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Common Application: My Russian Soul



pinkapple 1 / 6  
Dec 2, 2009   #1
Feedback would be great before I begin to send this into colleges.
Prompt is: Topic of your Choice.

During my first piano lesson with Ms. Elena Piastro, a St. Petersburg native, she told me I would have to learn her language. It took me a while to realize that no, this did not mean I should purchase a Russian dictionary. Instead I was to begin to understand the idiosyncrasies of her speech. Although I have been able to easily decipher most of her English, there has been one phrase that I have struggled to make sense of. When I perform a piece, Ms. Piastro always responds with the same words, "My dear you have a Russian soul!" As she continues on, my mind is still stuck on that first phrase. I am flattered, but curious to learn that my Ethiopian exterior houses a Russian being. What exactly is my "Russian soul?"

Lessons are a mixture of workshop and conversation. I am just as excited for detailing the text of Bach as I am for our weekly moment of dialogue. I will be following her lecture on the characteristics of Bach when suddenly I cannot help but ask a question about his life in Germany. Somehow the discussion will find its way to a fact about World War II, then a story about growing up in post-war Russia, and in no time we are back to the eleventh measure of Bach's prelude. When I leave my lessons I am appreciative of the work we have accomplished. Even more so, I am amazed at how the discussions and opinions of an elderly Russian immigrant and a young African-American female can still mesh. Although I take piano lessons to learn the art, I will admit that my anticipation for Wednesday nights sprouts from these conversations.

When I play piano, I indulge in the moments of music that make me smile on the outside and soar on the inside. My fingers hit the keys and I am in a state of bliss. The only thing that can bring me back down to earth is the last measure of music. It is when I am overflowing with this breathless satisfaction that I understand Ms. Piastro's language. My "Russian soul" describes the level at which we relate. Around the same time that I first made this discovery, Ms. Piastro advised me to pursue a major in music. In reply, out spilled my aspirations for a career in public health; how I wanted to participate in health policy and enact health initiatives throughout the world. She then affirmed, "If you love music, you won't be able to stop." That sincerity is what has me aiming to attain a degree in music along with one in community health.

I am slowly beginning to realize that when I leave for college there is nothing I will miss more, other than family and a few friends, than Wednesday night piano lessons. Through the past few years I have not only gained knowledge in music, but also an outlet for my interest in history, a cultural understanding, and a new friend. Perhaps my "Russian soul" is the result of my own openness. My soul cannot possibly represent a single viewpoint. It holds the concerns of a girl raised by an immigrant father and African American mother in the Minnesota suburbs. But it is not solely defined by these experiences. My soul expands through the conversations with those around me. It allows me to indulge in whatever I am doing and relate it to whomever I am doing it with.

yang 2 / 278  
Dec 2, 2009   #2
learn that my

maybe: learn how my

my "Russian soul?"

a "Russian soul?"

verb tense incoherent. Try putting everything in past tense except what you are thinking in the present, or still believe in.

soar on the inside

soar inside

If piano lessons can get me sharing what I've learned with a college admissions officer, then a classroom lecture or seminar should not only create dialogue within my own head, but with professors, classmates, and friends on and off campus.

I get that you are trying to emphasize your strength of communication and interaction with others, and through this, acquire more viewpoints, but it's an awkward comparison and can be possibly confusing at first glance (that's all they will do to decide if your story is interesting enough or not)

you want to be to the point, and brief. so my suggestion is that you directly say what you want to say, which is that you will interact with others and gain more viewpoints.

Overall, no big issues, since you chose topic of your choice, you definitely have more freedom.
although encumbered with a few grammar and verb tense issues (you should definitely get this edited by a teacher before you submit) it has a distinct focus and expresses your background diversity as well as internal diversity.

job well done

I just hope that you didn't talk about piano as your short answer, cuz that'll just be redundant, and well, boring.
OP pinkapple 1 / 6  
Dec 2, 2009   #3
Thanks so much for taking the time to edit.
Wow I really wish I didn't send this into U Penn last week (although admittedly for some reason i felt the need to rush their application and as a result all my essays were a bit off..)
Mustafa1991 8 / 369  
Dec 2, 2009   #4
Although I can easily decipher the majority of her English, there is one phrase that I have struggled to make sense of.

