Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 10

Cornell - The environment blurs into a sight of indistinguishable colors and shapes


tkkt1 11 / 47  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?

The environment blurs into a sight of indistinguishable colors and shapes and I can no longer identify the boundaries of my body where hot and cold sensations run interchangeably throughout; my symptoms are compounded by the unremitting presence of dull throbbing and a wide array of aches. This is not a novel experience, for I am all too familiar with catching the flu. For seventeen years, I have possessed the immune system of an infant. My personal favorite medicine was a handful of Skittles but ibuprofen worked wonders too. As a child, I wondered why one colorful round tablet did not work quite well as the other. My curiosity for seemingly trivial things has been a catalyst for my pursuit of knowledge- not to just regurgitate, but to question, comprehend, and apply.

My years in biology classes have been an epoch of wonder and fascination, but my interest for bioengineering grows from within, for I am an entire microcosm. Only under the lens of a microscope can I examine the white blood cells that rapidly run through the bloodstream during a fever or the pyrogens that rush to induce it. A world lies underneath a thin layer of tissue that I have yet to discover, observe, and study. For me, curiosity drives my quest for knowledge.

Generally knowledge is separated by the limited range of each discipline; however, bioengineering combines engineering principles with the life sciences to create a boundless and innovative field of study. It allows for independent endeavors which will give me the opportunity to capitalize on my natural aptitude for math and science by exploring the full spectrum of living systems. I will be able to delve into the natural world by discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by developing artificial organs, finding a cure for the hiccups or making great advancements in immune system therapy.

As an intellectual, the laboratory will be my playground-a glorious oasis where I can explore, hypothesize and experiment, not to satiate the curiosity of the bed-ridden, sick seven year-old girl, but to keep that little girl's inquisitiveness alive.
meliza8809 6 / 23  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
I love it! It shows sophisticated diction and is very appropriate for Cornell.

However there is one thing I'm king of bothered. Your first sentence is really long, maybe shorten it a bit.

I do like your craft on the first 2 sentences. A really long sentence emphasized by a shorter one. Still, i think the first one needs to be cut a little, maybe eliminating some adjectives?

Overall, it's really good! Great job! :]
luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
The language is very well written, but I do agree with meliza8809 that the first sentence may need to be cut a bit.

I liked where you wrote "finding cure for hiccups" and "As an intellectual, the laboratories will be my playground."
SkittleRose 4 / 15  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
Good job. I especially love your last paragraph comparing the laboratory to an oasis. Good luck!

I will be able to satiate my curiosity for the natural world by discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by developing artificial organs, finding a cure for the hiccups, or making great advancements in immune system therapy.

As an intellectual, the laboratory will be my playground-a glorious oasis where I can explore, hypothesize and experiment not to satiate the curiosity in the bed-ridden, sick seven year-old little girl , but to keep that little girl's inquisitiveness alive.
schmevie 6 / 17  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
Very Very good
defintely shows your curiosity with both maturity and innocence.
Um my prompt was to describe myself to my roommate any other feedback would be greatly appreciated
your a good writer
thanks!
OP tkkt1 11 / 47  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
***I made slight changes to improve the essay. Its only 352 words which seems a bit short to me. The word limit is 500. Should I make my essay longer. If so, what are other things that I can discuss?
m126531 4 / 11  
Dec 27, 2009   #7
maybe you can expand your essay by talking about the issues you have to deal with with your immune system?
spak417 2 / 6  
Dec 27, 2009   #8
I still think that the first sentence is a little long, but the diction is incredible and it still serves as an effective hook for the rest of the essay. I agree with srandhawa that you shouldn't lengthen the essay just to reach the 500 word limit. Adcoms won't want to read any useless fluff. I think that the essay is really engaging and interesting to read.
batmankiller 6 / 40  
Dec 27, 2009   #9
Yes your essay is filled with general statements that really sound good on paper, but give no substance. This site shows best "virginia.edu/undergradadmission/writingtheessay.html" as they group a bad piece of writing as general and superficial and only sounds pretty but emotes no emotion:

From an early age, we accept death as the inevitable, but do not comprehend its actual denotation. Death is the impending future that all people must eventually grasp. In my early teens, my grandfather tragically perished. As a youth who did not identify with such a cataclysm I was saturated with various emotions. Initially, I was grieved by the loss of a loved one and could not understand why this calamity had to befall upon my family. I always considered death to have a devastating effect, but was shocked by the emotional strain it places upon an individual.

While imagery is good, like srandhawa said your last paragraph comes out of nowhere, does not really tie into anything too strongly, if at all, to your previous writing.

Fix the fluff and your essay will be solid.
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 27, 2009   #10
i'm sorry if i can across as harsh, you have some serious skills as a writer, you really do, and i feel like i can relate to you because i also have a tendency to write these empty statements that seem to convey a lot but dont reveal anything, they sound so good on paper, but adcoms hate them because they just sound like your trying to hard to come across as impressive. While i agree w/ spak417 that you shouldnt lengthen it w/o a purpose, i think in your case you would benefit from adding, or at least experimenting w/ it, because when you take out alot of those empty statements your going to find your going to have to write alot to make up for them to come up w/ a true theme and focus, thats why the more i look at it the more its kind of hard for me to tell you what your theme should be, i say revise those empty statements and add to this essay and see how it goes, good luck

could you take a look at my common app essay, i know you saw my northwestern one already thanks alot, i'll def read your revised one if you want me to

btw, make sure you read the revised on at the end of page 1, the one thats like 800 words. thanks alot


Home / Undergraduate / Cornell - The environment blurs into a sight of indistinguishable colors and shapes