QUESTION: Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?
I am a dancer. I am one with the music and the music accepts me, for me. Dance is that outlet where I can express myself and be a blank slate each time I put my hand on the ballet bar. When the music starts, my hands rhythmically move. I mechanically start the eight count choreography that has been drilled into my brain. My eyes are closed; I feel the music. The constant change of emotion and position still throws me for a loop even though I have practiced these steps for hours. The music and the steps take over me; I exist in a different world. For me, dancing is a vehicle. It's the way that I reach that feeling: the feeling that the whole world is right, that my life has a meaning, that I can do no wrong. The feeling that lets me inhale deeply and sense God. Inspiring, that's what it is. Every time that feeling overcomes me, I know that there's a reason that I'm here I know that I have a purpose. Dance makes me feel vulnerable when everyone is watching, staring at me, constantly judging to see if I fall out of my triple pirouette or over extend my layout. I give my emotions, my soul, and my passion to the moment and to the steps, allowing me to feel accomplished and satisfied as the music stops.
I am one with the music and the music accepts me for me .
... I know that there's a reason that I'm here. (period is here) I know that I have a purpose.
When the music starts, my hands rhythmically move.
-"rhythmically move" sounds a little awkward
I mechanically start the eight count choreography that has been drilled into my brain.
-"mechanically" is a little awkward here as well
-you can add an age to the end of the sentence to add more detail. (ex. "...drilled into my brain since age two.")
The majority of this is about how you feel emotionally with dance, which is good. However, in my opinion, I would also include concrete details such as awards you may have received for dancing or compliments or more specific things that you are good at such as turns or legwork or flexibility.
I am also a dancer (:
Thanks for your input! Here is my second draft! Let me know what you think
Dance is an outlet where I can express myself each time step onto the dance floor. When the music starts, my hands steadily move. I automatically start the eight count choreography that has been drilled into my brain. My eyes are closed. I feel the music. The constant change of emotion and position still throw me for a loop even though I have practiced these steps for hours. The music and the steps take over me. I exist in a different world. For me, dancing is a vehicle. It is the way that I reach the feeling that the whole world is right, that my life has a meaning. Not only do I dance for me, but I dance for those around me; those who cannot move, those who are too shy to break out, and those looking to feel the same music that I feel. Dancing in inner-city schools in New York, in hospitals, and for local benefits, is just one way I give back to the community, merging together my passion of dance as well as my desire to help others. I give my emotions, my soul, and my passion to the moment and to the steps, allowing me to feel accomplished and satisfied as the music stops.
Dance is an outlet where I can express myself each time step onto the dance floor.
Boring first sentence :-(
When the music starts, my hands steadily move.
Now, THIS is an intriguing first sentence!
my emotions, my soul, and my passion----- these are abstractions, not as powerful as one specific thing. I don't like the first or last sentence of the essay, but I would not want you to change anything about the rest of it. How about cutting that first sentence and revising the ending so that it emphasizes the theme of "something you do well" and maybe even makes a comparison between dance and your process of entering your chosen field.
:-)
