College of Arts and Sciences: Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.
A Student's Goal
"It is not simply an obsession with medicine" I said to my friend . In medicine, I am deeply interested. I have been motivated to pursue this field of study, not by some mundane life changing experience of watching a young child suffer from an unknown disease, but by a prolonged exposure to this profession. Growing...
after edits:
My story with medicine does not initiate with a life changing experience of watching a young child suffer from an unknown disease. Instead, it begins with an utter hatred towards this profession and towards the turbulent atmosphere at our house packed with two doctors. My parents were engrossed in their hospitals to such an extent that unlike other children of my age, I had never been taken to amusement parks by elders. Unlike my neighbor Amit's dad, my father did not play cricket with me on weekends as he was often on call. Thus, in my early childhood, I was extremely opposed to the life of a doctor.
However, my feelings changed upon maturation. Watching sixty year old patients walk, under the care of my father, with their newly replaced knee joints showed me a new side of this profession. I understood that the earnest acts of gratitude displayed by the patients towards our family were missing in Amit's life. Gradually, therefore, I was drawn closer to the profession of my parents. In order to emulate the kind of feelings that my father received upon rejuvenating the lives of his patients, I was motivated to knock the doors of various hospitals in search of volunteering. I desired the type of intellectual talks of my parents. Such a desire to obtain the intellect kept me going back and forth to the various research labs to try to achieve the mindset of the educated.
Hence, it had been decided long ago that I would work very hard throughout my career as a student to receive the lifelong generosity gifted to physicians. In order to bring tangibility to such a dream, I plan to be extremely focused in this field that interests me the most. Therefore, as an undergraduate student, I wish to pass through the tunnel that will be contiguous to the field of medicine, a goal that can be achieved by no major other than biological sciences. With biology as my focus of education, I can solidify my base for future educational aspirations, and explore various facets of this field that my young seventeen year old life could not expose.
While studying biological sciences at Cornell, I plan to continue being heavily involved in research since I believe that research the most important component that provides a base for any medicinal advancement. At the College of Arts and Sciences, I can readily find a lab of my academic interest given one of the most powerful research programs in the nation established by Cornell. However, the one aspect that I am truly looking forward to is the interactions that I will have with equally motivated students and professors. The company of the smartest people in the nation will allow me and many others to stray from the shallow aspect of learning for the sake of it and encourage us to truly dig deeper into every topic, thus allowing us to further explore the secrets of our fields of study. With such high goals, I am sure to utilize all the resources that the College of Arts and Science provides me.
what do you guys think?
where can i improve?
Well, I can definitely tell that you are a good writer, but your essay has some fundamental problems. I saw that you are intellectually engaged in medicine, but I didn't see too much about how your interests have evolved. I think the admissions officers want to read a paradigm shift; something that occurred and changed your view on something. Even if that's not the case, you need to develop your essay a little better, because in its present state, it seems pretty bland. Also, remove some of the uncertainty in your paper.
Watching sixty year old patients walk, under the care of my father, with their newly replaced knee joints somehow motivated me to knock on the doors of various hospitals in search of volunteering...
Perhaps it is my interest in medicine that keeps me going back and forth to the various research labs to try to achieve the mindset of the educated. Or perhaps it is a force that allows me to wake up at seven on every Saturday morning to spend some time delivering flowers and talking to the elderly.
Spend some time revising the content, and I think you will do just fine. Should you choose to rewrite it, try doing some brainstorming. Come up with one general idea you want the reader to leave with in every paragraph, and write based on that. I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh, it's only my opinion. Good luck!
Great essay, I really liked it! Here are a few suggestions based on your revised version:
-Who is Amit? I wouldn't mention him specifically, maybe call him "my best friend" or something like that if he doesn't play an important role in the essay
-Gradually, therefore, I was drawn closer to the profession of my parents.- there is not need for therefore
-In search of the kind of feelings that my father received upon rejuvenating the lives of his patients, I was motivated to knock the doors of various hospitals in search of volunteering
-Hence, it had been decided long ago that I would work very hard throughout my career as a student to receive the lifelong generosity gifted to physicians.
-The company of the smartest people in the nation will allow me and many others to stray from the shallow aspect of learning for the sake of it and encourage us to truly dig deeper into every topic, thus allowing us to further explore the secrets of our fields of study.- I think that the "learning for the sake of it" part is confusing. Because people tell us to, "learn for the sake of learning, not for the grade". so maybe you could emphasize the grades aspect more, that instead of learning just for grades, you want to honestly learn etc etc
-I also think that your last sentence should be a little more powerful, something like, the college of arts and sciences will enable me to... be creative.
But overall, i enjoyed your theme, your dedication, and interest. I really see your passion through this essay, and I think that with a few minor tweaks it could be awesome! Good luck!
Okay, the content is much improved this time. Now that you have a paradigm shift in it, there is one more issue. The essay doesn't read very well becuase it almost seems like you tried too hard to include giant words. While it is very important to include intelligent vocabulary, you shouldn't over saturate your writing with humongous words. Look at the intro:
My story with medicine does not initiate at an insignificantlymundane life changing experience of watching a young child suffer from an unknown disease.
That's pushing it a little too far in my opinion, and the word "initiate" doesn't really seem like it fits here. Like I said, keep using good vocabulary, but not to the point where the meaning or use of those words is out of place. Much better than your first attempt though. Keep at it, and good luck!
