Common Application Short Answer - Penpal relationships

Please help me edit my essay! Thanks you guys. :) It is 928 characters.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I used to write to my childhood babysitter, who always remembered to reply within a month. It was a very close pen pal relationship that kept going until the end of my freshman year. We only stopped because my pen pal was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease at the age of 78. He forgot most of the things we had talked about, and soon enough, I became a stranger as well. It was during a visit I took to his apartment that I was able to find my letters I wrote to him. He had kept all my replies in a shoebox in the corner of the apartment. Reading these letters, I had an epiphany. This friendship between two completely different people, had lasted so long, and affected me as a person. I wanted to give everyone around me the same experience I had. With the creation of "Calling All Penpals", my club at Troy High School, I was able to provide an opportunity to my peers to create that tight bond that had affected me so much.

Should I make it longer? Elaborate on more things? Make it more concise on my main points? Constructive criticism is desired! Thank you.

I think that it's a really good idea to write about the club you started! ...though, I do think you should talk more about the club versus why you created the club. Talking vaguely about what the club means to you and speaking more deeply about why you created it and how it works is a good idea, though talking about why it's important and speaking in depth how much it means to you is probably a better topic for the personal essay. Hope this helped!

Here are my edits.

I used to write to my childhood babysitter, who replied punctually within a month. We had a very close pen pal relationship that kept going until the end of my freshman year.My pen pal was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease at the age of 78, unfortunately, this put an end to our replies. He forgot most of the things we had talked about, and soon enough, I became a stranger as well. It was during a visit I took to his apartment that I was able to find my letters I wrote to him. He had kept all my replies in a shoebox in the corner of the apartment. Reading these letters, I had an epiphany. This friendship between two completely different people, had lasted so long, and affected me as a person. I wanted to give everyone around me the same experience I had. With the creation of "Calling All Penpals", my club at Troy High School, I was able to provide an opportunity to my peers to create that tight bond that had affected me so much.

i think most of this is really solid work, just add more about the club and how it works and why you created it (edit make certain things shorter other things longer)

In my opinion, that is a very well written essay. It is grammatically and structurally correct.

However, I have just one criticism for you.
The essay subject is elaborate on an extracurricular or work experience. Now, from reading your essay, I got the feeling that your experience was either writing letters to your pen pal, or creating the club. It would be very beneficial, if you elaborated more on writing the letters or about the club. See, you need to elaborate on the extracurricular and not so much, the reason why you started it.

Hope my feedback was helpful.