Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry.

Hi. This is my short essay for the common application. Any comment/advice is highly appreciated.
Thank you!(:

Being a volunteer in St. John Ambulance has allowed me to pursue my desire to help others especially during times in need. As a certified first aid volunteer, I realized that my service made a difference in a person's recovery when I helped a young girl during her sudden asthma attack. Just by helping her to breathe, I helped her survive. At that moment, I felt an immense sense of fulfillment and purpose. Since then, I have dedicated my time to provide first aid services during school and community events. Being a first aid volunteer has taught me how to respond under critical situations, build my leadership skills and ultimately it has allowed me to give back to my community. After serving for five years under St. John Ambulance, I am determined to continue my passion of saving lives and making a difference by joining the medical industry.

I'm not sure if that is a proper word. I tried looking it up on Merriam Webster and received no results. Maybe "life saver" might sound legitimate and more dramatic :]

Well... after reading your essay, you seem to refer to "first aider" a lot. Could you tell us specifically what job you held? Maybe a lifeguard or a nurse? I think that using a specific job instead of first aider would make your essay better. Or were you just a passerby?


That part is redundant. Just state that you were the hero. Sounds better than you learned that you were the hero. :)

Overall, I think this short answer is nicely written and well structured. It's not the most flamboyant or beautiful piece I've read, but it definitely gets the job done. :) You've included a specific example and used it to develop the main idea, that you want to help others and save lives.

By "first-aider" by any chance do you mean a member of the St. John's Ambulance First-Aid Club??

To be honest you come off as if your bragging, and i am sure you are not. Perhaps giving concrete examples about how you have grown through he experience as opposed to how you were the hero? I think if you can work that it it will ultimately be a stronger piece. I know the 150 word limit is hard to work around, but I am sure you can find a way to do that.

Cheers :)

Brian Mwarania

Kimathi, I am a first aid volunteer under St.John Ambulance (:
Thank you so much for the advices.
I have written the essay again without using the word first aider.

What do you think about this?

Apart form that I think it serves its purpose..

Being a volunteer in St. John Ambulance has allowed enabled me to pursue my desire to help others especially during times in need.

Excellent sentence here: At that moment, I felt an immense sense of fulfillment and purpose.

...how to respond under in critical situations, build my leadership skills and ultimately it has allowed me to give back to my community.

I cut some words to make room for you to give one more sentence to tell your specific goals in the medical industry. Interested in any particular specialization or work setting?

Thank you for the comments...:)
Yes,I want to be a neurosurgeon. Is there any way I could say that I want to be a neurosurgeon without sounding odd?

Thanks again!

Yes! It is crucial to show how well-developed your vision is for the future.

If you can express why you choose this over other specializations, it will be impressive. You have lots of choices. Why this one? Go deep in your reading of articles about various specializations, and show that you have done your research.

Hey Kevin, within the 150 word limit, you will have to be an excellent manipulator of language to achieve that without it sounding odd. but that just my opinion. :-)

Kimayu if you can do that though, I think it will make a killer short answer essay. And if you ultimately do, you will have to teach me as well.. :-p

Ha ha, yep. Consider this: You only need to mention a single word to specify a field of interest: Bioelectromagnetism, for example.
And with a few words, you can express some specific goals. In fact, if you have them, you probably cannot help but express them.
"I visited the department and saw that the laboratory was equipped with tools that will enable me to continue Dr. Robert Becker's work pertaining to bioelectromagnetism."

That sentence above shows that I have done research, visited the department, and made a plan for something I'd like to accomplish during my time there.

So... as you said, it will be a killer essay if you can express some clear plans. The ability to express clear plans proves something about you. Actually, it proves two things! :-)