Cornell Engineering Essay. (Not titled yet)

ESSAY PROMPT: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

MY ESSAY:

Imagine waking up to the sound of wheels grinding against a rail. Well, that's how some, if not most, people live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Homes should be a place of tranquility or chaos, but it should be the person's choice, regardless of where the home stands. This affects our health and quality of life and just because some can't afford better living conditions doesn't mean we should sacrifice health to have a roof. I want to be an inventor - not for the wealthy - but for those with developing spirits that need a thriving environment to succeed. I want to take my love for math and science and dedicate myself to engineering better and more cost effective neighborhoods, and improve the quality of life.

Our homes need windows that reflect sound waves to machines that harvest the waves to generate energy, or maybe I could make roads made of tree roots that extend miles so more trees could be planted and the demand for a "greener" environment could be satisfied. Maybe they are fanciful ideas, but as a prospective engineering student, I must know that nothing is impossible. Sound waves, trees, and many other resources have yet to be collected and used to their maximum potential. This is America. We don't just let the sun shine and the wind blow; we put them to work. I know that I am here to do just that.

I need to get the most of my education. So I assured that the environment presented at the College of Engineering was optimal for me. I visited the campus and found a more than suitable environment to work and study in, but that is not all. Cornell makes students take an introduction to engineering course to explore the different fields of engineering. Although I am currently interested in studying civil engineering, I may find an even more interesting field to study during my time in that course, and that type of flexibility that Cornell offers assures that I will truly study what I am most interested in. After I am sure about what I want to do, I will begin doing research in my field of study. Cornell offers many engineering groups and research opportunities for students to participate in. The College of Engineering even has an Engineering Management minor that will aid me in another one of my goals: to own my own business just like my dad.

Cornell will challenge me beyond the creative edges of my mind to engineer impossible possibilities. Let my actions prove to you that I will go beyond the College of Engineering's expectations and, more importantly, my own. I'm ready to take chemicals and rulers and make towers and roads. All I need is for Cornell University to point the way.

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Ok so tell me if the essay is good or bad b4 you start making corrections, because I'll rewrite the whole thing if need be!

Thanks to anyone who reads its, and I'll continue helping others will their essays.

I think you need to focus on the topic more. Your descriptions are vivid and make way for an interesting narrative, but I feel that's not really the true purpose of your essay.

You have a great writing voice, but you need answer the question with more support. Instead of including details such as:
"the weather was cold, the travel was long"
-the lengthy description in the first paragraph

Perhaps additional research on the opportunities offered by Cornell will help. What specific programs do you know about Cornell? How will they specifically help you reach your goals? Does your interest in engineering stem from an interest in certain subjects? Math? Science? Well you make reference to its application.

No, it's not too corny. Your voice is awesome and you have a good balance between assertiveness and humility. But you do need more content and less details that do not necessarily add to answering the question.

Thanks ALOT! It's nice to here that. Ok so I took your advice and took out descriptions and added more detail as to why I want to go there and my goals. I added alot to the third paragraph!

BTW: Whoever's reading, I need help transitioning my paragraphs, I feel like I jump from one idea to the next. Do I?

Also are there any grammatical errors, or redundancy?

Yes, I think that provides great detail that shows your understanding of Cornell.

Your 1st to 2nd transition is fine as what follows are examples of your ending sentence in the first paragraph.

In your 3rd paragraph, perhaps say something like

In order to reach those goals, I must get an education...

Homecan be a place of tranquility or chaos, but it should be the person's choice, regardless of where the home stands.

Our homes need windows that reflect sound waves to machines that harvest the waves to generate energy, or maybe I could make roads made of tree roots that extend for miles so more trees could be planted and the demand for a "greener" environment could be satisfied.

So I am sure that the environment presented at the College of Engineering is optimal for me.

Good luck!

:)