College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?
It all began with my knowledge of my excellence in math. I was not always aware of excellence in this area but this changed when my peers began stereotyping that Asians are geniuses at math. Although some people may disagree with being the product of your peers, I object. Your peers have a large effect on your life; it is the way that you utilize the effect that they had on you that matters most. I was able to utilize this skill and benefited from it by getting high grades in the math classes. Furthermore, my peers' assistance in the
discovery of my skill also assisted in the decision of my future career.
The business done at my home every day was also a strong motivational factor. In my childhood, my parents often invested in the stock market and they would watch the tickers change every day. Now, my parents are involved in an EBay business. When you are surrounded by business related activities, your inclinations are also affected by it. Eventually, I got involved in business too. I started making small money by reading emails and clicking links. This influence later expanded to the games I played as I invested in the auction houses of the games for the sole purpose of making money. By then, I had realized that my career belonged in business and the only question that remained was "What type of business?"
I made my decision during high school. As a member of the Academy of Finance program, I was required to take College Accounting during my junior year. At first, I had believed that the class was another simple math class. I was correct that it was a simple math class but I discovered it was not just another class. The class utilized my excellence in math with particular aspects of business that could possibly promise me a job in the future. It provided cash in return for utilizing something that I was already an expert at. Furthermore, when I attended a Career Day hosted by the New York State of Certified Public Accountants, I realized that the career had also involved many other activities that I had enjoyed. Travelling to other countries and meeting up with clients, earning lots of money, and having your own office - these were all part of being an accountant. It seemed like the perfect career option for me.
The more days that pass, the more I want to be an accountant. It is because I am surrounded by business every day. Going to the store and buying a donut? Business. Going to school or not going to school? The school's business. Crossing the street and almost getting run over? Insurance business. It is evident in nearly every activity I do and that serves as a continual motivation for my career as an accountant. It may not be strictly accounting but it surely involves it or a variation of it.
Honestly critique this please. If it's boring, cliche, etc - Let me know. Be harsh :)
Your peers have a large effect on your life; it is the way that you utilize the effect that matters most.
---Refer this sentence to yourself and relate it to your experiences. Use my peers instead.
Iutilizedthis skill and benefited from it by getting high grades in the math classes.
The word utilized makes it sound like you're trying too hard because it doesn't quite fit in the context of the sentence. Also, what skill or type of skill?
Now, my parents involve themselves in an EBay business.That is why, at the age of nine, I began involving myself in business by making small money by reading emails and clicking links.
Thats a bit awkward, just say what you're trying to say.
---Relate your essay back to the school. Take my changes as suggestions. Good luck.
Return the favor and read my essay please:
I've incorporated some of your changes. Any further critique would be much appreciated
Hmm, can I please get some more review on this? This is like my top choice but the least responded to :(
I think that the essay needs a stronger first sentence. I think it would be more attention grabbing to start off with something about being a stereotyped as an Asian math genius. I thought that the middle two paragraphs were a little boring, but they are the heart of the essay and answer the prompt - maybe just liven them up with any anecdotes or something.
I think that sentence doesn't provide a good image to admissions officers about why you want to be an accountant...making a lot of money and having your own office - I just don't see your passion from those two things.
I really enjoyed the ending and thought it was very humorous
Hope that those comments help. Can you please read my thread? It is my common app essay and actually I'm considering scrapping it completely I need another opinion though.
