Hi! Please help! I am going to submit it soon, but I'd like some feedback because I feel like there is something missing with this essay. Thank you! Please read it over and tell me what you think(:
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I anxiously rubbed my sweaty hands on my jeans as I inhaled and exhaled deeply, attempting to prepare myself for the speech I was expected to deliver in only minutes. My confidence diminished as I watched other students give their speeches. I berated myself for deciding to run for treasurer for the California Scholarship Federation, an academic club in my school. All I could think about was how I was going to embarrass myself in front of all my peers because I was not as comfortable giving speeches as everyone else seemed. I had always been afraid of failing; I did not want to disappoint my parents and failure always made me feel worthless. By the time it was my turn to speak, I was ready to bolt out of the library. With great reluctance, I walked up to the front to give my speech. I felt mortified as I hurriedly mumbled an incoherent mesh of words.
I completely failed, just as I had predicted. Yet, no one ridiculed me like I had feared. As time passed, the embarrassment faded away. For a while I did feel depressed about what happened, but my parents were still proud of me. They told me to just try again next time, and I chose to move on. I chose to stop being depressed over it because I realized that ultimately, though I cannot control what others think, I can choose to change what I think about myself. I started to stop tying my happiness with success. In the end, I was glad I had given that speech. Running for treasurer motivated me to try and run again the next year for Second Vice President because I lost my fear of failure. And because of presentations in class and practicing on my own part, I became more confident with my speaking skills. This time, I delivered the speech confidently and won the position. Through this failure, I learnt not to always beat myself up for failing.
One of the important factors that need to be represented in this essay is the method by which the event that you related helped define the kind of person you are, there is no clear development regarding how your managed to turn this success into a failure. What other people told you to make you feel better about losing the election is not the same as the self-realization that you may have had after which may have then caused a change in your personality. I am looking for the direct connection between the event and the person who you are. You need to set up the foundation for your story by telling the admissions officer the kind of person you are when it comes to dealing with failure. That way when you tell him or her about the lesson you learned and the change in your personality, we will know the reasons behind the significance of the loss. Build up to the change in your mindset about failure and how it has helped you become a better person today. I believe that is what is lacking in your essay.
