A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay.

Please tell me what you think? You are doing me a great favor been harsh on this essay. Thank You in advance.

Prompt: I was thinking of writing "Indicate a pearson who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." But I'm not sure if that satisfied at all. Please tell me what you think.

What if it's a topic of my choice? Would this essay work or do I have to add or delete something.

A Conversation with Myself: Our Life.

My Scattered Thoughts: Our Life.
"I fight, I drink, I smoke, I went to first grade for three years but still don't know how to write my name." What future can this man have? Or is there even future for him? What can a man like him possibly contribute to his family? But this man gave his family more than everything a family could ever ask for. He was not only a great son, but also a great brother, a great husband and a great dad. He gave me everything, including a great life.

At age one through seven, I lived in a house no larger than the size of an ordinary classroom. But we were still happy; there was my mom, my brother, and there was my dad. My dad was always busy with his business, so we rarely saw him. But he would always be there for us when we needed him. If my brother and I did something wrong, he would always be there to protect us from my mother's wooden whip. We would always get what we asked for.

At age seven, my father succeeded. He became one of the most successful businessman in our little island. He paid all the debt my grandparents owned. Even though he knew he might never get these money back; he loaned money to all relatives asking for help with no interest. But my mother was not there to share the success for long, she died soon after. My father didn't start a new family when he could have, but kept working hard to support my mother's family and us.

Age eight we were sent to a school with great reputation. But the school didn't live up to its reputation; there were sex, smoking, drinking, and fighting- even teacher got injured.

Age thirteen, we emigrated to America pursuing education. The first stop was Pennsylvania, then New York, then we finally settled down in Virginia. My dad rent an house there for us, then he had to go back to China. Though life was not easy in this new country, we made it. I met some great people there.

Age sixteen, we were on the move again, this time the destination was New Jersey. Again, a new house, he had to go.
Age seventeen, I went to (school name).
Now, I'm a senior now. I will graduate from (school name).
Where will I be next year, I do not know.
Some might not see a great future for the children who were constantly on the move and lived on their own. They might thought they would stray off somewhere on the line. But I see a great future lies ahead of me if I'm willing to work hard for it, though, I would not say we never stray off somewhere on the line. There were times I got tired, and gave up pursuing the knowledge we longed for, but nevertheless, I got back on the track and made pretty far with my education. Even though my dad was rarely with us, he would always be an important part of our life. My ambitious goal is if not as great as him but to surpass him.

Thank You for you time.
-QM

-different analogy for size of house
-but we were still happy; there was
-business, so we rarely saw him
-take out or rewrite sentence: he would always get us what we want.
-never get thesethe money back
-after talking about loaning money to all relatives..no need to list them..very repetitive

-I do not like the essay. It is fine to discuss your mother's death, living in different locations, and admiration for your father. However, the essay does not flow. Also, the conclusion does not sum up the essay. I do not think the moral of the essay makes sense/isn't what colleges are looking for.

Thought it was a very powerful essay in that you got the point across- you had a challenging life as a child. However, it seemed too scattered for me. Don't think it would fit the "person you admire" prompt. Also, I was a bit confused of where you lived exactly- maybe you should adress the location of your residence earlier. And fix all the grammatical mistakes.

Very good though, I would admit you to my college

I think you tried to just fit too much in here. The essay feels dense to me, dense as in too many details in too small a writing space.

Take each idea as it comes. Lighten it for your readers. Let it flow logically instead of in such a cramped and overgrown style.

EF_Stephen
umm... can you explain what you mean, I'm not really sure..

And does the "content" of this essay work at all, I know it's not going to answer the influence person prompt now, so I would just make it as a topic of my own. Or I should throw this essay away, write a new one like emman said?

Should I take the part about my mother's death out; I don't want them to think I'm making them feel "sorry" for me. But if I do take that part out, then the essay wouldn't flow at all since we might never come to U.S if she was alive. Does this essay seem like I'm "begging" or something. I don't know if that's the right word there... If begging would get us into college, I think we all would. and I just lost some questions. Anyway can you tell me what you garner from this essay, for last several essays I wrote, people didn't seem to get what I intended to show/tell... and I'm not sure now too.. sorry for all the trouble... so confusing

I'm willing to write a totally different one again if this one doesn't work, please be harsh.
Thank You for your time.

