Help please! I am not sure if my essays are clearly organized and have the clarity and flow they should. I am also a bit wordy on the first one.. Any comments would be great !
Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
My childhood was spent inside a glass bubble, and while peering at the world beyond, I used rose-tinted spectacles. I grew up believing that everything was perfect and that, just as in fairy-tales, everyone has their happy ending. However, my life quickly took a sharp turn from the regular princess tale, my life has become a balancing act of my Indian heritage and my American surroundings. Both of my parents had emigrated from India, and worked as research scientists at a university which raised the bar at home -- it pushed me to become a high achiever in academics and extra-curricular activities. My parents are my primary source of motivation. No matter what, they always wanted me to put my whole heart into everything I did, and I do exactly that.
Unfortunately, my glass bubble cracked, in sixth grade, my father got a new job on the east coast. The move meant leaving my comfort zone and starting over in New Jersey. My eyes opened for the first time when I found myself in a school filled with more than a thousand students, but more importantly, a great number of these students were in the same balancing dilemma as I was. Getting lost in the shuffle was so easy; I felt vulnerable. No one would stop to help me out in this quest to find one's own identity. The transition forced me to become aware of what I wanted to achieve. In my 'perfect world' I never felt the need to worry about anything, everything came effortlessly; yet, experiencing this fierce competition, evoked a desire to prove myself and create my own unique identity.
In the following years, my father changed occupations once again; he set out with his entrepreneurial spirit to start his own business. By being able to experience what goes on 'behind the scenes' of a business with my father, I felt compelled to build my own business by becoming an Avon/Mark Independent Sales Representative. I was responsible for developing a marketing strategy and selling door-to-door. My love for the business world has only grown with what limited tastes I have had. This sales experience, paired with my first job as a scout for Industry & Model Talent Studios (IMTA), taught me the value of being able to articulate clearly and effectively in short amounts of time. The long hours spent chasing after opportunities in heels and finally turning that 'no' into a 'yes' built up my confidence. I also learned to deal with rejection: learning to read and convince people are extremely time-consuming skills that can only be improved upon with experience. Most importantly, both jobs clearly demonstrated my passion to work hard.
I am intrigued by the effect corporate strategy of business has on the lives of ordinary people. In the future, I hope to see myself in a position where I could financially advise either corporations or the economy for creating positive social change. UC has many programs of interest that can aid in the pursuit of my dreams. With the limited experience I have, this is what I know I love to do; however, studying a wide variety of courses such as urban economy, finance, or management can help strengthen my interest in my dream while exposing me to other areas I have not explored yet. The academic rigor and social opportunities UC can provide me will properly equip me to fulfill my aspirations. [571]
Greetings!
You've written very good essays! I have just a few editing tips for you:
However, my life quickly took a sharp turn from the regular princess tale. My life has become a balancing act of my Indian heritage and my American surroundings.
Unfortunately, my glass bubble cracked: in sixth grade, my father got a new job on the east coast.
learning to read and convince people are extremely time-consuming skills - I found this confusing the first couple of times I read it, until I realized what you meant. It might be better to say "learning to read people and persuading them to my point of view..."
Very good writing!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
