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Cultural Understanding, Academic Elements and History - UnUW international transfer Writing Section


hawoortie 1 / -  
Jan 18, 2015   #1
Hi ppl I just finish my personal statement for UW and need ur help to evaluate it.

Academic Elements (required)

Academic History

Cultural Understanding

Describe your involvement in research, artistic endeavors, and work (paid or volunteer), as they have contributed to your academic, career or personal goals.

ESSAY

As any child in this world, I went to school just because my parent told me so. All I knew that getting good grade is the only way that people can have successful life so I studied hard like a robot, my parents were proud of me. Nevertheless, I never thought about what I am going to be in the future. I lived all my life under my parent's wings and I never had the idea of leaving them until last year in high school. It was just a little idea that become bigger and bigger every day. I work my best to make this dream a reality.

In 2012, I graduated from high school but I did not have any luck for admission to the scholarship because I got 78 out of 100 in SAAT standardized test (Qiyas) and I need to earn 80 to get accepted to the scholarship program. Therefore, I decided to apply at King Faisal University in my city and re-take the test again next year. I took advantage of studying in college to improve my English language. I learned English pretty fast, we taught by native speakers which make difficult for us at the beginning but we get used to it. In the next year, I retake the test and got 82. I got accepted in the scholarship program but my family was conservative and did not accept the idea of studying a girl alone abroad and at this time my dream was murdered and I thought it would not be never a reality.

I accepted my reality and I studied computer science - which my father choose to me as a major - I did not like it at first but I began to accept it at the end. I was miserable and hopeless in my pervious college. Most teachers were horrible and mean, they made me hate this major even more. But I never give up, I worked my best and studied harder. Even though I hated KFU, I'm pretty proud of my experiment and it has a significant change on my personality.

Living my whole life in conservative society has influenced me a lot and made me more assiduous about my education because it the only way that can make me valuable person in this world. My parents are always encourage us to learn and work hard but above off all that they still think that woman place is in her husband's house and her family. I believe that marriage, creating a family is important but education, and career is important too. I want to work my best to prove them wrong. Education and knowledge are the most important things for me.

When I start to give up on my dream of studying abroad, my sister graduated from college with BA degree and she planned to complete her education and pursue a master degree abroad. Therefore, we both convince my dad and he eventually agreed. I still cannot believe it, but as they said " unexpected always happens". We applied to King Abdullah scholarship program. I was irresolute at first because I'm in the half way of earning my BS degree in computer science. But when I get accepted to the scholarship program I quit college immediately without any peace of doubt. Studying abroad was and always be my biggest dream and goal.

I started to look up and searched about every city, universities and majors is USA. Deciding which major to choose was difficult because I wasn't sure about my interest. I contact with a counselor online and we both decide that "Laboratory Medicine" is the right major for me. I choose it because I always enjoyed and interest in sciences subjects and lab classes. Also because I am a problem-solvers and like to challenge. When I finish my education, I want to work on hospitals or research labs.

I read a lot about USA universities and finally I choose to apply to University of Washington. I read so much about it, I really loved it, and I will be proud if I give the chance to study in such great university like UW. UW had everything I needed to learn what I wanted and more. It's the perfect place for a self-motivated person to go the distance.
kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 19, 2015   #2
Hello Ms. Harwa. First, well done! You applied all the details you needed to put but sadly, in my opinion, this is not enough. This essay was very honest and pure, you described your family's condition, how people effected you in your journey to life, and how you decided to choose with your own power. It was pleasant reading this essay.

However, this essay is very elementary. I did notice how you applied some advanced vocabulary in your essay, but as a whole, it doesn't sound impressive or powerful. To write in a professional and advanced style isn't a skill that you can learn in a week, it takes practice, experience, and mistakes to learn. I suggest you begin reading other people's university essays so that you may learn how to write professionally. Books such as the Princeton Review Essay Collection(I think this is the title... I'm not too sure myself) have a lot of real college essays applicants applied. Take a look and practice in an advanced style yourself. I'm sure your honest essay will be persuasive and deep. Good luck!


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