Hello, friends~ I'm a Chinese girl and i want to apply to University of Richmond(a liberal art college).Frankly speaking,I rarely wrote english essay in my high school.so i thinks there must be a lot of flaws in my writing. please give me some suggestions about it. your helps are very important to me! Thanks so much~
prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
Personal statement
Throughout my life, cultivating a passion for learning the world around me and the nation l live in has been my goal. This passion has greatly shaped my values and my world view. In my childhood, I detected in myself a certain innate desire and curiosity to understand the world. Reading newspapers and listening to news reports became the fun part of my daily life, which also greatly broadened my knowledge scope. I was fascinated by the subtle international relationships full of wisdoms and the gestures of different nations when interacting with other nations and on the world stage. In 2006, the independence of Montenegro drew my eyes to this Balkan state. Through searching and studying, I knew the war in Bosnia and Kosovo. The turbulence of the area, the great destruction and loss of life confirmed me the belief that the negotiation through diplomatic channels was the best means to solve the confliction and confrontation between nations in order to guarantee a peaceful world. My interest in international affairs enabled me to perceive the essence through the surface of raw facts after analysis and adjustment.
Then I became interested in former Yugoslavia, and spent a lot of time studying its history, revolution and political reforms. My friends used to tease me for faithfully searching several large libraries only for a classic book on Yugoslavia study which was published 30 years ago, but in my mind, Yugoslavia was complex and unique. It was very different from other East European countries which went downhill with Stalin pattern in 1990s, because it declined and finally went to disintegration in the fight against Stalin pattern. When I learned more about Yugoslavia, I found some similarity in the development of China. The ruling parties of both countries boomed during the anti-Fascism war. They both chose socialism systems, learned from Soviet Union at first and then broke up with it later. They both made reforms and system innovations and found own development ways with some achievements. I drew some points from the analysis about Yugoslavia and thought some of them were relevant to modern China. Some innovative systems, such as the Socialist Autonomous System, had a lot of positive effects at first, but their disadvantages then hindered the sound development of Yugoslavia's economy. Their success and failure could provide useful lessons for China's socialist market economic structure. My interest of former Yugoslavia gave me a different respective to examine and think about my own nation.
As a girl who isn't interested in the current fashion, who doesn't know the hottest singing stars and who won't watch the latest movies, I am somewhat strange to my peers, but my passion for understanding the society and the world better has never declined. Last summer, I went to Shandong provincial labor and social security department to do volunteer work. As a student leader, I learned how to make a grope work more efficiently, how to communicate better with others and how to handle with the things out of expectation. My experience also let me know more about the real world. In the department, I met different kinds of people, including the workers whose factories closed down and the rural migrant workers who could not find jobs. Through talking with them, I learned a lot of them were the sole wage earners of their families. Because they lost their jobs and the inflation was severe, their lives became even harder. The long and somewhat bureaucratic procedures made them disappointed. Some of them were not qualified for applying for financial aid from government because they were not local residents or they did not have social insurance. I felt so sorry when they said thank you to me while I could do nothing for them. This experience let me pay attention to the people I rarely had thought of before and let me see other aspects of our society. Through the media, I have heard so much praises and exclaims about the wonder China made in last three decades and felt pleased by the news that China's GDP had surpassed that of German, or even by the mention of G2 theory. Now I came back humbled, aware of how little I knew about the real society and eager to learn more. When China strives to feed its huge population, there are so many social problems coming along with the rapidly growing economy, such as the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor, the social inequality, the controversial health system reform and education system reform. These problems are so challenging and if handled improperly, will constrain China's further development. This experience let me decide to make a contribution to improving the lives of poor people and to making a better society.