Personally I prefer "most" in favor of "majority." I'm not sure what grammar handbooks say.

I am just as excited for detailing the text of Bach as for our weekly moment of dialogue.

I am just as excited for ... as I am for...

I will follow her lecture on the characteristics of Bach when I cannot help but ask a question about his life in Germany.

Certainly you don't mean you will follow her lecture when and only when you cannot help but ask a question about his life in Germany?

Somehow that will run into a fact about World War II, then a story about growing up in post-war Russia, and in no time we are back to the eleventh measure of Bach's prelude.

What does "that" refer to? I'm already 99% sure but if you get rid of "that" and "run" for a more descriptive expression (e.g. Somehow the ensuing discussion will find its way...) you are in better shape. Know when to use pronouns and when not; when to turn on your precision goggles and when to switch them off for show.

Labeling the ethnicity of my soul as Russian is my teacher's way of expressing awe at the universality of music.

This is the single most important part of your essay because it allows for the opportunity to link an anecdotal particular on its last legs to some bigger idea which can refuel your essay and carry it. I think you did poorly and vision that where your essay came to a shuddering halt. In this respect you're not alone; this is quintessentially the area where people have the most trouble and flounder.
yang 2 / 278  
Dec 3, 2009   #5
This is the single most important part of your essay because it allows for the opportunity to link an anecdotal particular on its last legs to some bigger idea which can refuel your essay and carry it. I think you did poorly and vision that where your essay came to a shuddering halt. In this respect you're not alone; this is quintessentially the area where people have the most trouble and flounder.

he's right on that one... this doesn't really reflect on your main point which should be:

My soul expands through the conversations with those around me. It allows me to indulge in whatever I am doing and relate it to whomever I am doing it with.

right?

Anyway, the essay's main idea is pretty well stated, you won't have too much trouble because you didn't link that well your anecdote since the reader gets who you are.

I'm applying to UPenn too! So why did you have to rush? cuz I didn't apply yet... i'm a big procrastinator.
Mayada 6 / 74  
Dec 3, 2009   #6
It took me a while to realize that no, this did not mean I should purchase a Russian dictionary.

It took me a while to realize that no, this did not mean I should purchase a Russian dictionary.

Wow, I find this a really good essay.. just rely on the previous feedbacks, focus on one verb tense, and keep proofreading..

Good luck!!
OP pinkapple 1 / 6  
Dec 3, 2009   #7
Thanks guys I appreciate it.
I hurried because I have about 3 more apps to do and I had spent almost 3 weeks solely for U Penn. However as I read over my supplement I am pretty disappointed. Although I hold very high standards for myself, this is not a good feeling.

Also I wrote about a charity I work for for my interests statement not piano :p
OP pinkapple 1 / 6  
Dec 3, 2009   #8
Also that "universality of music" line was where my essay ended. The last couple paragraphs were last-minute add-ons.
Thanks for pointing that inconsistency out.

Is there anyway I can make it flow a bit better without losing the worth of that entire paragraph? (The one about what I feel when I play)
yang 2 / 278  
Dec 3, 2009   #9
Also I wrote about a charity I work for for my interests statement not piano :p

On this MIT app, there was the question: "describe an activity you do for pleasure" and I used a charity also!

Also that "universality of music" line was where my essay ended.

aa, that's why the paragraph reads so much like a conclusion!

Is there anyway I can make it flow a bit better without losing the worth of that entire paragraph? (The one about what I feel when I play)

I think that you could put that at the end so that you echo your intro, but you have to be aware that your initial point and your current point are completely different, so you need to tie piano back to the fact that you absorb a lot of culture.

As it is, it feels like you have 2 thesis within one essay. You need to merge them in the conclusion at least.
OP pinkapple 1 / 6  
Dec 3, 2009   #10
You all are wonderful.


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