Evening everyone, I hope you can lead me on the right path to a succesful essay! I would greatly appreciate some constructive criticism or suggestions! Thank you in advance!!
Prompt: College of Engineering:
Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.
I have long had an affinity for nature and an admiration for the untamed wilderness-for the unfettered joy with which birds and dandelion puffs take to the air, their profound beauty founded on the ignorance of that freedom. However, upon my instatement into the understanding of worldwide processes and events, my joy has steadily diminished, blackened with the plagues of global warming, pollution, and extinctions caused frequently by political greed, ignorance, and corruption. As my concern for these issues grew, my desire to understand them through a comprehensive knowledge of their intricate connections with science, politics, and math instilled in me a desire to learn as much as I could about engineering and environmental conservation policy. My motivation to apply to Cornell's College of Engineering stems mostly from this desire in copulation with the astounding and exciting research and education opportunities I have discovered the College provides.
While reading the 2007 copy of "Cornell Engineering" I discovered that the field of chemical engineering best fits my commitment to "active environmental stewardship." Over the past year, my somewhat vague interest has solidified into a passion to major in that field. My conviction lies primarily in the opinion that as a chemical engineer I would be best equipped to help alleviate and protect the environment from the detrimental effects man has on the earth. I often dream of making sweeping changes to the leech-like relationship that exists between most humans and the environment. Some of the things I imagine doing are devising renewable fuel and energy sources, producing essential products from commercial and industrial waste, and devising more efficient methods of utilizing and perhaps eliminating petrochemicals.
Here are two different openings to this paragraph, please tell me which you prefer, Thanks!
Sometimes when my mind automatically scoffs at these somewhat grandiose aspirations, I have to forcibly remind myself that if I go to the College of Engineering at Cornell that I can make my dreams a reality. OR Although the specific means by which I accomplish these goals are often shrouded in a cloak of uncertainty-my knowledge of specific engineering processes is nearly nonexistent-I know that at Cornell I can make my dreams a reality.
I have complete faith in this assertion because I know that not only is Cornell one of the top-ranked institutions in the country, but it also provides hands-on research opportunities in which undergrads work with reputable, yet down to earth faculty. The personal growth and limitless exploration fostered at Cornell's College of Engineering will allow me to successfully pursue my interests and flourish as an engineer.
Well, I think the second opening is better. Your essay is very well written, but here are the tip to make it better.
Eliminate the commas. You put too much of them, making the sentences kind of hard to read. Try to reduce the sentence or cut some examples.
angela
Sometimes when my mind automatically scoffs at these somewhat grandiose aspirations, I have to forcibly remind myself that if I go to the College of Engineering at Cornell that I can make my dreams a reality. OR Although the specific means by which I accomplish these goals are often shrouded in a cloak of uncertainty -- and my knowledge of specific engineering processes is still very limited -- I know that at Cornell I can make my dreams a reality.
I have complete faith in this assertion because I know that Cornell is not only one of the top-ranked institutions in the country, but ...
