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'8 hrs of hiking / Chicago City Hall' - transfer essay


borto12 1 / 2  
Oct 21, 2012   #1
Please provide a statement (appr. 250-500 words) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Words: 576

After 8 hours of hiking, we made it to the snowy summit of the 9000-foot mountain. It was the summer of 2010, and I was on my high school senior trip in Montana. Two days before leaving to Miami, our guide, Mike, walked into the cafeteria during lunch in order to recruit a small group of seniors to hike up the nearby mountain. My hand quickly went up because it would be both a challenge and an experience that I could not have had in Florida's flat terrain.

By 7 a.m., we were facing the base of the mountain, going over last minute checks. The hike itself was leisurely paced, and filled with exciting moments, which included several river crossings and seeing fresh bear and wolf tracks. As we got closer to the summit, the 70-degree weather and green surroundings at the base turned into 20-degree weather and knee high snow. Mike's watch showed we only had 70 vertical feet left until the 9000-foot summit. With the peak in sight, four hikers from our eight-member team decided that seeing the crest was enough. The remaining four decided to go for our goal of reaching the head of the mountain. We reached the peak, and subsequently collapsed from the combination of thin air and exhaustion from racing in knee-deep snow to the top.

We spent thirty quiet minutes sitting on the snowy summit. Once the adrenaline wore off, I thought about my high school experiences thus far and what was to come. I had just graduated high school as an average student with no real motivation other than my fascination with cars. I sat at the top of that mountain looking down at what we had climbed, and I felt infinite. It was the culmination of my high school experience, but I felt like there was not much to look forward to.

A month later at my freshman orientation I met students who, through college, found meaning in their lives and transferred to some of the top schools in the United States. I grabbed onto the opportunities that were presented. In the first two weeks of college, I quickly joined student government and began volunteering at the oldest lighthouse in Miami while still striving to do well in my classes. With backing from the faculty and through friendly competition, I came to love learning. Also, apathy towards my future quickly turned into excitement once I realized that my passion for cars could be actualized in a career. I knew then that this college would help guide me in the direction I would eventually choose.

Two years later, I am looking down from the summit of my college experience and I feel the same sense of infiniteness. So far, I have been a leader in two club organizations, volunteered over 90 hours of community service, and have worked for a former White House Chief of Staff. I was fortunate enough to do these things because I sought chances to progress myself not only as a student, but also as a person. I am applying to transfer in order to start my next "hike," using the experience from my last, towards my goal of graduating from a top tier university with my bachelor's degree in economics and afterwards, pursuing an MBA degree. Ten years from now, I hope to be working as an executive for a major automotive company, using the knowledge and skills acquired during my college career.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
Characters: 1004

I worked for two months as an intern for Mayor Rahm Emanuel's staff in Chicago's City Hall. My main task was to create an internal protocol to address problem businesses. I attended meetings with heads of city departments and participated in discussions on how to tackle this problem. I felt that I made a difference as I heard the news each week that a drug/gang related business had been shut down. Although I had preconceptions, I left with a new perspective on what goes into governing a major city.

Also, I learned to manage my 35 hour/week work schedule while still exploring the city by biking everywhere and visiting several historic sites. I attended different events the city offered, such as Taste of Chicago and the Grant Park Music Festival. In contrast, my experiences in City Hall ranged from protests in the hallway, meeting beekeepers on the roof, to even receiving Chik-fil-A sandwiches in the mail. I will take these experiences and moments of adventure with me for the rest of my life.
Abby5 8 / 19 4  
Oct 21, 2012   #2
The essay needs more flow. I would spell out all the numbers, many of your commas need to be removed. Take the idealism from the last paragraph and reword in the first paragraph. I'll take another look at the details later.


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