Prompt:
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Can I have some feed back. This is a very rough draft. Thank you in advance.
essay:
Education has always played a pivotal role in American society. There are countless educational programs offered to those that do not quite understand the concepts and programs for those that are excelling. Parents push kids to go to school primarily because children below the age of 18 are required to go. Nevertheless, there are parents that want their kids to go to school to better themselves and become well-rounded citizens. The current system succeeds in some of its goals but drastically fail in others. There need to be a balance of allowing students to get ready for life and for college. Currently there isn't, it focused on getting students ready for college and almost forgetting about the students who are will not be going for whatever reason it might be. The current system needs to be reformed, it cannot continue on its current course.
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This is supposed to be a common app essay response so we do not need the works cited page. That said, you should do more than just post quotes from other people that you can use to meet the word count. My opinion, is that you should open the essay immediately with the effects and aftermath of the "No Child Left Behind" policy and how it has not helped advance the U.S. educational system. While you present an in-depth discussion and analysis of the problem, the solutions that you present are not as purposeful and well developed. It is important that you balance the two in your essay presentation in order to better highlight the importance of the change in the educational system for your and future generations. The hook that you used as an introduction is not really that interesting or enticing to the reader. Perhaps you could open with an anecdote about a child who failed a standardized testing but is highly intelligent in real world applications and the like. The point will be to pain the "No Child Left Behind" act as a failure of the educational system to actually educate the students from the very start of the essay. You need a compelling reason to keep the reader interested in this topic which is more often considered technical in nature by the educators and it little understood by the laymen.
I appreciate the comments.
Does it matter if the anecdote is made up? Almost all of the people i know pass the tests without a problem.
It does not matter if the anecdote is made up. Believe me, if you do a Google search, you will come across stories of the students who did not pass the test. Their story can serve as the inspiration for your anecdote. It might even inspire you to create a new introduction for your essay. What matters is that you present a story that will serve to support your claim about the current shortcoming and failure of the American educational system. You can either use an anecdote, factual information (using statistics), or a personal experience of yours that made you consider the "No Child Left Behind" act a failure and a disservice to the students of the United States. I know that you may not know anybody who has failed the test yet so you will need to get creative in that respect. A little research and creative writing is necessitated in order to strengthen your argument in the essay.
Thank you. I appreciate your help. I will keep it in mind.
I feel that you should add a more personal touch on the essay instead of presenting as an argument. State your feelings and how this may affect you. Maybe even add a small anecdote that made you think this way.
here is a revision of the opening paragraph and the fourth paragraph (states what needs to be changed):
Many Americans have deemed No Child Left Behind Act (NCLB) as a failure. The act has cost American taxpayers billions of dollars since its initiation in 2001. From a 2012 poll by Gallup, 29% of adults say that NCLB has harmed the educational system while only 16% say it has improved the educational system. There is also a 38% that say that it has had no affect. It is thought that after being in effect for at least a decade the act would have made some changes, however most students believe that is has only harmed the standardized testing is harming the overall education of students and reducing the effectiveness of the educators by restricting what is being taught.
The current education system in the United States is simply failing. Why is it required for children to go to school until they are at least 18, unless we are able to graduate sooner? It is said for children to have a basic set of knowledge, but as I see it not everyone must know what is taught in high school. Why must everyone know they Pythagorean theorem, yet we are not taught how to balance a checkbook or file taxes. Granted some of those things need to be taught by the parents but there need to s some sort of standard that by the time someone graduates high school they must know what and how to do certain task. The answer is not to rely on standardized testing.
Standardized testing is possibly the biggest failure in the current education system. Prior to the implementation of 2002's No Child Left Behind Act, requiring mandatory annual testing in all fifty states, the U.S ranked 18th in the world in math (2000 ranking). After the bill went into affect, the U.S. dropped to 31st place in 2009, with a similar drop in science ("Standardized testing"). There are many situations that could cause this but increasingly more people blamed standardized testing, because it "[causes] a lot of stress in both educators and students as well" as it "causes many teachers to 'teach to the test'" ("Pros and Cons of Standardized Testing" 2). Both of which hinder the overall education of students. They are not taught how to learn, we are taught a test, so the school will look better and get more money form the federal government. Einstein stated, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." To some people the education system holds them back from reaching their full potential. Through-out all of high school the homework and class work are a reiterations of previous topics with maybe some in-depth discussions or concepts. All of which are at a superficial level of understanding. There is very little true learning in high school; it can all be considered memorization and reiteration of the same material on a test. Very rarely are you tasked to apply any concepts to a complex problem, which will require any analytical thinking or a change of perspective to solve the problem. However, from my own experience, most of the Advance Placement programs have some analytical problem solving or a required depth of thinking.
There is no doubt that the education system needs to be changed in one-way or another. But how do you fix a system so diverse and one so massive? I would have to done by the districts; the local education systems would be given more power to decide how the local students are being taught. The NCLB should be abolished or highly reformed, taking away the mandatory annual test of students. Also to move away from the scores on a standardized tests as the means receiving funding from the federal government; funding all the schools the same amount with proportion to the population of the school no matter the location. It would give a better chance of success to the students and to the school in poorer areas in the United States. For a second change, the foundation of a child's education should start earlier with a rigorous kindergarten or pre-k, because it has been proven that it is easier to learn at a younger age. I would give children a sound understanding of the basics; therefore, allowing them to understand the complex concepts at a younger age. By having a rigorous kindergarten there would be a need for an allowance of students that aren't ready for that kind of school. In the end it would have to be personalized to the needs and the learning capabilities of the individual student.
The United States education system need to be reformed, taking a look at the root of the need for education and not allow the school to be clouded by politics. The education system should be allowed to have the freedom to teach how they wish and, to an extend, what they want. At the end of the day the students that go through these schools systems will be leading and running this country. I believe those people should have the best education we can offer them; it should start when they are young, not just when they go to college. I see a bright future for the children of this country; we just need to set the foundation for then to get there.