I use this for my UC APP.
But I am currently running out of time to start a whole new essay for the common app, so do you guys think it is any good?
Be honest and if you spot any mistakes please let me know!!!!!
In advanced THANKS!!!!!!!!
My job is in the Pacoima Branch Library. I sit there and listen. I watch. I wonder. The doors open and a universe of different people wander before my gaze.
Some have been defeated by Pacoima with sirens shrieking, bullets flying, helicopters hovering, robberies and for lack of better words constant violence. Sitting behind the desk in the Library, I observe and realize that many in my community struggle. It appears as if every new day holds more problems than the last.
Others look defeated their faces hiding another reality. Walking through the library door, a mother drags in her three kids, who tug at her shirt as they ask, "What are we going to eat today?" Her face is blank not knowing what to answer. I sense she knows there is not much left at home; she looks preoccupied with bills and rent that must be paid. But even through those worries I see a woman that will defeat and overcome. I see a human being that is educating her children providing for them a better future.
A group of wanna be cholos walk in through the opposite door. To the common eye they may seem dangerous, but in my experience most are seeking to fit in, misjudged by society. When they approach the desk to ask questions, I realize with surprise that some in this group are trying to cover something up-- how smart they really are.
I hear the echoes of parentless children with no where to go at this time of day. They have not come to read and learn, but to play and hide as they dodge through the stacks. The children run around being loud and obnoxious only to get attention they lack from their parents who always have to work and are never around.
I now realize that the world is not full of enjoyment and delights, but hardships that one must learn to overcome. With the difficult economic situation, it has not been easy for anyone. We are constantly faced with obstacles that just get harder to overcome every day. Yet my community constantly proves itself to be full of warriors, that never give up and continue to fight for a common goal, a better future. They manage multiple jobs at low paying wages to be able to put bread on their table. As a community, we strive to keep ourselves pumping.
Pacoima is a prominent Latino and Black community that always gets the short end of the stick. And I am weary of seeing my community taken advantage of. Stereotypes often hide another reality-- the goodness and intelligence that people truly have.
All these sights from my Library desk tell me a few things: I must go to college and gain crucial living skills. I must make something out of my life so that I do not find myself dependent on others. I must come back to my community and work with the people here. I must remain inspired to make a difference. I must remain true to myself and keep the promise of making the world a better place. It won't be easy, but it will be done.
Yeah, it's pretty good regardless whether it's about grammar or structure. Your essay shows me the other side of the community and there is definitely no need to scrap it.
However, I do think you need another kind of style for your concluding paragraph. It sounds a little like a to-do list, and I suggest you to connect them and establish a writing that every sentence is connected to each other.
angela
Wow, great essay which captivates me! I love your conclusion which is strong and firm! Good for submission (:
this sounds really good and it held my attention. but i think there is a problem with the flow in these sentences.
It appears as if every new day holds more problems than the last.
Others look defeated their faces hiding another reality.
Some have been deafened by Pacoima with sirens shrieking, bullets flying, helicopters hovering, robberies and for lack of better words constant violence.
What if you start like this:
Sitting behind the desk in the Library, I observe and realize that many in my community struggle. I sit there and listen. I watch. I wonder. The doors open and a universe of different people wander before my gaze. It appears as if every...
