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Common app essay- My third world country defines me



jsdginger 2 / 2  
Dec 21, 2009   #1
please comment and give suggestions, thank you

My Third World Country Defines Me

Currently I have a passion that makes me who I am, my country of origin. White sand beaches, palm trees, coconuts everywhere, beautiful views, and just between the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean Sea; if you see something like that then you are in the Dominican Republic.

Eight years ago my mother made the decision of moving to the Dominican Republic, her homeland; a decision that affected me and my sisters. Imagine, being 9 years old, experiencing a new environment; different language; new school; different people. It wasn't something that I wanted to do but had to do. I use to think that it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, sometimes I still do, but honestly I am glad to have moved.

All I knew about the Dominican Republic were the mere memories from my past trips as a toddler to the country. The Dominican Republic is a beautiful yet endured third world country that shares the island of Santo Domingo with Haiti. This country has over 500 years of history, beginning with the discovery of America, which shows how much we have been through and have had to fight still even in the past century. We have so many factors that seem could help us be an auto denominational country; unfortunately that is not the case.

At this point in time, we still suffer from the lack of basic needs; poor education, bad public health system, rundown electricity service, and more unsatisfying factors. As I grew older and matured in this country I began to see things differently; I was no longer in a bubble.

I see people every day trying to live the best way that they can to provide for their family with a minimum wage job, kids selling things on the streets instead of being in school; things that shouldn't be. My future experience as a college student isn't just to foment my knowledge and future career but also to make me capable of teaching others to try and make this country better because the world and its future is only what we make it to be.

The fact that this country defines me doesn't mean that I am as bad as it or a simple product of it but that I am the solution, one of the many people that could make a difference.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
This should be a dash instead of a semi-colon:
Eight years ago my mother made the decision of moving to the Dominican Republic, her homeland -- a decision that affected me and my sisters.

You can make this essay much more powerful if you develop the first and last paragraph some more. They are so short! The first and last para should contain the "soul" of the essay. That means they should explain your main idea for the whole essay.

one essay = one big idea


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