Hey, I wrote two essays for my common application.
I cannot decide which one to use.
Both are rough drafts, and I need opinions about which one to use.
[1] It was July 26, 2005, when I realized my life was not a fairy tale with everlasting life. Until this day, I had never faced anyone's death, especially that of my most precious friend, my grandma.
A week after I arrived in the United States, I was left alone with my little sister. Yet jet-legged from the flight a week ago, mom went back to Korea to attend grandma's last rites. After she arrived in Korea, mom called and told us that grandma no longer belonged to this world. Hearing this news gave me a traumatic shock; I was unable to cry, and my muscles no longer moved. I lay on the bed for several hours. Nothing happened. Nothing seemed different. Grandma was still alive in my heart. "Then, why is everybody saying she is dead?" It was hard to accept this; however, I couldn't just stay like this. I had my little sister who was crying continuously beside me.
After I put all the puzzle pieces back in my mind, I realized life isn't a fairy tale. Even though one dies, still the ones left need to live. I was supposed to live. I was supposed to take care of my little sister until my mother came back. I didn't cry. I didn't have time to cry. There were still many things in this world that I needed to accomplish. Most importantly, I knew that grandma wouldn't want to see me crying all day long; what she really wanted to see in me before she died was a young, accomplished woman. I must be that one.
Having my sister lying down on my lap, I started to think. What do I want? Why am I in this foreign country, making my family members to sacrifice themselves? Even so, what is true success? Although I tried to figure out the answers painstakingly, still a naïveté prevented me from getting the answers.
Once the three-day-long funeral was over, my mom called and told us what grandma wanted to tell us before she passed away.
"There are no losers or winners in this world. One can be satisfied with the accomplishments that seem minuscule to others. Seek what you want. Don't try to follow what others ask you to do. Your life is yours, not theirs."
After I heard this, a sudden epiphany radiated throughout my body. What I wanted to do in America was to succeed; success to me was fulfilling grandma's ultimate goal. Finally, I concluded that I wanted to study to prevent another person from experiencing what grandma had. My grandma gave me a responsibility that would change the world and help people like her, who had lost everything during the Korean War. Since that day, I am no longer a childish, immature teenager; I became a strong, determined dream-seeker with an ultimate goal of assisting help needy people.
[2]Rubbing her eyes, a ten-year-old girl woke up from pleasantly delicious nap. However, something seemed unusual; everything was in darkness- note even a candle light was on. Trying to turn on the light, a girl started to wander around her room. She searched the switch on the wall. Posters, windows, and the door- the door was opened.
"[my name], are you awake now?" Girl's mom whispered after sensing a movement.
"Yes, mom. I'm finding the switch to turn on the light. By the way, why are you whispering? It is a bit... Oh, I think I found..."
"DON'T!!!" Girl's mom suddenly stopped the girl from turning the light on.
"[my name], all the lights should be turned off right now, and there needs to be no noise. I will explain everything later."
Fearing the darkness, a girl sat beside her mom. One minute, two minutes, ten minutes, and about thirty minutes later, an announcement came out.
"All people may turn their lights on from now on. Thank you for your participation."
As soon as the announcement was over, lights on the military base were turned on in row after row.
"So mom, what was going on? Where is dad?"
"Ok, [my name], I am not sure whether you realize or not, but we are living inside the military base. So annually, we have this war-time simulation. We cannot turn on the lights because they may disrupt airplanes' paths, and we should be silent because in real war, the noise can reveal our position to enemies. [my name], Korea is not a war-free zone, as you may expect. Our country is still on a cease-fire. A war can recur again at anytime, even at this moment. So we must be prepared all the time."
Nodding her head, a girl slowly went out to the balcony to get fresh air. Everything seemed peaceful; lights were back on. There was absolutely no indication of danger. Nothing implied that this place was in complete darkness just a few minutes ago.
"Wait a minute!" A sudden epiphany came to a girl. There was an implication, saying that Korea was still not stable. Indeed, there were a lot. At school, she was taught to call "113" when she sees North Korean spies or mysterious submarines. At home, her dad sometime left after receiving an emergency call from his colleagues. On news, North Korean refugees arrested at Chine were seldom reported.
Since that day, a girl learned how privileges she was to be, at least, in the era of truce, instead of the war. In addition, when she moved to America, a girl finally understood how prerogative to be in a "war-free" zone, where most people do not fear the outbreak of the war. She enjoys her life in the United States now, but at the same time, she worried about her nation, where the tension between North and South is getting heightened.
The girl now defines the word freedom somewhat different from definitions by other people. To her, freedom is not a grant to "speech, press, or religion." Rather, a real freedom to her is "a right to live without a fear." This girl- now seventeen-year-old teenager- is now seeking her dream in America. Her dream, which is to bestow "the freedom" upon everyone around the world
I cannot decide which one to use.
