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Transfer common app essay. I'm a freshman in community college and looking for transfer to UMass

pedieuda 1 / 1  
Sep 28, 2016   #1
please help me in my transfer common app essay. English is my second language so please indicate grammar error if you can.
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

While some people need more time to figure out their college majors, there are some, like me, who are fortunate enough to have some ideas about what they want to study from early of their academic career. Math and Science has always been my strength since middle school, so I confidently told that I would pursue an engineering career.

When I was in middle school, I always dreamed about working as an engineer who are able to understand how things work and develop new machine. I was one step closer to my dream when I moved to the U.S and attended a high school here in two years. During high school, I took as many honor and AP classes as I could and kept maximum GPA, 4.0, in order to be ready for college. In my junior year, I began to look for college, more decisions needed making, one of which was a choice between engineering and engineering technology. After researching through internet and teachers, I decided to become engineering technologist because it would allow me to have a lot of hands on laboratory experience which is my favorite.

One year after high school, I chose an Electronic Engineering Technology program at NHTI Concord's community college where they offer a dual program with University of New Hampshire at Manchester. I have done very well in my first two classes in the summer; my GPA maintains at 4.0. To be honest, my experience with NHTI was nowhere near my expectation. I thought the program would consist high level of math application; the only math skilled really needed was basic algebra. I had a craving for something more challenge, especially in Math and Science classes.

As a freshman, it is easy for me to make up my mind. After doing more research about the difference between engineering technologist and engineer, I realized that what I want to do is an engineer's work - I want to design and develop a new technology. With my strong physics background, especially about electrical and magnetic fields, I want to study electrical engineering in the four-year institute and University of Massachusetts Amherst is my choice. I plan on taking advantage at UMass' resources as well as opportunities for volunteer work and research project to enhance knowledge about my major. Upon completing my degree, I want my career to focus on either power generation sector or utilities industry
aparecium321 1 / 4 5  
Sep 29, 2016   #2
I think you spent too much time describing how you decided to become an engineering technologist. I couldn't make out what your reasons and objectives are for transferring. When you are addressing this prompt, you should get right to the point on your reasons. At the very beginning, it should be a brief introduction that reveals something about you (you can write a short description of how you came to your major, but don't dragged it out through your essay, a short dialogue, small story, event, etc.,) And at the very end you can write about your objective, like "My objective is..." You need to clearly explain why you are transferring to this particular school. Write what UMass offer that your current school does not. You talked about your disappointment with NHTI's program, but make it clear why you want to take UMass's program instead. What makes UMass's program different from NHTI's? You can talk about other reasons, like the environment, location, diversity, etc., and how that will contribute to your growth or studies.

I hope this helps. Good luck! :)
David54 15 / 22 1  
Sep 29, 2016   #3

There are several correction for you,

...Math and Science hashave always been my strength since in middle school,...
...When I was in middle school, I alwayshave dreamed about...
...I was oneOne step closer to my dream, when I (...) attended a high school here infor two years....
... internet and teachers, I decided to becomefor becoming engineering technologist...
admission2012 - / 477 90  
Sep 29, 2016   #4

Whenever you are completing a transfer application, you need to compare and contrast. You started to do this by talking about the low-level math needed at your current school, but now you need to dig deeper to show that you have really explored your options. Furthermore, you should highlight specifics of the UMASS program that appeal to you. This will show the adcom that you have done your research completely this time...-Selective Admissions.
OP pedieuda 1 / 1  
Oct 1, 2016   #5
thank you for everyone's respond.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 1, 2016   #6
Hi Nha, first of all, in showing your gratitude, to the contributors is a very humble gesture, however, you say, "Thank you for everyones response", and not "respond", you see, as simple as a single word, can actually change the sentence and it has a huge impact to your writing.

Now, as I understand, English is your second language and it's fine, the best thing is, we try harder everyday to get better at practicing the language and as far as I can see, you are doing good in using the language as you have been in an English based and English language focused institution and believe it or not, your essay is also looking great.

Overall, you have a well managed essay, you made mentioned of the points that are necessary to get you the transfer, I mean, I know that I'm not in the position to assess the essay, however, I know that you made sure that the reviewer knows the purpose of your letter. For further revision, though, make sure that you strengthen and lean towards the strength of the new institution you are transferring to and if possible, do not compare but praise instead, let the reviewer know that whatever it is that the previous institution left you, you are grateful.
bismillah 15 / 29 1  
Oct 2, 2016   #7
hi friend i have some suggestions for you

Math and Science hashave always been my strength ...

Massachusetts Amherst that it is my choice. better in reading

.let the reviewer knows that whatever it is that ...

i hope it can help you

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