I really need help on evaluating my essay. Could you please help me with the grammar, rhetorical skills, effectiveness, if it fulfills the topic, and the ways to improve this essay. Thank You. My topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
"Daddy...Daddy!" I entered into the house with a gleeful smile with my little brother. The house smelt like peaches and oranges with a tint of apples; the lively white walled living room had an odd dark appearance for the first time. I worriedly proclaimed for my father for a second time, while my young brother was beside me pertaining an almost sad and anxious demeanor. I immediately sensed that something had totally gone wrong. We quickly entered the kitchen where we usually encounter him, and there, on the dining table, lay my father beside a pool of dark red blood.
Twenty minutes later, we were met with the loud secure sirens of the Sweetwater ambulance accompanied by my mother. We all raced to the hospital, and he was immediately seen by an emergency physician. My blood and energy ran dry and my brother's eyes swelled up with tears when Dr. Kannabar greeted us with an impending glare and told us the results. With great concern, he summarized that my dad didn't have any external injuries; however, he is suffering from a vile malady known as cancer.
For two years, he suffered under the surgeon's knife and the dual affecting characteristics of chemotherapy. Praying was my only hope and maintaining an upper hand against the atrocious disease was my father's. His shriveled face, his skeleton-like body, and his still-sharp mind and will were the only remnants set by fate on the worn out hospital bed of Sweetwater. Before we left not knowing what was later to unfold, I managed to give my father a loving final hug. On the next day, Friday, January 13, 2003, we received an urgent call that my father had passed away. I stared at the once bright and lively white walls of the living room and noticed the once evident dark gleam that immediately captured my mourning glare. My mind raced with thoughts of ways I could have prevented this situation, but I understood that life isn't always fare. I held my baby brother's soft hand during the funeral and told him that life and fate are variables that will always be twisted and is totally unpreventable.
In the end, the death of my cherished father was an experience that had a significant impact on me. Although this moment in my life was dreadful, I kept the lessons learned and used them to further my life's work to be successful. Now at age 17, I am still under fate's grip, but I know that my experience and the lessons learned will aid me and maybe others in the long run.
"Daddy...Daddy!" I entered into the house with a gleeful smile with my little brother. The house smelt like peaches and oranges with a tint of apples; the lively white walled living room had an odd dark appearance for the first time. I worriedly proclaimed for my father for a second time, while my young brother was beside me pertaining an almost sad and anxious demeanor. I immediately sensed that something had totally gone wrong. We quickly entered the kitchen where we usually encounter him, and there, on the dining table, lay my father beside a pool of dark red blood.
Twenty minutes later, we were met with the loud secure sirens of the Sweetwater ambulance accompanied by my mother. We all raced to the hospital, and he was immediately seen by an emergency physician. My blood and energy ran dry and my brother's eyes swelled up with tears when Dr. Kannabar greeted us with an impending glare and told us the results. With great concern, he summarized that my dad didn't have any external injuries; however, he is suffering from a vile malady known as cancer.
For two years, he suffered under the surgeon's knife and the dual affecting characteristics of chemotherapy. Praying was my only hope and maintaining an upper hand against the atrocious disease was my father's. His shriveled face, his skeleton-like body, and his still-sharp mind and will were the only remnants set by fate on the worn out hospital bed of Sweetwater. Before we left not knowing what was later to unfold, I managed to give my father a loving final hug. On the next day, Friday, January 13, 2003, we received an urgent call that my father had passed away. I stared at the once bright and lively white walls of the living room and noticed the once evident dark gleam that immediately captured my mourning glare. My mind raced with thoughts of ways I could have prevented this situation, but I understood that life isn't always fare. I held my baby brother's soft hand during the funeral and told him that life and fate are variables that will always be twisted and is totally unpreventable.
In the end, the death of my cherished father was an experience that had a significant impact on me. Although this moment in my life was dreadful, I kept the lessons learned and used them to further my life's work to be successful. Now at age 17, I am still under fate's grip, but I know that my experience and the lessons learned will aid me and maybe others in the long run.