All of this, while on some level necessary, is like walking into a jungle. Felt like I needed a machete to hack my way through it and get your meaning as it regarded the prompt. A year-by-year accounting of your life is just not necessary. It isn't even relevant, really.

That's what I mean by lightening it up some. The lessons learned, yes. The minute details, no.

What about now? I deleted something and added something; not sure if made the meaning clear at all. And this will no longer be for the prompt of "influence person" but "a topic of my own".

Thank You.

can someone read this? and some feedback

at least leave things like

"bad" or "good" so I know someone has been reading...

sorry lack of comments make me feel like it's very bad and I need to write a totally new one...

Not bad. It'd be better if you decided what you wanted the essay to say about *you*, then revised it to make sure everything you have included in it works towards that goal. At the moment, your Dad seems like he would be a great applicant. The essay doesn't really say that much about you as an applicant, though, which is a problem since you are the one who wants to get in. This is especially important if you are no longer writing on a "person of influence" topic but on one of your choice, as you should choose to write about something that makes you look really good.

ok, thank you very much.

I'm trying to tell the college I'm hard working, independent, and "smart"(maybe) since I have lived by myself for almost all my life. And I have adanced from someone who didn't speak any English to someone who took/taking 7 AP classes and several honors classes in total with no help from other people. I didn't talk about classes and school at all because people say the admission officers can see them on the transcript. And my friend told me I should definitly write about I live by myself since age 13, since it's basiclly college life. I will try if I can clarify these points.

yea, after I read it again, I think only the second part talks about me...

Don't tell; show, instead. If you are hard working and independent, relate in detail an experience you have had in which you demonstrated these qualities. If you can tie that experience in to your father's influence, so much the better given your current approach to the essay.

This is my latest copy, can someone please read it. Any grammar or construction or punctuation help is appreciated. And please tell me what you think about the essay(any thing I should add or delete? Does the essay flow? Anything need rewording?). Thank You.

My Scattered Thoughts: Our Life.
"I fight, I drink, I smoke, I went to first grade for three years but still didn't know how to write my name." What future can this man have? Or is there even a future for him? What can a man like him possibly contribute to his family? But this man gave his family more than anything a family could ever ask for. He was not only a great son, but also a great brother, a great husband and a great dad. He gave me everything, including a great life-that's my dad.

At age one through seven, I lived in a house no larger than the size of an ordinary classroom. But we were still happy; there was my mom, my brother, and there was my dad. My dad was always busy with his business, so we rarely saw him. But he would always be there for us when we needed him. If my brother and I did something wrong, he would always be there to protect us from my mother's wooden whip.

At age seven, my father succeeded. He became one of the most successful businessman in our little island. He paid all the debt my grandparents owed, even though he knew he might never get this money back; he loaned money at no interest to all relatives asking for help. But my mother was not there to share the success for long, she died soon after. My father didn't start a new family when he could have, but kept working hard to support my mother's family and us.

Age eight we were sent to a school with great reputation, but the school didn't live up to its reputation. Sex, smoking, drinking, and fighting(even teachers got injured) were weekly occurrences.

Age thirteen, we emigrated to America to pursue an education. The first stop was Pennsylvania, then New York, then we finally settled down in Virginia, a place with less than one percent Chinese, so we would be forced to learn English. My dad rented an house, registered for the school, then he had to go back to China for business. An empty house, some money, and us, that was it for our first three years in U.S. We went to school, sat in the classes, waited until the day ended. After school, we would walk to Farm Fresh and buy some food. Then I would spend an hour attempting to make dinner; my brother would do the dishes afterwards. After that we would study on our own, learn English from T.V. That was the first year, no homework, nothing since we didn't know any English. Somehow after a year, we learned some English and made a few friends. Things slowly got better.

Age sixteen, we were on the move again, this time the destination was New Jersey. Again, a new house, but he had to go.
Age seventeen, I went to (school name). With two more years until college, I was desperate to improve my English. I was stupid enough to download vocabularies to my cell phone and listen to them like music. I even thought I might subconsciously learn some vocabulary while asleep. Of course, it didn't work that well, but at least I tried, I thought. Then I came up with another crazy idea. It was to study in the car to avoid distractions, no T.V, no computer, nothing. But that didn't work well either.

Now, I'm a senior. I will graduate from (school name). Another rigorous self-improvement plan was constructed. This time the place is Barnes and Noble. I thought even if I got distracted; I would be distracted by books. No matter what books I ended up reading, I would improve.

