New College essay topic- Evaluate a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you
Hidden out of sight, nestled among a collection of shady oaks on the outskirts of Gainesville Florida resides a small elementary school. For one who is unaware of the school's existence, that person would barely notice it as they drove by, for its generic outward appearance looks as everyday and ordinary as any other building. However, in the eyes of one who knows better, this small school is so much greater than it seems.
Hidden out of sight, nestled among a collection of shady oaks on the outskirts of Gainesville Florida, resides a small elementary school. For one who is unaware of the school's existence, that persononeWhen using "one" in a sentence, you must stick with it throughout the sentence would barely notice it as theyoneIf you don't like the way this sounds (I don't either :), I suggest replacing the first "one" with "the person" and changing "they" to "he" (It's okay to stick to a gender, as long as it's constant) drove by, for its generic outwardThis word seems a little redundant appearance looks as everyday and ordinary as any other building. However, in the eyes of one who knows bettermy eyesYou do know better, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be writing this. :) Then, it's more succinct to use "my eyes", this small school is so much greater than it seems.
Expressions Learning Arts Academy holds a special place in the hearts of all who ever attended the schoolof the student , for its special character helps cultivate and reveal the student'shis personality. The curriculum is unique, blending the traditional courses of math, language arts, and science with art, dance, drama, and music. Its miniscule <-- To me, this word doesn't sound right... Try a different one.class size (only about fifty to seventy five kids during my time)creates a family and allows the teachers there to be approachableaccessibleand create a family . I am exceedinglyforever grateful for the intimate and personal school experience Expressions provided, for it helped me discover not only a love offor art, but alsoWhen using "not only," "but also" always accompanies ti. the importance of a community.
At this point in my life, I am dedicated to the arts. I have taken anIn order to leave room for art classesof some sort every year of my school career, even taking myI postponed required electives duringto the summer, online, to leave room for additional art classes in my schedule . Beyond the world of pencils, pottery, and paint, I have also been dancing for fourteen years and have auditioned for and participated in plays. (Perhaps I would have found this passion for art on my own, but) <-- I'm a little confused here... you're saying that you could have discovered your passion without Expressions, then saying that Expressions helped you explore your passion... I think it's better to leave that part out... Expressions certainly helped unlock that door and provided guidance in exploring those areas. Ms. Sarah, the art teacher, encouraged her studentsme(I know what you are saying, but I think its better to keep the relations more personal. It will make the essay a little more powerful) to see the world in new ways, and to create and express ourselves. I learned there, that, while words may fail, art can offer a novel way to portray our feelings and ideas in ways before thought impossible . One can adequately show the beauty and the chaos of one's mind, when trying to explain that same idea with words can fall short.Art can often achieve what the word cannot: reveal the beauty of the mind.This is just a suggestion. The previous one was worded awkwardly... However, I'm not sure if you should keep it at all; you're pretty much repeating what you said the previous sentence :]
More than just instilling in me thatthe source of wonder and enthusiasm for art, Expressions was a family, teaching us studentsme to see and accept our peers for who they truly are. When I happen uponcome across my old classmates now, it is sometimes surprising to see how far we all have come,and how different we all are. An outsider looking in sees that we all run with different crowds and would assume that we have nothing in common besides our familiar school history. B, b ut I know better. Expressions allowed me to become comfortable with who I am, for I encountered no ostracism for being different or unique, and learnedto learn the value of connecting with people who can accept you for who you areothers . Expressions has helped me learn to make my friendships based on someone's true valuevirtues , not on what others think or say about a person. Expressions also taught me loyalty. My friends that I made in grade school are still some of my closest friends today, despite time and distance<-- What does that mean? I'm a little confused by "time.", and I hope that this remains true with my high-school friends.
While some may wonder if a grade school can have such an impact on a child, I assure you that if you were to ask any other alumni from that marvelous school if they feel roughly the same, they most likely would agree. The experience of growing and learning in such an accepting environment, with people who are eager to support you on your quest to explore opportunities that the world holdsthe world is a special thing. Because I went to Expressions Learning Arts Academy, I am now a confident individual, and artist, with the ability to accept others, because I have learned to accept myself.
I think you can work on your conclusion to make it stronger. You should especially try to fix the first sentence of the conclusion; you should try not to use the word "you" in your essay, because the reader might not feel that way. :] Overall, nice job though. You do well on elaborating on an idea. Might I suggest that you also add a specific experience or two to support your main idea? Maybe a lecture or an experience with schoolmate... This would make your essay even stronger.
...this small school is so much greater than it seems. -----Right here, you raise the question in the reader's mind: "In what way is it more?" Now, I know you use the rest of the essay to provide an answer to that question, but I also think you should add one more sentence to the end of the first para. Make it a sentence that tells the reader succinctly what is special about your experience there. Sum it up in a thesis statement.
By doing that, you will make all the rest of the sentences more meaningful in the reader's mind as they, one after another, support your main assertion.
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