It says less than or equal to 150 words and i have 119 words:
As the treasurer of my school's Math Honor Society, Mu Alpha Theta, it is my responsibility to manage the society's financial account. At the beginning of each year I must collect the member's dues and additional money if they would like to purchase a Mu Alpha Theta polo. This year, I assisted in finding a company that would sell our society good quality polo-shirts at a low cost. Recently I was elected to be the chief organizer for the society's annual pumpkin pie fundraiser. It was my job to find the best deal on pies, figure out how much to sell them for, and run the fundraiser on the day of the sale. Our profit was close to $300.
Any feedback at all would be great. Do you think I should elaborate more? Is the last sentence about our profit a little irrelevant?
Thanks for all your help!
The profit part is unnecessary. Add in another sentence at the end about what this responsibility shows about you. Like, you're able to communicate well with others, or how you're able to ...I don't know I can't think of another one right now. Or write about what this position/experience has taught you about...working with others? life?
If you add in conclusion sentence about what this tells about you or what you've learned from it, I think you're all set.
I think you need to concentrate more on writing about what did u learn or gain from this activity/experience. I think it would be better for you to shorten the whole description about the activity into two to three sentences. Then devote the rest of the paragraph talking about the impact of the experience on you (may be enable you to take a liking in financial matters?)
Yup, just my two cents. You might want to wait for the comments from other members.
All the best :)
I'm not an expert at this, and I don't mind oppositions (as a matter of fact they are welcomed) but I believe that if you just tell about the activity quickly and generally and write about, in detail, how this may have helped you towards your goals in life it would be better and more useful to colleges. Maybe talk about how it helped you personally or how it helped you gain an understanding of your major.
-Hope this helps. Best of luck :)
I would elaborate more a bit. I agree with kids_jessy - tell how this job impacted you, why it's important to you. The bit in the 2nd sentence about 'extra money if they want to buy a polo' is not especially important.
You could even talk about why you're in Mu Alpha Theta, how you came to be the treasurer, are you one of the ones that's better at math or something?
Perhaps you could elaborate on the process of finding the company. I dont think it's easy to find a company to sell your society's shirt.
maybe you should add one sentence at the end of this essay, and it should say something about what you learn from the activity.
As treasurer of my school's Math Honor Society, Mu Alpha Theta, it is my responsibility to manage the society's financial account. At the beginning of each year I must collect the member's dues and additional money if they would like to purchase a Mu Alpha Theta polo. This year, I assisted in finding a company that would sell our society good quality polo-shirts at a low cost. Recently I was elected to be chief organizer for the society's annual pumpkin pie fundraiser. It was my job to find the best deal on pies, figure out how much to sell them for, and run the fundraiser on the day of the sale. Our profit was close to three hundred dollars.
Yes, ad one sentence at the end! Like seatoy said. I eliminated two occureces of the word "the"to buy you some extra room. There are no mistakes in your writing! :)
thanks everyone for your help!
lol nothings perfect for the very prestigious schools
and your activity isn't all that flashy. Its just organising shirts and pies.
i'd try to make it more interesting. More adjectives and stuff.
but your grammer is strong so thats good
I like where you were headed at the end. The statment about how it "helped me gain a greater understanding of how business taught operates" might be a good focus. Just a thought, hope it helps :)