Dance Relationship - intended major; 1st UC prompt

Hi everyone,
I was hoping to nab some help on one of my 2 UC transfer essays! More than anything I'm hoping on creating a genuine piece that's telling of who I am, and effectively answer the question:

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Of all the ways to identify the self, I choose a dancer- a "hobby" for little dreaming girls in tutus, or an athletic art that requires more soul than a bowl of gumbo. No matter how you view it or how old you are, dancing requires passion, one that I've contained since I was small.

My parents fondly repeat one story of me in preschool in which the teacher planned out a music and dance time. The music would shift from song-to-song constantly, but even as it changed, my dancing would adapt. My teacher was amazed, and promptly told my parents, who exchanged stories of me dancing in front of the TV whenever I could. This passion later translated onstage when I did musical theatre all throughout high school, as my mother cried every time I danced. To think that I could communicate with my own instrument without saying a word absolutely astounded me; to know that I could fine tune this body to inspire others still hits me today.

This point was driven home quite when I worked at my high school's summer camp program as a dance instructor, teaching English to Japanese kids. Though I couldn't understand a lick of their slang, it was easy to see that they loved what they were doing, or if not, enjoyed just moving and being. Movement in children is so pure and genuine, it's hard not to fall back in love with dancing every time.

While I (quite literally) may not have a leg up on other dancers in terms of my training, with the passion I hold and deep interest in discovering more about this naturally genuine art form, I hope to further develop my relationship with dance.

Kyra, the second paragraph of your essay, the one that is supposed to explain the foundation of your interest in dance doesn't work quite well in terms of the prompt requirements. While I can understand that as a dancer, other people may see your talent for the activity before you actually do, since the grace in movement is something that we cannot be conscious of as we cannot see how our movements appear to other people, you can't rely on the observation of your parents and your teacher's comments for that explanation.

What you need to do is develop a new paragraph relating to your interest development. Rather than talking about your parents and teacher, try to come up with an explanation about when you personally came to realize that becoming a dancer, or dance, for that matter, was somethign that you enjoyed doing. After you come to that realization, explain how it became a keen interest for you and how it progressed to you deciding that it would make the best career for you. That is how you develop the experience you have had in the field.

Dance in its purest form touches hearts and lives. I did not see that kind of development in your paragraph about the summer camp where yo worked as an instructor. Your passion for dance should have been strengthened and further influenced by watching the kids dance. Yet somehow, it seems that part of the narrative was not completely presented. Please take the time to revise that paragraph as well, if possible.

I have a strange feeling that you are working within some word limitations here. May we know what the limitations are? That way we can better help you to revise and draft the essay to become as interesting as possible, within the set limits.

Kyra, I'd like to add a little editing in your essay.

- Of all the ways to identify themy self,
- I choose a dancer- a "hobby" , for little dreaming girls in tutus,
- one that I've containedpossess since I was small.

- My parents fondly repeatremember one story,
- of me in preschool in which the teacher planned out a music and dance time.

- This point was driven home quite when( what do you exactly mean by this phrase, because otherwise it can be emiminated)

- with the passion I hold and deep interest
- I hope to further develop my relationship with dancedancing .

So, Kyra the corrections above are my suggestions, I believe there's quite a lot of work to be done in your essay and it's workable, for future reference, refrain from using weak words, words such as "but" and direct translation as this does not help your essay at all.