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Critique Stanford Writing Supplements-Intellectual Vitality,Future Roomate,& What Matters

XtalClear 1 / 1  
Dec 31, 2013   #1
Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (250 word limit)

I will never forget the day when my brother introduced me to the world of computers. I always loved using our home computer, but it was mainly for playing online games. However, one day my brother put me aside to show me that there was more to computers than online games and the internet. He showed me that computers can be programmed to do certain things through the creation of a series of codes. This sparked my interest and thirst for knowledge in computers, math, physics, and other subjects.

From that day on, I saw math and physics through a different perspective. I learned that math is crucial to our daily life and that it's more than adding and subtracting. In reality, a lot of logic is used behind math and it takes times to comprehend it. Whenever I enter a math class, I am thrilled to gain knowledge from a task given to me rather than simply solving a problem. After my conversation with my brother, the concepts in math became more important and beneficial to me. Physics also became equally important and interesting. It is the reason why I am able to understand the structure of electronics and how they work. The day I learned about computing triggered my love for knowledge and is the reason why I am currently pursuing a career as a computer scientist.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better. (250 word limit)

Dear roommate,
I would normally start my conversations with "Hola! Es un placer conocerte," but people may have a difficulty understanding me. Bear with me because I am accustomed to my Mexican heritage where I tend to eat my mom's cooking and bugs. I know what you're thinking, but don't get the wrong idea. The fact that people come from different cultures and enjoy a variety of things is the reason why I love meeting new people. It gives me the opportunity to learn and try new things that are unusual to me. I would love to tell you more about my culture when we meet face to face, and I would like to know about yours.

Since we're on the topic of learning, then I should mention my determination to succeed in school. I try my best on every single subject because it benefits me in the long run. So expect seeing me up late, or should I say morning, either studying for an upcoming exam or finishing up an assignment. If you ever find yourself stressed or in the need of help, don't be afraid to ask for my assistance. I would gladly show you a "How To" video on YouTube. If that isn't much help on an assignment that you're working on, then I would personally help you because after helping others, I feel like I've made a positive impact on their life. I am eager to meet you and I hope you feel the same.

With Love

What matters to you, and why? (250 word limit.)

Family is important to me because of their unconditional love and support. At such a young age, my family members emphasized the importance of education. Whenever I struggled on a school subject or felt like giving up, my family was always there. There would be times when my parents would stay up at night because they don't want to leave me alone while I am working on an assignment. The fact that they would sleep late for me and support me in any way possible encourages me to keep on studying. They always believe in me and my ability to succeed. With my family's support, I have advanced in school and have removed the idea of giving up from my mind. If they didn't care about my future, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. The fact that I matter to them gives me the ability to continue with my education. I work hard in school and sometimes put myself through stress because I want to give myself and my family a better future.

Please give me feedback. Critique is really appreciated.
boston1002 2 / 19 3  
Dec 31, 2013   #2
You tend to use I A LOT. I think you can reword sentences with more variety.
Your note to your roommate sounds too formal. Make it more funny/quirky. Not a lot of people talk really formally to somebody they've never met. Make yourself more enthusiastic and make them feel as if they can't wait to be your roommate. Talk about all the amazing experiences you'll have together in Stanford and specifically mention one thing you should do together with your roommate.

Add a family motto to your last prompt. Something your family lives by which drives you to be who you are.
OP XtalClear 1 / 1  
Dec 31, 2013   #3
Thanks for the feedback. It helped a lot.

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