Culture Club - an enhancement for the community (Rice University Supplement Question)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)

Rice University Supplement Question

Any form of feedback and or suggestions are welcomed . Thank You!

To me, Culture Club is an opportunity to give back to my community, family, and myself, through various performances. From H.O.P.E(Helping Other People Eat), Rotary (serving the elderly), Special Olympics, and cultural festivals to Anti-Cancer Community runs, Community clean-ups, and tutoring students in the core subjects, Culture Club, provides the ultimate opportunity for students to work with diverse individuals. Instantly after each informative and rally speech, I realized that I possessed an influential voice; a voice that gathered and motivated students to perform in communal events. As public relations officer, I primarily assembled my club members into a variety of teams after breaking the chains of shame and lameness attached with helping disadvantaged individuals and picking up litter in front of other teenagers. I plan on bringing this intrinsic motivation and divergent voice to Rice where I am sure that I could enhance the University's culture and its surrounding community.

Small grammar tweaks - add a space after H.O.P.E. in the second sentence

There should be no comma after Culture Club in the third line

Check to see if you used your semicolon in the third sentence correctly! A semicolon should be used between 2 full sentences, and the first part seems like a full sentence, whereas the second part does not. Maybe just use a comma instead.

"lameness" in the second to last line seems like a strange word choice. Consider revising or using a different word?

A comma may be needed after Rice in the last sentence.

Parts of it do leave me somewhat curious (the mention of your speeches make me want to know more about you as a leader and speaker), but you did a great job of summarizing your activity in the very short frame of words that they gave you!