Hi, I'm in desperate need of some criticism for my Cornell essay.
I'm not sure if I'm answering the question correctly. Please help me out.
Medical School Preparation
"What would you like to become when you grow up?" My friend had answered the question by saying that she would like to work in a candy shop so that she could eat candy all day. Following her response I answered with a serious expression, saying that I would like to become a doctor. My response had been so certain compared to my peers' colorful responses that my kindergarten teacher laughed, telling the parents visiting for Career Day that I seemed ready for medical school already. Wrinkling my nose at the prospect of more school, I distinctly remember saying that I wanted to become a doctor because I liked the "superhero capes" they wear. That drew even more laughs from the adults in the room. Little did I know that there was truth in my answer- doctors are indeed heroes in everyday life.
Becoming a doctor has been my aspiration since childhood. The motive behind this decision in the beginning may have been shallow, but my desire later grew on more logical grounds. My sister has had eczema since she was one month old. Watching my pediatrician advise and comfort us through our family's crisis made me realize that I would like to similarly help others by being a doctor. Always a curious child, the concept of my sister's eczema confused me - why my sister got it and not me, why she itches touching silk while I can wear the dresses without the slightest irritation, what causes her allergic reactions. Answers always vague, I found myself frustrated and constantly searched for answers.
By high school, my passion for the sciences set my resolve to become a doctor. I walk into my AP Biology class everyday excited, knowing that I will be learning something new, complex, and interesting. I love finding out the "why" behind everything that happens in the world around us such as our genetic makeup. The knowledge that science makes our lives easier in many ways, such as immunizing us from potentially detrimental illnesses, fascinates me. My love for the sciences and my desire to help others makes the career of a doctor perfect for me. Combine this with my love for children and understanding of the desperate lengths parents go through for their children's health and you get the ideal candidate for a pediatrician.
I believe that attending Cornell can help me reach my career ambition by preparing me for medical school with its array of majors and opportunities given to students. It would provide me with the high level of education I seek, with its challenging and motivating classes, as well as a rich and meaningful college experience. Majoring in Biological Sciences at the College of Arts and Sciences would bring me one step closer toward reaching my goal. This university offers its students many means by which they can stimulate their minds and grow as a person, and I hope that I may be able to join and contribute to the Cornell community.Overall, I really like it :)
I found some sentences I thought are awkward/could be improved:
My response had been so sure compared to my peers' colorful responses that my kindergarten teacher laughed and told the other parents there for Career Day that I seemed ready for medical school already
-run on, and "so sure" sounds odd... i would restructure this
Medicine has been my aspiration since childhood.
-medicine cant really be an aspiration... say "I've aspired to have a career in the medical field since I was a child" or something like that
Doctors are an important part of society and I want to be able to make a difference in people's lives
-boring sentence/doesn't add anything
The fact that a doctor's life is a continuously learning experience also appeals to me
-is a constant learning experience?
i think you could strengthen the last paragraph by taking out some general stuff about doctors and talking about you and why youre interested in cornell's medical program
hope that helped!
please if you have time take a look at my last thread.. i need help with these two awkward sentences. it would be greatly appreciated!
Everything appears good. However, I have a question here.
Is the college of arts and science typical path for medical students?
Anyhow I like how you revealed your passion of becoming a doctor.
However, you make a lot of general statements... like I hope to contribute to the cornell's community... BTW... I think a lot of doctor wanna be students have very similar motives as you do. If you think there is anything that makes you unique among other medical students... that will pop your essay like a pop corn.
