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Common app- volunteer for international students


afallet1 1 / 2  
Jan 21, 2011   #1
Please critique and I will be doing the same for you, thank you.

plot: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum

Naturally, students can sometimes stray away from volunteer positions; claiming that they do not offer anything in return. My premise is around the notion that benevolence of knowledge is as important as receiving knowledge. By following my ideals, I volunteered my time to international students in an effort to help them assimilate into the culture of the United States.

I would speak to them individually and work on their vernaculars and word usages: sharpening their skills and improving on their lack of confidence to speak English. The students embraced and accepted the change from their home culture which proved to be mind-opening to myself. By the end of the program I had felt comforted knowing that the students left knowing more that they entered with.Sometimes, watching the success of others offer success to thy own. I could not have thought of a better donation of my free time.

thank you again for all your help
KofiD 1 / 5  
Jan 22, 2011   #2
greetings from Ghana Anthony,

Please critique and I will be doing the same for you, thank you.

plot: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum
Naturally, students can sometimes stray away from volunteer positions; claiming that they do not offer anything in return. My premise is around the notion that benevolence of knowledge is as important as receiving knowledge.

You do not really have much space to talk about your activity: its therefore better to dive straight in and tak about why you are passionate about what you do. Also your essay could benefit from concrete details ...for example what countries do they come from? . I know its hard to put all in 150 words but you have to keep working at it.

By following my ideals, I volunteered my time to international students in an effort to help them assimilate into the culture of the United States.

I would speak to them individually and work on their vernaculars and word usages: sharpening their skills and improving on their lack of confidence to speak English (a revision could read :sharpening their English language skills and boosting their confidence with spoken English

. The students embraced and accepted the change from their home culture which proved to be mind-opening to myself. (Revised : The students accepted the changes from their home culture which proved to be mind-opening for me)

By the end of the program I had felt comforted knowing that the students left knowing more that they entered with.Sometimes, watching the success of others offer success to thy own I am not sure what you mean here.

I could not have thought of a better donation of my free time.
it might be better to say I could not have thought of a better use of my time
Oops! you also mispelled Volunteer in your title

best wishes
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 13, 2011   #3
Nice job here, Anthony. This is a great thread. I like your writing style and that clever use of a colon.

I think making vernacular and word usage singular is a good idea, too. (Good call, Mohammad.

here is my idea for you:
Naturally, students can sometimes stray away from volunteer positions; claiming that they do not offer anything in return. My premise is around the notion that b Benevolence in giving knowledge is as important as receiving knowledge.

:-) That first sentence was unhelpful, so I killed it! Dead.


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