Common App general transfer essay review. DDL March 1st really need help

Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (250-650 words)
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When I proudly tell other students how awesome my organic chemistry professor is and how much I like this class, I am usually considered insane. It is a long standing rumor that this professor is a tough-examiner and a GPA killer. The rumor is indeed true, but it is the challenge that excites me and what I am seeking for. I enjoy the process of challenging myself, pushing myself to the very limit and making progress.

I have been through events that prove my fondness on challenges. In high school, I joined the biology contest team. My teammates were all top students on biology who had learned higher level biology. However, I at that time was just a freshman who did well on high school biology coursework. It was a great challenge to me to learn college level biology by myself. Finding the materials fascinating, I completely put myself into the learning. After two months of days and nights spent in library and lab, I finished learning general biology that usually takes a year to learn. People were so astonished to see that I was still so motivated, instead of getting frustrated, when I was presented such large amount of sophisticated concepts. One explanation was I like biology so I never get tired of learning it. Indeed, an underlying reason, also explaining why I like biology, is its challenging nature. I was set free to break through the edge of my knowledge and explore a brand new world.

I was introduced to biology by my pet bird at the age of six. I read lots of books on biology to try to know more about it. What attracted me to dig further and further in biology is it reveals the secrets of the living world. The emergence of life from the basic chemicals is real magic to me. It becomes natural that I am obsessed with research on biology. In high school, an independent research project on corn starch based material introduced me to research. In university, by joining Palmer Lab, I participate in real research. In research, everything is unknown. No one knows the road so I can only stumble. Every step forward is a challenge but also a breakthrough. I start each experiment with the understanding that I will fail, but failures do not stop me - I am grateful that I have more knowledge on each possible, and I am one step closer to find out a through way.

It was my nature of seeking challenges that brought me to a university located at the other end of the world from my hometown. A world has more challenges than ever is presented to me. Getting adjust to a brand new environment is the first challenge. I meet great peers that make me feel home. I can explore broader and deeper academically.

My journey never ends. Settling down in my comfort zone is easy, but lacking challenge. Ease does not satisfy me but bores me. I begin to realize I would like more challenges to excite me. I spent most of time sitting along with hundreds of classmates listening to big lectures. A fairly strict general education structure restricts me in a few fields. I am not challenged to my full potential. By transferring, I once again go out of my comfort zone to embrace the challenges with excitement. I wish to be intellectually challenged by not only by course materials but also deep thoughts from smart peers. I wish to explore a boarder range of liberal arts and sciences. I crave for the opportunities to work in world-class labs to push me further into the unknown. I am prepared to enter a new world, a world constantly challenges me to break through my potential.

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Currently 626 words. Thanks in advance for any help!

I wish to explore a boarder (border) range of liberal arts and sciences.

you may wish to use a thesaurus to replace or reduce your usage of the following words and/or phrases in your paper like:
lots, big, very, see, awesome, most, me, make, go, end, easy, great, more, do, well, does, was, is, try, prove, new, know, enjoy, about, but, so

you can improve also in the use of transitional words.

Great usage of vocabulary words!

Hi Yuya! I think you've done a great job describing your love of biology and how ready you are for what challenges that lie ahead. However, after reading your essay, my general impression is that it doesn't fully answer the prompt. You spend the majority of the essay discussing your love of challenges and biology. That would be great, if this were a personal statement. Since it's not, you end up wasting much of your limited room on not answering the prompt. Only your last 5 sentences are in response to what is being asked by the instructions.

I think you need to take another look at what is being asked of you and then reformulate your essay. While it's great to portray a love of biology, it's not providing the requested information. Instead, you should focus on making your essay about why you want to transfer. Think about why you want to transfer in very specific reasons, and relate those reasons in your essay. Transferring because you love challenges isn't a concrete reason. Transferring because your current school doesn't offer you the programs or opportunities you want in your field is a specific reason. Maybe when you started at your current school that school was what you wanted, but now that you are a year older, it doesn't meed your needs/ wants. Explain that. What is your story? How have you evolved? What experiences have you had that make you want to transfer? When you discuss your reasons for transferring, you don't even mention biology. So maybe it's worth merntioning some reasons why you are attracted to their biology program?

After you have discussed your reasons for transferring, it might be beneficial to address the school you hope to transfer to. Why do they meet your needs when your old school does not? How will this program at this new school help you to achieve your goals?

Good luck and take care!

Thank you very much for everyone's help! I edited it a bit. Does it look better?
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When I proudly tell other students how awesome my organic chemistry professor is and how much I like this class, I am usually considered insane. It is a long standing rumor that this professor is a tough-examiner and a GPA killer. The rumor is indeed true, but it is the challenge that excites me and what I am seeking for. I enjoy the process of challenging myself, pushing myself to the very limit and making progress.

I was introduced to biology by my pet bird at the age of six. I read lots of books on biology to try to know more about it. What attracted me to dig further and further in biology is it reveals the secrets of the living world. The emergence of life from the basic chemicals is real magic to me. It becomes natural that I am obsessed with research on biology. In high school, an independent research project on corn starch based material introduced me to research. In university, by joining Palmer Lab, I participate in real research. In research, everything is unknown. No one knows the road so I can only stumble. Every step forward is a challenge but also a breakthrough. I start each experiment with the understanding that I will fail, but failures do not stop me - I am grateful that I have more knowledge on each possible, and I am one step closer to find out a through way.

It was my nature of seeking challenges that brought me to a university located at the other end of the world from my hometown. A world has more challenges than ever is presented to me. Getting adjust to a brand new environment is the first challenge. I meet great peers that make me feel home. I can explore broader and deeper academically.

My journey never ends. Settling down in my comfort zone is easy, but lacking challenge. Ease does not satisfy me but bores me. I begin to realize I am not challenged to my full potential. I spent most of time sitting along with three hundred of classmates listening to big lectures, even in upper division classes or lab classes. Professors are so busy with presenting the class materials and taking care of the other hundreds of students in the classes. I also regret that I lose the opportunities of learning from my great peers because the chance to express ourselves is limited. The small class size makes my Latin class enjoyable. Everyone has the opportunity to express his idea and does not need to worry about asking an out of box question may impede the other hundreds of students. I crave the affinity with faculties and classmates and the challenging ideas from my great fellow classmates. A fairly strict general education system restricts me in a few fields. However, my interest goes far beyond this restriction. I believe to be a successful biologist, mastering only biology is not enough. I also need insight into humanities and social sciences so that my work can better serve the human race. I also need the aid of technology, such as computer science to boost my work. I wish to get a taste of everything, to understand the world from different aspects, to challenge myself through exploring new fields.

By transferring, I once again go out of my comfort zone to embrace the challenges with excitement. I wish to be intellectually challenged by not only by course materials but also deep thoughts from smart peers. I wish to explore a boarder range of liberal arts and sciences. I crave for the opportunities to work in world-class labs to push me further into the unknown. I am prepared to enter a new world, a world constantly challenges me to break through my potential.