Both are rough drafts, and I need opinions about which one to use.
[1] It was July 26, 2005, when I realized my life was not a fairy tale with everlasting life. Until this day, I had never faced anyone's death, especially that of my most precious friend, my grandma.
A week after I arrived in the United States, I was left alone with my little sister. Yet jet-legged from the flight a week ago, mom went back to Korea to attend grandma's last rites. After she arrived in Korea, mom called and told us that grandma no longer belonged to this world. Hearing this news gave me a traumatic shock; I was unable to cry, and my muscles no longer moved. I lay on the bed for several hours. Nothing happened. Nothing seemed different. Grandma was still alive in my heart. "Then, why is everybody saying she is dead?" It was hard to accept this; however, I couldn't just stay like this. I had my little sister who was crying continuously beside me.
After I put all the puzzle pieces back in my mind, I realized life isn't a fairy tale. Even though one dies, still the ones left need to live. I was supposed to live. I was supposed to take care of my little sister until my mother came back. I didn't cry. I didn't have time to cry. There were still many things in this world that I needed to accomplish. Most importantly, I knew that grandma wouldn't want to see me crying all day long; what she really wanted to see in me before she died was a young, accomplished woman. I must be that one.
Having my sister lying down on my lap, I started to think. What do I want? Why am I in this foreign country, making my family members to sacrifice themselves? Even so, what is true success? Although I tried to figure out the answers painstakingly, still a naïveté prevented me from getting the answers.
Once the three-day-long funeral was over, my mom called and told us what grandma wanted to tell us before she passed away.
"There are no losers or winners in this world. One can be satisfied with the accomplishments that seem minuscule to others. Seek what you want. Don't try to follow what others ask you to do. Your life is yours, not theirs."
After I heard this, a sudden epiphany radiated throughout my body. What I wanted to do in America was to succeed; success to me was fulfilling grandma's ultimate goal. Finally, I concluded that I wanted to study to prevent another person from experiencing what grandma had. My grandma gave me a responsibility that would change the world and help people like her, who had lost everything during the Korean War. Since that day, I am no longer a childish, immature teenager; I became a strong, determined dream-seeker with an ultimate goal of assisting help needy people.
[2]Rubbing her eyes, a ten-year-old girl woke up from pleasantly delicious nap. However, something seemed unusual; everything was in darkness- note even a candle light was on. Trying to turn on the light, a girl started to wander around her room. She searched the switch on the wall. Posters, windows, and the door- the door was opened.
"[my name], are you awake now?" Girl's mom whispered after sensing a movement.
"Yes, mom. I'm finding the switch to turn on the light. By the way, why are you whispering? It is a bit... Oh, I think I found..."
"DON'T!!!" Girl's mom suddenly stopped the girl from turning the light on.
"[my name], all the lights should be turned off right now, and there needs to be no noise. I will explain everything later."
Fearing the darkness, a girl sat beside her mom. One minute, two minutes, ten minutes, and about thirty minutes later, an announcement came out.
"All people may turn their lights on from now on. Thank you for your participation."
As soon as the announcement was over, lights on the military base were turned on in row after row.
"So mom, what was going on? Where is dad?"
"Ok, [my name], I am not sure whether you realize or not, but we are living inside the military base. So annually, we have this war-time simulation. We cannot turn on the lights because they may disrupt airplanes' paths, and we should be silent because in real war, the noise can reveal our position to enemies. [my name], Korea is not a war-free zone, as you may expect. Our country is still on a cease-fire. A war can recur again at anytime, even at this moment. So we must be prepared all the time."
Nodding her head, a girl slowly went out to the balcony to get fresh air. Everything seemed peaceful; lights were back on. There was absolutely no indication of danger. Nothing implied that this place was in complete darkness just a few minutes ago.
"Wait a minute!" A sudden epiphany came to a girl. There was an implication, saying that Korea was still not stable. Indeed, there were a lot. At school, she was taught to call "113" when she sees North Korean spies or mysterious submarines. At home, her dad sometime left after receiving an emergency call from his colleagues. On news, North Korean refugees arrested at Chine were seldom reported.
Since that day, a girl learned how privileges she was to be, at least, in the era of truce, instead of the war. In addition, when she moved to America, a girl finally understood how prerogative to be in a "war-free" zone, where most people do not fear the outbreak of the war. She enjoys her life in the United States now, but at the same time, she worried about her nation, where the tension between North and South is getting heightened.
The girl now defines the word freedom somewhat different from definitions by other people. To her, freedom is not a grant to "speech, press, or religion." Rather, a real freedom to her is "a right to live without a fear." This girl- now seventeen-year-old teenager- is now seeking her dream in America. Her dream, which is to bestow "the freedom" upon everyone around the world
