commonapp #2: political science, discuss issue and importance

Common App
Option #2: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

So I started writing this essay and it's already almost 700 words and although it isn't quite finished yet I can't help second guessing myself as if this is alright.

Any feedback would be great.
I feel like it's a little.. informal... and I know that it doesn't have to be strictly formal, but is that more advised? Succinctness?

Background information: I'm looking to go into political science.
Main points I would like to hit at:
-Children are experiments. Compare to science experiment.
-Why this applies to me
-Advocation for education

In parentheses are things that I'm questionable about leaving in the essay..
and the conclusion is just something I whipped up total last minute -__-

Children are experiments. Simply put, no harsh feelings. This isn't something I personally came up with, but when I first heard it I was astounded. How cruel to compare a cute little child with something that brought up thoughts of horrid mandatory fifth grade science fair projects. But over the years, I've become less quick to judge and I'm seeing myself agreeing more and more with this statement. I mean who taught our parents to be parents anyways. Whoever it was obviously didn't do a very good job. Why couldn't my dad be the type that takes the whole family fishing or my mom be the next Sarah Lee cooking us warm, homemade meals everyday? But the reality is that no one taught our parents to be parents.

Just as in the beginning of my science experiment I had no idea even where to begin, parents aren't handed a manual on how to raise children. I actually remember trying to borrow a "science fair project how-to" book from the library in hopes of some guidance and inspiration only to be utterly let down. There were manuals galore and every single one seemed to pinpoint a different point or aspect on fifth grade science fair projects. I mean how many angles could there possibly be on a simple experiment! Even with a manual I had no beginning or ending in sight. The same is with raising children. The sea of books and help is endless and sometimes you get lost in the midst of looking for help.

It is funny how by the time this essay is being read I will have already taken over fifty courses alone in my high school career. Although I know that George Washington had wooden teeth and Napoleon was actually only five foot two, I have yet to take a course about life, about children, and about parenting. According to Census' most recent Current Population Survey conducted in 2008, a little less than half or 37.5 million American households have children under the age of 18. However, does the average American know that the first six years of a child's life are the most crucial in its development? Do they know it is because the brain is forming connections to set the stage for lifelong learning, behavior and health? The US government requires licensing for the smallest hot dog stand in New York City and yet nothing is required of us when it comes to having a child. If people need to be licensed on how to put a hot dog on a hot dog bun, I think it isn't too much to ask nor is it out of the question to require a class on parenting during high school. (The average age women in the US give birth for the first time is twenty-five. My peers and I will be twenty-five in six to seven years and if we don't educate ourselves we will no more be prepared to have a child now than we are seven years from now.) Advocating and providing education is the preventive measure to help parents with children. Having preemptive information can only serve to help and defend parents as they swim the treacherous waters called parenthood. Education will help not only parents, but children and families as a whole.

My generation and the generation after me will be the future of this country as well as the world. This issue is personal to all because we all have some sort of a family background. Having considered the fact that my mother was a first generation Korean as well as a single mom, it really strikes a personal cord that minorities and single moms especially have a hard time with their children because they don't have the economic stability to worry about things outside of their day to day living. (26% of single parent households are living under the poverty line which is higher than both married families and single person families and statistics also show that minority households are also more likely to be living under the poverty line.) I know that if my mom had been educated in the art and science of parenting, if she had been "certified" to being a parent when she was being certified as a public accountant, that my younger years would have been flown by with more ease. On the other hand this issue also expands out to anyone and everyone, locally, nationally, and internationally. Parents kindle their young from the womb now and it will affect their tomorrow. Changing our future by advocating for education in parenting starts now and will affect the youth of our tomorrow.

I personally think that you could come up with a much stronger topic, maybe stories involving your mom and family. Having read your essay, I do not have a clear sense of who you really are. The second bullet point of your main points is not that well developed. It sounds like a very strong argumentative essay (advocating education of parenting), but not a personal one.

PS- I don't think the phrase "I mean" is necessary in any essay.

^Since when did the Common App long essay have to do with discussing your academic plans?


^A parent's basic job is to provide shelter, food and the means of survival for their children. Parents can learn how to be parents from their friends, culture, religion and /or relatives. Also, parents can rely on their parental instinct on how to raise their children.

If a father taking the family fishing or a mother being a good cook is your definition of 'parenting', and failure to do these activities allows you to say that 'I mean who taught our parents to be parents', then I am sorry. These are just selfish wants that perhaps you longed and never got.

My father may never have taken me fishing. Does that mean that he is not doing a good job, or that he has received poor advice on parenting? Even if my friend's father never took him/her fishing, I would not question his father's parenting skills or how he learned how to become a father.

This whole concept of yours, altogether, shows a very poor understanding of parental relationships.

*I felt quite discouraged to read the rest of your essay, because I have a feeling it is just going to delve into this whole 'parenting' topic and how it is a personal issue and important to you. I do not think you understand, or know enough, to write a decent essay on it, judging from that paragraph I have just commented on.

Yes, in general, an admissions essay should be relatively formal. Yours is informal only in its introduction. I would scrap the deliberate sentence fragment. And, yes, you should be more succinct in general.


I think that the writer is here referring to advocacy for education, which is indeed an issue of public concern and thus appropriate.

That said, requiring licenses for parents is a very controversial idea. More so than you realize if you are not familiar with the history of eugenics legislation in this country. In the past, efforts were made to keep "undesirable" people from reproducing, including African Americans and members of disfavored ethnic groups. These efforts included sterilization of African American, Native American, and low-income white women -- often without their knowledge and always without their consent.

So, in order not to appear to be advocating such drastic measures, I advise you to keep the information about how important it is for parents to be well educated and to have access to sufficient resources, but get rid of your arguments in favor of government regulation of reproduction. Instead, argue for free parenting classes and the like. Studies show that the women who need them do, indeed, avail themselves of such resources when they are easily accessible to them.