Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
I remember when I was first exposed to dance hall music. My family and I were venturing to a destination I can no longer recall; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the tape deck. As the sound blared from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my five year old figure, I became enchanted by the foreign sound. I was so compelled by the crispy yet exotic rhythm that I stopped writing my name in fog trails on the window and started mimicking the bass line. My small hands pounded on the door handle as my head flew back and forth ferociously, bobbing to the beat. This would be the beginning of what is now an avid love for dance hall music.
I remember when I was first exposed to dance hall music. My family and I were venturing to a destination I can no longer recall ; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the tape deck.
Omit that part since it is unnecessary, or reword it in a way that lets the reader know that it was when you were 5.
As the sound blared from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my five year old figure, I became enchanted by the foreign sound.
Substitute it with another word since you will mention that in the previous sentence.
All in all, I thought that you did a good job in providing details because I was able to understand your personal anecdote.
Sounds great! Good luck!
This is a neat little piece of writing. The wording comes off a bit overly romanticized, but that experience was magical to you so I suppose it is understandable. Must've been some SuperCat or Shaggy playing. Nonetheless, in any case, the prompt asked for you to "briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences" and that explanation/description is not present here.
So with that in mind, what feedback are you looking for?
Is there more to this?
Was this the introductary paragraph to you talking about your dancing career or whichever may be the case?
...Because with this writing you have failed to accurately and effectively write for the expecting audience, those which asked of you to "briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences".
Take care, good luck.
The activity that I wrote about was one of my hobbies from the activity log where I study hip hop/ dancehall lyrics, music, culture, and etc. In this essay I was depicting how it all started.
Okay that's a little better to know. With that in mind, as a reader I'm not getting a sense of really anything in depth here. So let me try to understand this even better. Correct me if I am erroneous. Your targeted extracurricular activity is "studying dancehall music/culture/etc". This writing focuses on how your love for dancehall music/culture/etc came from humble beginnings?
If that may be so then the connection I, as an objective reader, fail to see is the action of the process, okay, this is how I my passion for dancehall music began (beginning) and now I study dancehall music/culture/etc (end), but where is the plot??
How did you start studying the music/culture/etc? What is it like to be in your shoes (a person so passionate about dancehall music/culture/etc)? How was it getting to the point where you are now for your passion? Difficult? Easy?
Though your essay's capacity may be limited to a meager amount of words or characters, it is more alluring to tell of the journey rather than the plain beginning especially when this is your once chance to convey your love for dancehall music/culture/etc effectively.
However if you are inclined to sticking with the beginningstill then here's a possible five sentence alternative that can say the same thing above did without trying to make it appear as overzealous (your dad played music-- you liked it, you danced to it, and tada you've been in love with it since)
I've been totally enamored with Dancehall since my ealier years. My love for dancehall music/culture/etc has bloomed from the very moment my dear old father popped in [Insert Dancehall tape title or Artist or somehting of the sorts Here] in the tape deck of the car as my family and I were out traveling. Never before had my ears been so delighted. My body naturally jumped to the mystical rythmn of the beat and before I knew it I was off into a world of utter bliss. I knew from that moment on that, as Will.I.Am would say, "This is love, this is love, this is love!"
This is just my 2 cents, but feel free to do whatever you'd like.
Best of luck, take care
Ok, what about this, I just realized I had more space.
My infatuation for sound began at a young age. My family and I were venturing to a destination when I was five years old; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the tape deck. As the sound blared from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my young figure, I was enchanted by the foreign sound. I was so compelled by the crispy yet exotic rhythm that I stopped writing my name in fog on the window and started mimicking the bass line. My small hands pounded on the door handle as my head flew back and forth ferociously, bobbing to the beat. My feet were taping away making their own rhythm while still complimenting the initial beat. I was nearly deafened as the Caribbean sounds took over the silence of the vehicle. But I loved it. It was at this time that I would recognize my passion for music.
Nicely done.. But I wonder, you have simply shown how you came to love music. perhaps you need to elaborate more on what you did with it. Maybe even an accomplishment. But what you have written so far is very very nice. Well done and good luck! :)
I really like the improvement! But there's still a little work to be done. Your voice changes from active to passive and back, which is a bit unsettling. By rearranging words, let's see how this works:
Green=Good/Great Red=Not so Good/Great
"My infatuation for sound began at a young age.My family and I were venturing to a destination when I was five years old; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the tape deck.As the sound blared from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my young figure, I was enchanted by the foreign sound.I was so compelled by the crispy yet exotic rhythm that I stopped writing my name in fog on the window and started mimicking the bass line.My small hands pounded on the door handle as my head flew back and forth ferociously, bobbing to the beat.My feet were taping away making their own rhythm while still complimenting the initial beat . I was nearly deafened as the Caribbean sounds took over the silence of the vehicle.But I loved it.It was at this time that I would recognize my passion for music.
RED 1A: You are the subject! So you should be at the beginning of the sentence here, not your family. Consider: "I was 5 yrs old and my family and I were venturing out and about.
RED 1B: This ; is perfectly fine , but try to keep a non-significant sentence to 20 syllables. I'm sure the latter can stand alone as its own sentence. And don't forget to specify the tape to make the connection b/w dancehall music and not just any music. Consider: "Tired of listening to the radio while driving, my father put in a (dancehall/reggae/etc) tape into the tape deck and the suddenly... Boom! Bop! Boom!"
RED 2 & 3: The emphasis here is that Good music is playing so opening by calling it "the sound [that] blared" diminishes the intial reaction of joy you got from hearing it. Also, young figure is little body with an extra character, its up to you keep it or not. Consider: "A heavy bass, strong enough to vibrate my little body, swiftly and alarmingly blared from the speakers. [INSERT "I was nearly deafened as the Caribbean sounds took over the silence of the vehicle."] And yet, I was enchanted by this music."
RED 4&5: This sentence is cool, but ferociously is not the modifier of joy, it is far too aggressive here. And let's try to combine the bodily motions into a sentence full of great description Consider: "Before I knew it, my body began to have a mind of its own; my head twirled and bobbed, hands pattered on the door handle, and my feet tap danced a unique rhythm complimentary to the beat of the music.[INSERT "But I loved [every bit of] it[!]"] [INSERT "It was at this time I had recognized my passion for music [had begun to sprout]." Saying you would have recognized such a passion instantaneously from that moment at that age seems a bit far fetched. You're better off just acknowledging the moment for what it was, a beautiful beginning aka a flower beginning to sprout.
Feel free to do whatever you want. Best of luck to you. Oh and go look at my writing and give me some criticism, it'd be greatly appreciated. See the link below "Courage...scholarship 2013"
Ok, how about this.
I have a passion for music and it began at a young age. When I was five years old travelling with my family; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the cassette deck. As the sound boomed from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my young frame, I became enchanted by the foreign sound. I was so compelled by the crispy yet exotic rhythm that I stopped writing my name in fog on the window and started mimicking the bass line. My small hands pounded on the door handle as my head flew back and forth ferociously, bobbing to the beat; my feet tapping away. I was nearly deafened as the Caribbean sounds took over the silence of the vehicle. But, I loved it. This premature desire for music would then develop into an obsession. At that same age I started singing. At the age of eight, I started playing the flute; by the age of twelve I was self-teaching myself piano. Today, I spend most of my days studying Hip hop and Dancehall/Reggae music, lyrics, and culture.
It does the job. Long as you're satisfied, then good work. Cheers