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Common Application-Genunine leader : Evaluate a significant experience

appletree12 1 / 2  
Dec 20, 2009   #1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Any suggestions! (grammatical errors, topic etc)
Thx :)

A mite of coldness in the morning air braced my body. I was standing on the stage. The auditorium was packed with about 1,000 students and teachers. No specific spotlight directed me but more glaring eyes fell on me. I held my breath with a parched mouth. The hands holding a speech paper trembled like an aspen leaf and turned pale. I tried to stare off into space but it made me more nervous and my whole world turned black. For a moment my eyes lighted on some of my friends who flashed a "thumbs-up" and wore warm smile. Soon their smile came to my lips and this warmth released the tension in the frozen face muscles. The glance soon wandered from my friends to others. I looked the crowds in the eye. Strangely their eyes reminded me of my momentary drained heartfelt words and ambition. Soon it melted away all of the tension. Instead the passion sprang afresh in my breasts and gushed out like a spring with my first words.

After few words I folded a speech paper and tried not to remember those words written in the paper but to frankly speak with my sincere words from the heart because I did merely hope not to acquaint crowds with my plan but to communicate with them by heating their hearts. My deep, strong and firm voice reverberated through the hall with much confidence. Earnest expressions on the crowd's face made me further engross into the interaction. At the end of the speech I showed my puzzle poster drawn by myself which lacks one piece. I appealed them that I arranged all pieces as drawn in poster to make perfect plan for students and school with my passion and belief but last piece had to be given by the crowds to complete the work. The last piece was their faith in me. As I finished my words, the crowds unexpectedly juiced up as if they were in the concert. Boiling ambition in the bottom of my heart finally burst out amidst hearty cheers. My face turned bright red. As I stepped down, my friends leaped at me saying "We had goose bumps all over during the speech. Almost the tears of impression sprang into eyes!" For a thrilled moment time seemed to stop in their bosom.

In the election, I was elected as a president of the student council by the highest overwhelming majority of votes. Regardless of the result, the speech was one of the unforgettable moment because it confirmed me once again that leader should communicate with people speaking out of one's heart to be in the people's faith. James Humes once said that the art of communication is the language of leadership. However, leader should not be a good speaker but a sincere speaker. I believe all heartfelt words lead to people's heart. As I got kick out of the interaction during the speech, I realized that leader's speech should move people's heart. For one-year term I did my best to be a genuine leader who can always communicate freely with people and who has warm heart, warm charisma sharing with other students and faith, the most important thing I felt truly through a position of the leader from the election to all of the duties.
sbrooks10 2 / 18  
Dec 20, 2009   #2
This is just technical, but in the sentence, "No specific spotlight directed me but more glaring eyes fell on me," the "me" at the end of each clause is kind of redundant in a way... it just sounds repetitive at least.

"their smile came to my lips" ? this is a bit confusing. After I think about it I know what you mean but not right away.

In the "warm smile" part, do you mean smiles? (friends... more than one)

You use "words" a lot at the end of the first paragraph, beginning of the second.

The last paragraph is great, and the first one is pretty good too, but the middle one is a bit too wordy, vague, and over dramatized.

Good theme! I hope this helps!

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