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"I had a crush on Jennifer" - Essay Prompt


r3kyum 1 / -  
Dec 12, 2009   #1
Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.

I had a crush. Her name was Jennifer and in my opinion, she was very beautiful and I was quite nervous to approach her. Like most people, my first instinct was to rely on my friends to "hook me up". However the outcome of my reliance on friends was devastating. When she asked me of my appearance and personality, my "friends" told her I was short, fat, and could never be taken seriously. This event greatly affected the confidence I had in myself. I think it is agreeable that many boys my age would want to seem manly. However, being described to others as weak and quite approachable made me very insecure and opposite of the manly image I sought. I wanted to change.

My first approach to change was losing weight. I started hitting up the gym, running every day, and changing my diet. Before the new quarter of running start courses started, I lost twenty pounds. I still felt that I had a long ways to go before I would be confident with myself. However, one change that I could not make was the way I socialized with others. I couldn't help but continue to joke and be sarcastic. I was still afraid to talk to strangers and often felt embarrassed to express my opinions openly. The change I wanted to make would require me to act tough and serious in front of others. In other words the changed I wanted to make would cause me to be "fake". That was not a change I wanted to make.

After much effort, I was finally able to date the girl that I thought I had no chance with. She showed me that it was okay to be myself and I was happy to find that she appreciated my personality and character more than I did. She helped me realize that forcefully changing myself, was not the answer to my confidence and happiness. She disregarded what my friends had to say about me and respected me for who I was. She also taught me what it meant to truly care about someone and to not be selfish by thinking about just myself.

Others may not get much out of a relationship than having fun and going on dates. But I feel relationships are indeed beneficial to maturing and understanding yourself. Dating her boosted my confidence and helped me appreciate myself. It was a nice feeling to have friends compliment me for being able to date her and apologizing for saying rude things about me. I also find myself being less afraid to confront others for the first time. Before I dated my crush I would always be embarrassed to talk to strangers, but now I'm the one who sticks my hand out to shake other peoples' hands.

Dating Jennifer, I learned a valuable lesson. Being happy with yourself does not come in a result of forcefully changing yourself and how others view you. Truly changing how you view yourself and how others view you in the manner you'll appreciate, comes in result of being happy with who you are. I'm a much happier person now than I was before I dated Jennifer. Better yet, I'm still dating her.

Roy Kim
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
Hi, Roy!

I will be happy to help with your essay! This is a very rough draft, though, so I have a request first :).

Read your writing out loud, to yourself or someone else, sentence by sentence, and fix the parts that don't make sense or that don't flow well. Then re-post this (as a close-to-final draft hopefully...) and we can start. Here is one small part that needs fixing:

"Before the new quarter of running start courses started," See?

See ya tomorrow!

Blue skies!

Jeannie
IntlIndian /  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
This sounds fine but you might want to change the beginning..
I think it is agreeable that many boys my age would want to seem manly. - this sentence somehow doesn't seem right where it is.. but that's just what I think.

started hitting up the gym, running every day, and changing my diet. (either hitting the gym or going to the gym.. also it should be and CHANGED my diet.. unless it was a continual change)

n other words the changed I wanted to make would cause me to be "fake". That was not a change I wanted to make . You have repeated this phrase thrice in 2 lines- seems a bit generic.. change it up a bit..

Others may not get much out of a relationship OTHER than having fun and going on dates
Katsch 4 / 63  
Dec 13, 2009   #4
I'm not sure, but you might want to avoid topics about dating/relationships? My English teacher said it might seem a bit insignificant, that admissions officers wouldn't be as interested by teenage romance.

For your third paragraph, is there any way you could be more specific about this girl? How did she show you "it was okay to be yourself," especially if you only asked her out after you lost weight? It seems a little contradictory.

After you started dating, did you just gain confidence from dating a pretty girl? I don't quite understand.
Twinkle 6 / 17  
Dec 13, 2009   #5
I think you should add explain you got this thing because which of your good characteristics. Not only you got good things from her. This's only my ideas, add them in your essay if you like:)
fizzle138 2 / 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #6
I would agree, i think it would be smart to avoid topics about relationships as it seems insignificant.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 14, 2009   #7
Great advise, y'all!

That was not a change I wanted to make. You have repeated this phrase thrice in 2 lines- seems a bit generic.. change it up a bit.

After you started dating, did you just gain confidence from dating a pretty girl? I don't quite understand.

I agree. I got the sense that your entire relationship (not to disrespect your relationship) was initially based on superficiality and it didn't really grow much in the telling... If you are determined to use this topic, it would behoove you to show growth in the process.

Blue skies!
l3goals12 7 / 18  
Dec 14, 2009   #8
I think you should elaborate/show more on how dating her changed how superficially you viewed your relationship.

Also I don't agree with the above posts on one point. It's an original essay and if you can demonstrate enough maturity dealing with the subject, it'll definitely make you stand out.


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