Some might not see a great future for the children who were constantly on the move and lived on their own. They might have thought the kids would stray from the right path. But I see a great future lay ahead of me if I'm willing to work hard for it. There were times I got tired and gave up pursuing the knowledge we longed for; but in spite of the difficulties, I have met the challenges. Even though my dad was rarely with us, he would always be an important part of our lives. A famous Chinese proverb says "Poor is the student who does not exceed his teacher." My ambitious goal is to exceed even the greatness of my teacher-my father.

Next year, I hope to have the honor of studying at a top tier university.

can someone read this and tell me how is it now?

Here are my thoughts:

Where do you live? all i know is that you're on a little island until you come to America...oh! halfway through the essay i find vague evidence that you're in China. Make it more blatent and much sooner in the essay.

"there was my mom, my brother, and there was my dad."
-if you want a sort of repetitive emphasis, rewrite it like this: "there was my mom, there was my brother, and there was my dad." with or without the "and".

-If that's not necessarily what you're looking for, then keep it simple: "there was my mom, my brother, and my dad." The important thing is tokeep the structure parallel.

"succeeded" as opposed to something like "achieved success" sounds like dad accomplished a specific goal, not business success in general. When who was age seven? Because right now it sounds like your dad is seven at this point. This applies all throughout the essay. make sure your prepositional phrase agrees with your subject.

-Change it to: "When I was seven years old, my father had become very successful, more so than anyone else on our little island." or words to that effect. That way you eleminate redundancy by not using the word "success" too often.

you emigrated to America to pursue a better education. You just talked about the education you were getting wherever you were, so you're leaving there to get a better one.

"My dad rented an house, registered for the school, then he had to go back to China for business."
-should be "a house"
-omit "he"

For the love of God, don't volunteer examples of your own stupidity!!!
-"I was stupid enough to download vocabularies to my cell phone..." NO!

Overall, a pretty good idea. You're on the right track. There is a lot of superfluous information and there are many distracting grammatical errors. I agree with Stephan that it is dense, but with a lot of useless informatiuon. Very busy and difficult to read. Stick with the idea, but keep it to the relevant and necessary and you'll have a killer essay. Good Luck!

can you tell me what's the


and


"For the love of God, don't volunteer examples of your own stupidity!!!
-"I was stupid enough to download vocabularies to my cell phone..." NO! " I thought this would show I'm hard working like sean suggested?

it would do so more effectively with some rewording and the omission of the word "stupid".
Maybe something like...:
-"I tried many different methods for learning English, some of them more effective than others." and then maybe adding something about the vocab on the cell phone. "One of my less successful attempts was..."

By superfluous information i mean anthing that doesn't add anything especially poignant to the essay, for example:
-"Sex, smoking, drinking, and fighting(even teachers got injured) were weekly occurrences."
this does relate to the essay and make sense, but it does not contribute to your essay as a whole, in which the general idea is "I've worked really hard to get where I am today, and this is how i did it."

Seriously, though, very good essay.

amandahart
Thank Youl Very Much.

Yes, I agree with you that I should reword that sentence now. I guess I'm not very creative by just using the word stupid.

And about the "Sex,smoking,drinking..."

I was trying to tie the fact that I didn't go to a very good school for 6 years(most people might not think any good student would come out of that school I suppose so...), but I managed to stay away from the bad stuff such as the most common thing(smoking). I even hate smoking and would yell at anyone who smokes near me lol, including my dad. :)

Does that not work? I thought that would make my "case" of first generation(something don't really need to state, but you know from the essay right? lol) student stronger. As most people had assumed I came from a family whose parents are like professors or something and thought I had great amount of help from parents. But that's not true, my resources were simply myself and textbook and teachers.

I attend to one of the top 50 high schools in the United states, and there is PLENTY of sex, drinking, drugs, and smoking. I think that colleges know that. For example, I'm applying to the University of Florida, which has been in the top 10 party schools list for years. It has also been a top university for years. So while that tidbit makes sense, i don't feel that it contributes to the essence of the essay. (haha...essence of the essay...sorry...) But it isn't way off topic or distractingly gratuitous, so you can keep it of leave it without too much difference. Also, parentheses, although you used them correctly, are often weak. Same thing, though, they can stay or go. It matters not too much.