Prompt: Describe yourself.
Ok, so I wanted to take a different approach and I have no clue if this even works! Should I keep writing or should I scrap and do a more formal essay? Btw, I tried to make it sound like I was really talking to my diary which is why it sounds kinda personal.
I know it's been a while since we last talked, but I know that I need you now more than ever. I've been tasked with the assignment of describing myself in an essay of limited words that will be under review for a big (and by big I mean BIG!) scholarship. I have one page to show a school who I am and what I can do, but where do I even begin?! How do you explain to a committee holding the future of your education in the palm of your hands, just how much you want this opportunity? How do you prove to a total stranger that you're determined to succeed in life and dedicated to your education? Especially when you've got a limited amount of time to capture their attention!!
I guess that's why I'm writing to you, just trying to sort out my thoughts.
I want to write an essay that just breathes creativity, so they can know that my outside-of-the-box thinking might just be the type of innovation they're looking for. I want them to know how motivated and disciplined I am as a student and how honest and trustworthy I am as an individual. I know that I have all this passion for life, but how can I get that across to them as well? I don't want to just give them words, I want to share my personality and identity that defines me in a way words cannot.
....To Be Continued (maybe lol)
I really love the approach you are taking. It does make it more personal. but i think you should show and not tell. maybe include some anecdotes that show you're passion, out of the box thinking, creativity, etc. for instance, you could give an example of a project that you worked on or some events that shaped or showcase your personality. i feel that if you add some support and evidence of these traits, it will solidify it more. by the way, whats the word count for this prompt?
Ok thanks for the feedback I'm gonna work on that!!! BTW it needs to be 300-500 words.
I know it's been a while since we last talked, but
I know that I need you now more than ever
I think the second "I know" is too much.
Actually, i think the whole first para weakens the essay, sorry! It makes no sense to waste a para lamenting the fact that you have limited space to express the main idea. that self-contradiction weakens the essay.
But they wouldn't want to hear that, would they?
I suggest tweaking this so that it is not about the reader of the essay. Make it so that "they" are the people in the world that awaits you at this school:
I want to attack my academic program in a way that just breathes creativity, so they can know that my outside-of-the-box thinking might just be the type of innovation they're looking for. I want them to know how motivated and disciplined I am as a student and how honest and trustworthy I am as an individual.
Can you make it so that instead of this essay being about the writing of itself it is about mustering the creativity and gusto to achieve some specific goals while at this school? Think of 2 specific goals for the time you will have at this school.
I'm sorry I am so critical of your creative idea, writing an essay about writing an essay. I think it is necessary to write an essay about diving into college.
Yes sorry to be harsh about the essay - though the idea is good, you have wasted it. Instead of wasting all those words on writing about what the adcom wouldn't want to hear or would want to hear, why dont you just write a sololiquy about yourself and get on with it.
I know it's been a while (...) time to capture their attention!!
cut all of this out and just go for it
I could tell them of my dreams to become a noted film director. Or how ...
But they wouldn't want to hear that would they? cut this out too
I want to write an essay that just breathes creativity (and this-and show your creativity instead of writing about it - talk about what you have written so far, if you have, like if you have contributed to the school magazine or even if you've written poems which you hide under the bed)
so they can ...
You know what diary; this self reflection really has helped me. I think I'm just about ready to write this thing! So I guess this is where it ends for us, but as long as you promise to keep my secrets safe I promise that this won't be my last entry. Deal?! all this is wasting space!
I'm sure you can do a much better piece than this - you have a lot of creativity - use it!
All the best!
I think the thing was that I wanted it to sound like a diary entry. I don't know if either of you keep a diary yourselves but I know that if I was writing in it I don't just say hey diary, I succeed in school because I'm dedicated, hard working,...etc. I'm a great student because...
Lines like this:
You know what diary; this self reflection really has helped me. I think I'm just about ready to write this thing! So I guess this is where it ends for us, but as long as you promise to keep my secrets safe I promise that this won't be my last entry. Deal?!
I wrote to keep the seriousness from overlapping the essay because after all it's a diary entry and what's the point of trying to do a creative essay when you want me to skip straight to the point and basically write the same thing everyone else will be writing. Those little thoughts were something that made the entry more authentic and put a more personal touch on the entry I want to talk to the essay readers not at them, and from an earnest perspective.
Also I wrote the line:
I want to write an essay that just breathes creativity
Because of the irony in the statement. If you actually SAW my essay then you would get at least one aspect that made the statement ironic. But also I'm lamenting on the fact that I'm trying to think of a way to write a creative essay all the while it's actually being written down as I speak through a diary entry (which in and of itself is a creative essay).
The point of the entry as a whole was the irony behind it. I'm talking to myself through a diary about how I want to portray myself positively in a written essay and I'm essentially asking myself the question how could I do that. The irony is that the entry itself is the essay. I took a more reflective approach (memoir fomat) and revealed a literal vision of myself through my eyes which is exactly what the prompt asked for. To describe myself.
"Maybe they want to know about me as the person, so what if I talk about my volunteer work through our school's Green Club? They don't know that our school had never had a club like this until me and my friend took the initiative to create one. And they couldn't possibly know that with the help of our school's biology teacher we sponsored an environmental clean-up day."<--- including extracurricular activity and my role in it
I've described myself and my passion to seek creativity through the things I do--->"I want to write an essay that just breathes creativity, so they can know that my outside-of-the-box thinking might just be the type of innovation they're looking for. I want them to know how motivated and disciplined I am as a student and how honest and trustworthy I am as an individual."
"I could tell them of my dreams to become a noted film director. Or how after I make it in the industry I plan to come back to my hometown and invest in the futures of students just like me."<---I've included goals for the future
"Maybe I can tell them about the time me and my friends created a film for FBLA; it was produced, scripted and shot in less than one week. Or how I stayed up until 4:55 in the morning editing said video because we wanted to represent our school's mass communications program to the best of our ability."<----I've written about another extracurricular activity,included my role, and my want to uphold my school's honor (something I know admissions wants to hear).
It has the components of what you would see in a written essay but a lot more casual and freestyle so how have I not described myself, my way of thinking, what I do and why I do it? I touched on a lot of different points briefly because the essay is actually supposed to be short so they don't want my resume they want me. And you can say I'm biased all you want but I disagree with your critique to the nth degree. (lol love that song) Though I'm not saying this was perfect but I don't think this is a waste of space.
i thought it was a very interesting approach.. i liked it. :)
Love the idea! Wish I could think of something so creative!
good approach, in my school, we have actually done writings like this and it demanded creativing thinking skills
Yes! good idea.
and I disagree with Moonshadow0302. While it is true that your essay could be more straightforward and less beat-around-the-bush-ey, removing those parts he mentioned would ruin the purpose of writing it this way.
Just telling people what you do is not the way to "Describe yourself" as the essay wants. Describing yourself needs personality, feeling. and i think that's what you got in your essay.
But I agree with everything EF_Kevin says, that the first paragraph weakens the essay and the rest of the things he mentioned.
good luck! :)
Yeah, I thought that was interesting, because we have to use space to complain about having limited space, so... I think that might be one of those subtle things that makes a reader take you less seriously.
But maybe not!
I understand you want it to sound like a diary, but then this is not really a diary is it? It's an essay for a school, where space is limited and you need to use that space constructively. I did like the idea of writing it as a diary, but you could make it crisper. I have pointed out where you could cut out things specifically. Not cut out the information, but the parts where you keep talking to the diary. You could put in connecting phrases the way you have done in some places -
Maybe I can tell them about the time me and my friends created a film for FBLA
This works and is shorter too. You can use that space that you have saved to write more about yourself.