I would appreciate any feedback on my common application essay on the topic of an experience in my life that led to a personal change.
Also, I have heard that writing about sports and/ or travel is cliche, any thoughts about this?
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Pliability
As the pain in my shoulder steadily progressed, my hopes of playing volleyball without
a persistent feeling of frustration began to diminish at the same rate. The hours spent trapped
in the perpetual cycle of taping, icing, and rehabilitating seemed futile, as the rush of joy and
adrenaline that I had always felt when stepping on the court was replaced by a constant
fear of furthering my injury. This growing obstacle led me to reach a turning point.
I realized that if I continued down this road, the injury that had marked my volleyball career
would continue to affect me, and it scared me to think that I would leave high school
with regret for allowing myself to be held back by circumstances that were beyond my
control. Instead, I turned in a new direction and began to search for an alternative, for once
allowing myself to explore interests outside of the familiar world of volleyball.
...
(...)
adrenaline that I had always felt when stepping on the court was replaced by a constant ( I
don't feel like this word is necessary) fear of furthering my injury.
This paragraph is colorfully written, but there are quite a few points where it seems as though you were writing with a thesaurus in front of you. A large vocabulary is nice to see to an essay reader, but often it can mess up a good idea. Words like "futile" seem out of place in this essay. Also, the transition from your injury to your outside interests was a bit abrupt and confusing.
From the cassettes of Czech songs that were overplayedthat were played in the car during family road trips to trying to decode the mysterious pictures in National
Geographic magazines, my interest in languages and travel was sparkedbegan at an early age and has continued ever since (It's implied that since you are writing
about it now, you're still interested). As I resolved to avoid suffering through another summer of
disappointment and unrealized potential, I scoured the Internet for opportunities abroad. I left for
Spain thislast summer after countless Skype sessions with the two
host families I contacted, looks from friends that fluctuated between doubtful and inquisitive, and
hours spent planning with my parents, to whom I am so grateful for letting me embark on the
journey that would change me in so many ways.
Again, a very nice paragraph, but it lacks proper transitions and some of the sentences are awkward. I'm not quite following how the injury in volleyball ties into your interest to study abroad.
After staying with the Choya and Rodriguez families for six weeks and improving my
Spanish infinitely in a single summer, I realized that I like living outside of my comfort zone,
outside of the predictable, routine pattern of life that I had grown accustomed to back home (Not necessary). The challenge and rush of emotions from carving my own path-
it was as if I had rediscovered that same passion that I felt when I first started playing volleyball. (Awkward sentence, I would say perhaps a semi colon is in order) The new places and
cultures I explored during my time in Spain and the unique individuals I formed lasting memories
and friendships with showed me that there is so much to experience in the world outside of
playing volleyball. My trip allowed me to see myself in a different perspective and provided me with
a fresh view on my life because I realized that there are so many other interests and
aspirations I want to pursue (Not necessary)
My decision to travel to Spain this summer was the best decision I have ever made,
because it allowed me to establish new goals, gave me time to strengthen my shoulder, and
opened me up to so many new experiences. I can approach thinking about the role of volleyball
in my life with a more open mind now, and incorporate my aspirations outside of its reach into
my future. Because of this I am a different person. Looking back, I realize that creating new
opportunities for myself when life is not going according to my expectations is the most valuable
lesson that I have embraced as a result of my injury. My future is pliable, and I have learned
to seize the opportunity to mold it. I carry that mindset with me as I return to volleyball with
renewed passion, finding time to maintain a balance between the interests that have grown to
define me.
Nice finishing paragraph. Overall, a good topic for an essay, but needs a little more elaboration on the connection between volleyball and going to Spain. It is implied that there is a cause and effect here, you hurt your shoulder so you decided to look at other interests, but another essay reader may or may not pick up on that.
I agree that the writing style is colorful and interesting. In response to the question about how to make it better, I think you should work on expressing your most important message. The reader cannot remember everything, so it is good to leave a sentence that will resound in her mind and make her remember you and your theme.
Instead, I turned in a new direction and began to search for an alternative, for once allowing myself to explore interests outside of the familiar world of volleyball. (Maybe it will be good to add another sentence right after this sentence, and let it express the message that is more important.
:-)
