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"I'm curious and friendly - My personality" - College short answer


Makc 1 / 4  
Oct 26, 2010   #1
English became my second language just year ago, so, can somebody check my essay and make some corrections or give a advises please?

There are three short question-answer type essays about my personality.

I really appreciate your help. Thank you! =)

Prompt:
We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer)

Answer:
If to talk about my favorite non-sports activities, since a secondary school I became interested in computer programming. This is so exciting! Firstly, it's just unusual - the computer language itself and that the computer does everything what you want. Secondly, I love to solve all sorts of puzzles and math problems, so I enjoy the very process of creating algorithms for the solving problems and improving them.

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Prompt:
Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at our university appeals to you and why? (100 words or fewer)

Answer:
I really like physics, mathematics and computer science. Even at a school in Russia I studied in the physics-mathematic class. And I do not want to stop on the school's knowledge, that's why my program must be based on these subjects. And if take into account that in the future I want to work as a software developer or something related to computers, then my choice is between: "6 - Electrical Engineering and Computer Science" and "18 - Mathematics with Computer Science".

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Prompt:
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

Answer:
Actually, I'm not so proud of any of mine attributes of personality because all they together it's simply me, but I can mark out some of them.

Since the day I was born and even till now I'm very curious. Maybe I just didn't grow up since that day? I love to learn how things around me working, how to solve puzzles, brain-twisters and others tricky logical, algebraic problems. I really enjoy them. I can easily spend a lot of time in analyzing problems, creating a image in my head, trying to think unusual (finding a other, better way of solving) and finding solutions. That's why I so love mathematic and science.

Because of my curiosity (or just good memory) I absorb everything like a sponge. Of course it works only if I pay attention to something. I had a lot of situations when it helped me very much. For example, There was a situation when mathematic teacher gave to us new topic and I have remembered double-angle formulas just by looking on them and analyzing, trying to find similarity in formulas. On the next day no one expected that teacher is going to give us formula-test in which I did great.

I want to mark out one more of mine personality attribute that is important to me. I'm very friendly. I like to help my friends with anything that I can help in and they do so to me.

p.s.: sorry that I included all the short essays in one thread but I'm really can't give advise to someone's essay because I don't know language well...
getitlow 7 / 17  
Oct 26, 2010   #2
Hello ! I skimmed through your essays and here are several points I want to make so that you can improve the writing yourself:
1. You need to practice how to write correctly first. Pay extra attention to your grammar .Like I notice in your post, the use of "a","an","the" is not yet proper (just for example) and a lot of sentences are fragmented. You need to fix all of those.

2. Your use of words doesn't make the essay flow well. A lot of sentences seem awkward and are clumsily written.
3. Based on the essay prompts, I guess these questions may be for admission purpose. Then you should limit the use of words like "really","actually", etc

4. Word of wisdom: practice writing correctly first before writing well ! Because it's impossible to edit everything you posted, I just can give general advices so you can see them for yourself. Hope this helps!
OP Makc 1 / 4  
Oct 27, 2010   #3
Thank you. Anybody else?
OP Makc 1 / 4  
Oct 27, 2010   #4
Fine, will ask my English teacher tomorrow >_< I hope, she will not kill me for this English-mess)))
perplexity215 3 / 17  
Oct 29, 2010   #5
I will be blunt. Please don't be offended.

You will need to work a lot on these. I can see these are MIT essays because I am also applying. MIT is extremely hard to get into so your essays will need to be top-notch.

Although colleges don't want formal essays, yours might be a little too informal. Don't write an essay like you are talking to friends. What I am talking about is don't use words and phrases such as "This is so exciting!", "really like," and "actually."

You really need to work on your grammar and making sentences flow smoothly. This forum has examples of excellent essays, so read around and take notice of how other people write.

You need to be more personal with your essays. Give specific details. Explain more why you like this or feel this way. And answer the prompt. For the 2nd prompt, include specific detail of what you like about MIT's program. For the 3rd prompt, it would be much stronger to just talk about one quality instead of two.

Besides working on your grammar and writing skills, work on your content and make it personal.

Good luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 1, 2010   #6
p.s.: sorry that I included all the short essays in one thread but I'm really can't give advise to someone's essay because I don't know language well...

You can help people. This is like a study group for people trying to improve their English, whether they are native speakers or not. You don't have to make corrections; all you have to do is tell people about the impression the essay made on you.

You can help in ways I cannot help, because I am not bilingual. Being bilingual gives you extra insight into the way to help an essayist. It is not a weakness; it is a strength!

If to talk about my favorite Don't mention sports activities, because that is not what the essay is about. Let every sentence give the reader a new experience, and let the experiences be all about your main idea.

Do this:
Since, ----> I have been...
Since a secondary school, I have been interested in computer programming.

This is so exciting! -----Very good writing. It is good to transmit an emotion like this.

Here,you put 2 sentences together and it is a run on sentence:
And I do not want to stop on the school's knowledge. Th at's why my program must be based

Actually, I'm not so proud of any of mine my personality attributes because all they together it's simply me, but I can mark out some of them.

Don't use "mine" this way:
I want to mark out one more of mine personality attribute...

And instead of mark out you can use the word explain:
I want to explain one more of my personality attributes that is important to me.

:-)


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