University of Richmond fascinates me so much because it provides such a unique learning environment and a way to my dream. Its strong faculty, small class-size and excellent reputation and distinctive programs such as the Bonner Scholars program and the Alliance for Civic Engagement attract me. The rich and innovative life for students inside and outside the classroom, engagement as a meaningful part of Richmond community, the nation and the world and the opportunities of study abroad convinced me University of Richmond is the best place to continue my passion and interest of learning the society and the world. I strongly believe that its education will enable me to achieve my work and life goal and to make our world a better place through my efforts.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my personal statement and application.
is it too long? I cannot find a way to cut it down. are there some sentences strange to native speakers?
thanks again!!~
prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
Personal statement
Throughout my life, cultivating a passion for learning the world around me and the nation l live in has been my goal. This passion has greatly shaped my values and my world view. In my childhood, I detected in myself a certain innate desire and curiosity to understand the world. Reading newspapers and listening to news reports became the fun part of my daily life, which also greatly broadened my knowledge scope. I was fascinated by the subtle international relationships full of wisdoms and the gestures of different nations when interacting with other nations and on the world stage. In 2006, the independence of Montenegro drew my eyes to this Balkan state. Through searching and studying, I knew the war in Bosnia and Kosovo. The turbulence of the area, the great destruction and loss of life confirmed me the belief that the negotiation through diplomatic channels was the best means to solve the confliction and confrontation between nations in order to guarantee a peaceful world. My interest in international affairs enabled me to perceive the essence through the surface of raw facts after analysis and adjustment.
Then I became interested in former Yugoslavia, and spent a lot of time studying its history, revolution and political reforms. My friends used to tease me for faithfully searching several large libraries only for a classic book on Yugoslavia study which was published 30 years ago, but in my mind, Yugoslavia was complex and unique. It was very different from other East European countries which went downhill with Stalin pattern in 1990s, because it declined and finally went to disintegration in the fight against Stalin pattern. When I learned more about Yugoslavia, I found some similarity in the development of China. The ruling parties of both countries boomed during the anti-Fascism war. They both chose socialism systems, learned from Soviet Union at first and then broke up with it later. They both made reforms and system innovations and found own development ways with some achievements. I drew some points from the analysis about Yugoslavia and thought some of them were relevant to modern China. Some innovative systems, such as the Socialist Autonomous System, had a lot of positive effects at first, but their disadvantages then hindered the sound development of Yugoslavia's economy. Their success and failure could provide useful lessons for China's socialist market economic structure. My interest of former Yugoslavia gave me a different respective to examine and think about my own nation.
As a girl who isn't interested in the current fashion, who doesn't know the hottest singing stars and who won't watch the latest movies, I am somewhat strange to my peers, but my passion for understanding the society and the world better has never declined. Last summer, I went to Shandong provincial labor and social security department to do volunteer work. As a student leader, I learned how to make a grope work more efficiently, how to communicate better with others and how to handle with the things out of expectation. My experience also let me know more about the real world. In the department, I met different kinds of people, including the workers whose factories closed down and the rural migrant workers who could not find jobs. Through talking with them, I learned a lot of them were the sole wage earners of their families. Because they lost their jobs and the inflation was severe, their lives became even harder. The long and somewhat bureaucratic procedures made them disappointed. Some of them were not qualified for applying for financial aid from government because they were not local residents or they did not have social insurance. I felt so sorry when they said thank you to me while I could do nothing for them. This experience let me pay attention to the people I rarely had thought of before and let me see other aspects of our society. Through the media, I have heard so much praises and exclaims about the wonder China made in last three decades and felt pleased by the news that China's GDP had surpassed that of German, or even by the mention of G2 theory. Now I came back humbled, aware of how little I knew about the real society and eager to learn more. When China strives to feed its huge population, there are so many social problems coming along with the rapidly growing economy, such as the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor, the social inequality, the controversial health system reform and education system reform. These problems are so challenging and if handled improperly, will constrain China's further development. This experience let me decide to make a contribution to improving the lives of poor people and to making a better society.
University of Richmond fascinates me so much because it provides such a unique learning environment and a way to my dream. Its strong faculty, small class-size and excellent reputation and distinctive programs such as the Bonner Scholars program and the Alliance for Civic Engagement attract me. The rich and innovative life for students inside and outside the classroom, engagement as a meaningful part of Richmond community, the nation and the world and the opportunities of study abroad convinced me University of Richmond is the best place to continue my passion and interest of learning the society and the world. I strongly believe that its education will enable me to achieve my work and life goal and to make our world a better place through my efforts.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my personal statement and application.
is it too long? I cannot find a way to cut it down. are there some sentences strange to native speakers?
thanks again!!~
