in connecting me with people and in discovering new experiences. This past summer, 3,750 miles from home with nothing but a backpack, camera, and 4 years of high school Spanish, I sped towards Machu Picchu in an electric blue diesel train. But beyond that, I would also work in El Hogar San Francisco, a home for destitute children with disabilities only 48 hours after our visit to the ancient wonder.
After spending a week with incapacitated kids, I would understand something special: though disadvantaged, they have a certain perspective on life that is so innocently resilient, that living and helping them with activities becomes more of a lesson for the helper than the helped. I would watch them dry dishes, sweep the floor, stack cups, wipe tables with alacrity and skill and I would learn a great deal about appreciating life seeing the kids afflicted with cerebral palsy, club feet, and tuberculosis hobble and clean with their childish clumsiness.
Each click and clack of the track reminded me of the nights filled with imagined whistles and billowing smoke plumes, of the excitement brought by my intrepid construction and exploration, and each passing tree brought me back to that wintry ride with Grandpa. I sank into my seat and looked out into the shifting landscape. The curves and splits of the track which wound through the valley and to our destination eluded me, but I knew what lay ahead was marvelously exciting. It dawned on me that I was once more on a train heading to yet another adventure and with each mountain folding away, I felt closer to the ancient city and the awaiting children.
Is this better?
Yeah, just expand on the last sentence and the "awaiting children". You could say what program you're going through or something like that - just give more detail.
Well.... I feel your response for this prompt, central to your identity is not really in line with what they expect. I struggle to find how this response help understand that it formed your identity. I am going to quote some material I found in a website that explains how you should answer this prompt. Hope this would be helpful for you;
- Think hard about what it is that makes you, you. If you end up telling a story that hundreds of other applicants could also tell, then you haven't fully succeeded in tackling the question of identity that stands at the heart of this prompt.
- Your "story" or "background" isn't a single event. Being voted Prom Queen and scoring that winning goal may be impressive accomplishments, but by themselves they are not stories about the formation of your identity.
- Your "story" or "background" can take a variety of forms. Did you grow up in a difficult domestic situation? Did you live in an usual place that had a significant impact on your childhood? Did you or someone in your family have significant challenges to overcome? Were you surrounded by people who had a major influence on your development? Did you move frequently? Did you have to hold a job from a young age? Do you have a particular obsession or passion that has been a driving force in your life for years?
- Make sure your essay is adding a rich dimension to your application. You have 650 words to present yourself as an interesting and passionate individual who will be a positive addition to the campus community. If your essay is repeating information that can be found elsewhere in your application, then you're wasting this opportunity.
- Keep "diversity" in mind as you write your essay. By diversity I'm not referring to the color of your skin or your ethnic background (although these can certainly be a part of your essay). Rather, if a college admits 2,000 students, the school wants to see 2,000 individuals who each has a unique story and background to bring to the campus environment. The strongest colleges and universities do not have homogenous student populations. These tips for an essay on diversity can help you think about this issue.
- If you don't think you have a story to tell, you are wrong (at least I've never met a student who didn't have an interesting background). You don't need to have grown up in a yurt in the Himalayas to have a background that is worth narrating. A Connecticut suburb produces its own meaningful stories.
