Contributing to Community - MIT Supplemental Essay

I decided to volunteer at the hospital

At MIT, we bring people together to better the lives of others. MIT students work to improve their communities in different ways, from tackling the world's biggest challenges to being a good friend. Describe one way in which you have contributed to your community, whether in your family, the classroom, your neighborhood, etc. (200-250 words)

When I decided to volunteer at the hospital last summer, I can't deny that scenes from "Grey's Anatomy" had run through my head. But even without the glamorization and level one traumas, volunteering at the Winter Park Memorial Hospital has been a fulfilling experience that has allowed me to help others.

For four hours every Friday afternoon, I can be found in the emergency department at my local hospital. My work takes me all over the floor, as I assist in a variety of tasks, depending on what the nurses need. There is always something that needs to be done, from changing linens to making blood culture kits. My favorite part of volunteering is interacting with the patients, even simply helping them with directions or listening to them tell an interesting story. I may be far from the operating rooms, but I know that helping out behind the scenes is an important part of helping the emergency department run smoothly.

I became a volunteer at the Winter Park Memorial Hospital with the goals of getting my feet wet in healthcare, getting involved in community, and to make positive differences in the lives of people. I have happily completed all these goals throughout my experience volunteering. (205)

I could really use some tips to make it less bland. I feel likes it's extremely generic right now, and I'd like to change that. Thanks!! :)

Jackie, you can improve this essay by first, removing the reference to Grey's Anatomy. You just don't know how irritated and bored the reviewers feel when they read television show references as one of the influencing factors of a person in a choice of career. Mostly because they know that the show takes shortcuts, portrays events unrealistically, and 100% fiction based but people take a gospel truth.

Next, you should use your current closing paragraph and develop that into an animated opening paragraph instead. It has the tendency to create a more personal connection between you and the reader at this point as opposed to the television show influence and reference. By developing that opening paragraph more, you should be able to close it with a transition sentence that can represent one of the more notable volunteer activities that you have undertaken at the hospital.

Even as a volunteer there surely has been at least one time when a volunteer activity you participated in left a mark on you and further pushed your desire to enter the medical field. Use that experience. Don't just narrate it though, involve the reader by creating a vivid description of the scene, events as it unfolded and the final outcome. That way you will be able to show how you tackled challenge and how your participation changed the outcome of the event. Without your presence there as a volunteer, how would the scenario have ended up instead?

By animating the presentation, you will make it less bland and far less generic than the current presentation.